concubine

hi 2010

2010-03-10T21:54:00.002+08:00

3 months late. Going through this blog made me realize how much drama I have.

There's even more drama now. But wow, I feel like my soul's been torn apart with every post I read here. Haha. Why do I put all the drama stuff here. Took me a while to write here, decided to check it out after seeing my students post here. They are sooo adorable. Ha. I will missss them.

2009-12-09T20:50:00.001+08:00

I have such a huuuuuge crush on you.

So after more than months of writing that fateful post

2009-05-08T15:45:00.002+08:00

Let's talk about a different person:

I like you more than I'm allowing myself to feel.

And so in another bout of self-inflicted martyrdom, I tell myself and in the end, hope I have the guts to tell you: I like you, but please don't like me back.

first post of 2009

2009-01-21T21:24:00.002+08:00

And I will tell you I'm in love with you.

I don't want to gloat

2008-12-13T18:52:00.002+08:00

But seriously, I love my job. Where else can I climb mountains, play frisbee, rappel and have fun while doing all this? Honestly, the way things are going now, it would take me a lot to get me out of my current job. (Ahem, ahem. Brent Boracay, are you reading this? Haha I kid :P)

Not everything has been bright and sunny the past few months I've been teaching. Since it is my first teaching job (and my first full time job, for that matter), hello, can you spell uh-what-do-I-do-now? It took me a while to get to terms with handling all these students plus getting used to the culture of my university. It was pretty overwhelming at first. But now, I'm thinking I'm getting the hang of it. Even if I've lost my weekends. But bollocks to weekends! I can't imagine my weekends being better than climbing mountains or rappelling or whatnot. Plus it totally helps that I get along with my students. :D

so tired.

2008-11-22T20:36:00.004+08:00

Physically and emotionally.

Just came from Manalmon and huff, I'm beat. The fever that I was trying to conquer disappeared up in the mountains, but decided to make its case when I got home.

My room is a mess again. I think that has some psychological meaning to it when your room is perpetually messy. Heck, even my desk at work is perpetually messy.

And in other news, nothing's new. I don't know why I'm still trying to figure you out after all this time. By now, you should be figured out already. But no. At the end of every week, I have totally different conclusions. Wrong, wrong.

never wing it. it never works.

2008-11-21T00:58:00.003+08:00

I am royally screwed. This thing is on Sunday and I've been grasping at straws the past few days. I can't make heads or tails of what I'm studying. Nothing. Nothing. To top it off, I haven't even prepared for my lessons today. Definitely not one of the best decisions I've made. For now, winging it is not even considered an "educational guess." This isn't for me. Ugh. Logical reasoning confounds me. So does reading comprehension. What was I thinking again?

so young

2008-08-20T15:50:00.002+08:00

I was so young then. And I thought I knew so much about the world and I wanted to know all there was about the world and because I of that, i thought I knew everything. Or more than the others. That was my downfall. I encouraged others to be open-minded yet I was as close-minded as could be.

Everything there that I gave four years of my college life to, I thought I knew. I was young, ignorant, naive, idealistic.. etc. Now looking back at all of it, I realized how much of it all I got wrong. Mostly because now I realize I had no idea what I was doing or talking about. All I wanted then was to live out the vision of other people. As for me, I had no idea what my vision was.

All that passion and all that energy was misplaced. And no, I'm not being dramatic about it. I just really realized that I was so young. And I was just waiting for something to put my energy into. That something was upsca.

What a sponge I was back then.

Anyway wala langz.

right motives, still do the wrong actions

2008-07-13T01:04:00.002+08:00

Lately, I've been thinking that I did it for all the wrong reasons when in actuality, it all boils down to this: I am so scared. And I can never take that plunge. Whoopie.

relief

2008-07-11T21:21:00.005+08:00

I'm so relieved right now it's not even funny. That thing that I've been worrying about the past two weeks? Well, it's over and I can breathe now. It's not even what you think it is, since only three people know about this.

=====

As much as I would love to stay home and curl up in my bed, I don't think I should. All I do is think about what kind of a horrible person I am. And how unfair I've been and how unfair I'm being. And mostly, mostly, how cowardly I am.

Now I'm talking about what you think I'm talking about.

I guess after the initial thrill of teaching subsides and how happy I am that I'm doing this, it all sinks in (nothing to do with teaching). I'm not going to change.

A while ago, I realized how attached I'm getting to my students. Whether they're my actual students or it's the pep squad. I honestly love hearing about their days and I love seeing their improvement. I love their smiles. I love it when they give their full attention to me. I love it when they listen to me. I love it that they're learning.

And I love it that I'm teaching.

I swear every time I start a class cranky, at the end of it, wow, I feel completely different. It shocks me every time that time's up. I truly hope I don't screw this up.

Speaking of screwing up, Mel said this absolutely truthful line: that every time I have something good going for me, I turn around and run away. :(

since I'm here already

2008-07-08T16:53:00.002+08:00

Might as well update.

I started on my new real job this June. I work as an assistant instructor at one of the universities here in the metro. Fun, fun job but physically draining. I'm forcing myself to be fit. I guess I should be but ah gad, I am tired.

My nights have returned to normal. I'm never home Saturday nights but at least during the weeknights I'm back here.

I've been so hungry lately. I hope I'm not pregnant. Haha bad joke. :P

wow. long time no update.

2008-07-08T16:51:00.001+08:00

Funny, I was just thinking about this blog the other day and how I haven't updated it in forever.

Then what do you know, someone leaves a comment on my "wheel" by John Mayer post.

I'm intrigued. Who are you?

lost

2008-04-15T20:56:00.003+08:00

So I don't want to write about this in my other blog because it's the same old, same old. Mel and I were talking about how we never expected grad to be this way. How we never expected UP life to end this way. So much disappointment, so much regret.

How I can't bring myself to look towards the future when I'm stuck in the past and the present.

Don't forget to keep that smile on your face.

i let my guard down

2008-04-13T10:20:00.000+08:00

pfft. I spent way too much unwanted energy on you.

bullet points from the previous

2008-04-09T14:41:00.001+08:00

I was tempted to write this long, rambling entry on my current crisis of the soul, unfortunately, it got too long that even I can't understand it anymore; nevertheless, I will try to get my points across:

1.Why can't I just be contented? It's been less than a week since my sem and undergraduate life ended and already, I'm bored, restless and frustrated.

2. I have two things right here. One, a part time job that I can full-time my way through. Two, a job offer that's been waiting for me since last semester. And that should be enough right? At least I have something. But see here, I don't want either or anything else for that matter to be an "at least" kind of thing. Maybe that's why I can't seem to say "yes" to either. I know it's idealistic to land a job that I will really love at once, but is it wrong to keep on searching?

3. It's not about the money. Well, it kind of is because I don't want to ask for money from my parents because wasn't that the reason why I took that part time job in the first place? Money is fine, money is lovely, money is love, money is yummy, but but but.. It's not what I want. (Days/weeks/months/years/decades from now, when I am completely broke, I will regret saying that statement. :P)

4. I want to go back to school. Funny, huh? After the hell of the past few weeks and all my desires to get out of school, at the end of it all, it still is what I want to do.

Funny how I've been waiting for this moment for the longest time and now that it's there, it's all so blah. Yey for the real world!

oh come on

2008-04-09T13:43:00.003+08:00

Why can't I just be contented? Forgive this post and all my brattiness. P(ost)MS-ing. Bored. Semi hungover. Whatever. It's been less than a week since my sem and undergraduate life ended and already, I'm bored, restless and frustrated. And I shouldn't be. I ended UP life in style with a crazy inuman (haha crazy doesn't even cut it) and by going to one of the most overwhelming places EVER. (anawangin, I am coming back for you).

The "What next?" thing is bothering me. Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier if I took those damn entrance tests, LAE, NMAT and GRE-- well, considering I pass them and get good scores, but that's beside the point. Because then at least I'd have something. But then I look at what I have now, and I do have something. More than somethings in fact. I have this part time job that I don't exactly love but it's there and I can always go full time; God knows they could use that. And I have this absolutely fine job that's been waiting for me for more than a semester now but here I am, hesitating. How stupid is this. It's right there. In a way, I'd be ahead of the pack. Why does everything have to be a race?

It's stupid to hesitate. I don't even know what I want to do or what I will love. All I know and all I feel is, neither of these things are for me. A part of me is telling myself to be patient. That I need the money if ever I decide to study again because I can't ask for money from my parents because wasn't that the reason why I took that part time job in the first place? "Don't feel pressured to love the first job you land. It'll come." don't feel pressured blah blah. I'm not. I don't. But after more than three months of earning my own money and saving up just a wee bit, I wish that was enough to keep me going. It isn't.

Is it because that the job I have right now isn't something to be all excited about? Or is it because people look down on it and not consider it a "real" job? but I look at the people there who have put so much heart and dedication into it and I'm not one of them. But then, why am I not excited for this new job?

2008-03-24T19:06:00.002+08:00

whether there's a little or a lotta alcohol. it still is alcohol. it's bout a moth before i say goodbye and i'm not yet sure if I'm ready for that just yet. So much has happened the past year and just when I have gotten used to them being there, suddenly, I'm about to say goodbye to all of it. Pfft. I don't know anymore. I get too emotionally attached people or things that I shouldn't be attached to. After this, I don't know. Maybe we'll all still be friends, maybe we won't. What can I say? Yey for emo ness. Blah

ano ba

2008-02-18T23:46:00.002+08:00

Nasstress ako sa 'yo at 'di ko alam kung bakit.
Sino ka ba sa'kin?
Kaso naisip ko rin
Na sino nga ba ako sa 'yo?

i cannot figure you out

2008-01-29T00:10:00.000+08:00

really, I cannot. And I wonder why I should even. Why, why, why. But ugh. Really.

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

and why should I care anyway? You're.. You're.. You're you. And you always will be you. That's what makes you so darn difficult.

gilmore girls + what

2008-01-05T02:13:00.000+08:00

Have you ever noticed how there never seems to be a college show on tv? It's always high school this, high school that and work life this and that and shit, but never about college. I mean, I think they tried it before, but I can't think of any series that was all college-y memorable.

And why is that, man? I mean seriously, aren't the concerns of college kids valid? Or even more valid than high school concerns. I love high school shows and all but but but, I need the college kid perspective.

Which is prolly one of the reasons why I love Gilmore Girls so much. I love how they tackled the entire high school and college life of Rory. And how her college life was so college (even if they talk freaking fast and freaking witty). And how my heart breaks with every episode of the final season because of how it's slowly sinking in that in a couple of months, college life is over. And how perfect Rory broke down because she had no idea what she wanted to do after Yale. Hello, if Rory broke down, what about the rest of us human beings?

And it scares me so much. I hang out with a bunch of people who pretty much know what they want to do with their lives, and I don't. I thought I did, but I don't. I thought it was pretty normal at first then I realize it's January 2008. Shouldn't I have a plan or something? A part of me wishes I took the NMAT or the LAE for shit because at least I know I'd have something, anything. And if I fail, at least I know I tried (or some other similar excuse). But here I am. I'm on the last sem of my course. A course that I don't even know if I'm right for it or if it's right for me. I can't even see past graduation. Heck, with the way my thesis is going, I can't even see graduation.

if you had to listen to one song..

2008-01-02T02:14:00.000+08:00

If you like depressing song stuff, you have to listen to this. It's so beautifully painful. As in heartbreaking. But it's just so beautiful.. Credits to Anna and perezhilton.

Who Am I To Say
Hope

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

Don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

Hmmm hmmm mmm
Uhhh oohhh aahhh
Hooo aahhh ohh ohhh

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
And that's okay with me

But who am I to say you love me
And who am I to say you need me
And who am I to say you love me

Mmmm hmmm

I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all

I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all

new worry

2007-12-10T09:47:00.000+08:00

Here's something I've been thinking about the past few nights:

I want to graduate. The thought frightens me that with this downward spiral I'm in, things will get worse before they get better. Or I'll forget what it's like to have self-control and what sacrifice is. The past few months have left me taking the easy way out and how the smallest failure affects me so much, that I try to move past it and beyond, but I can't. A part of me still wonders whether I truly am over what happened last year, since by all outward appearances, I'm doing fine; I'm smiling again, I'm less stressed, I have more time for everyone, etc. But then I remember the Toni Gonzaga song and that maybe I should be singing its opposite: how can something so right be so wrong all along?

I'm going off track. Here's the thing: I'm scared I won't be able to graduate. I have nothing against people who delay-- a lot of my good friends I've made over the years in UP have extended their stay one way or another. I'm apprehensive that my delay will be caused by no apparent reason. Or simply because I just didn't feel like it. Or what the hell, I suddenly stopped caring. That just because my plans of graduating in four and a half years didn't push through, I just don't care anymore. Or just because I have no more life plan, that's it.

Speaking of, why did I give in so easily to my parents when they said I couldn't take med. Hello, I NEVER give in to my parents. I could've at least TRIED to take the NMAT, made some effort,i dunno, SOMETHING! But no, I just allowed it to happen that I would not take the NMAT or the LAE or something. And oh blah.

I don't want to go out in the real world. I want to stay where everything is safe and familiar, where I have so much freedom, where I know what's comfortable. Or better yet, I want to stay in the place where people know me and I know them-- know them that I can be intimate and whoever I want to be with them. Where else can I find that but in UP?

It scares me that I am slowly unraveling. That my determination over the past few years has just gone out the window. I know I'm not stupid, but why do I let myself become so? Why is it such a big deal to let people know your stupidity? When you know you're more than that. I'm better than this.

I have to learn how to get a grip on myself before I lose myself completely.

2007-12-06T11:55:00.000+08:00

Life is good but scheduling is hell.

I want to go to explo climb but I have work.
I want to watch the CSC concert but I have work.

Why did I want to work again?

Oh yeah. Money. I need it. Gotta have fun weekends

oh drama

2007-11-19T21:13:00.000+08:00

Gone are the days of screaming and shouting and crying in the org. I'm not so sure if that's a good thing or not. Maybe the members or apps this year are better or maybe we're just more forgiving. Haha I don't know. I try to be the bad guy but all I could see is goodness and hope. Cheesy as it is but I guess I've been looking at it the wrong way for the longest time. Always looking at the future and its goals and all its promise. But then I don't know what I'm saying.

Oh what is this.

I'm frustrated at how time moves way too fast and way too slow sometimes. How I feel that every moment is not enough and even with those moments, I feel like I'm still running out of time. And this is what I've been missing all those years. They don't need me but I need them. To love and be loved like that. Like what Rita said, everything is a race against time. And I feel like I'll never have enough words or enough time to say what I feel.

****

additional: I guess i think it's funny how I never expected this would be happening to me. It always was how other people would say goodbye. I never thought the time would come that I'd be the one saying it.

not so nice turned nice

2007-11-19T01:01:00.000+08:00

It's nice to think when you don't have alcohol in you.

1. I'm so glad you'll be staying for good. :)
2. I overthought something and now I'm second guessing myself wondering if it's worth it.
3. Thesis shmesis scares me. I realized I shouldn't be thinking about after graduation cause graduation ain't over yet. Haha! Too forward thinking of me.
4. It's amazing how I can't feel what you're going through. Or well I end up feeling the wrong thing. And it gets worse. Agh. This is frustrating.
5. Amazing how things have changed. But how so much more have stayed the same. Or so I think.
6. This is nice. :) Very nice. I could get used to it after months of trying to figure it out. I still am, but like I said, it's nice.

I hate how cryptic I am here.

ms brightside

2007-10-30T01:10:00.000+08:00

Jealous me. I can't do anything to stop it. One was enough but this.. This? Somehow I know something will happen to make it all right again. But I'm not going to be all right.

it means nothing

2007-10-30T01:07:00.000+08:00

If I haven't got you.

going back

2007-10-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

How do you make up for four years of never being there? Of realizing that this is it. That this is all that matters. That yes you are free to choose your own path, but always in the end, you'd go back to it? Over and over again and realize that you should have stayed.

the second (it must be the passion fruit)

2007-10-23T22:26:00.000+08:00

hahahaha

the first happened. let's move on to the next. strangely enough, it hasn't hit me yet that last night was the last induction i'd be going to. As a member anyway. It's not sinking in yet, the drama, the emotions, all that jazz. Good thing I guess. I'm apprehensive but at the same time hopeful for the upcoming batch. In the interviews it was said that all that we asked from them was to be themselves. And now as members, that's all we can give them: ourselves. Nothing else. Because that is who we are. That's what makes us us. That's the distinct flavor we bring out. And I hope that that is enough. For them to stay. To not just stay but play active roles. To continue to strive harder. To believe that it is possible to do anything once you believe in others. That it is possible to love unconditionally. More than anything, I hope they see that. That beyond the fun times and pusoy cards at the tambayan is a group of people willing to unite together under any circumstance and bring out the goodness in each other. It is a bunch of people so passionate about each other. And I do wish that they grow with it, that our being ourselves is enough.

the first of many plus other jumbled thoughts

2007-10-19T22:38:00.000+08:00

the first of many lasts.

The last sembreak.
The last time I will see letters distributed to the applicants telling them their status.
The last first sem.
The last last day of first sem.
The last time I will CRS.
And in the next few days, the last induction.

Start the drama.

I refused to feel anything because well, honestly, I couldn't. But sitting here in the basement of our house and thinking of something to write cause I'm not really in the mood to read anything just yet.

What can change in one semester? More than I'm afraid to admit, I'm afraid. It has always has been about the fear of change. The fear of the familiar going away, of being obsolete. The fear of finding something new and trying to reconcile it with what you have in the present. And then the fear that the world does not stop, not for you, not for silly realizations. Not for any of that-- and you have to learn how to cope, how to deal with what's there, with the inevitable, with subtle changes and the not so subtle ones.

Here it is. The homestretch. But come from behind wins always remind us to remain aware and stay vigilant and not be complacent and not settle with what's there. Because you know what, they could be right: the world always wins. And sometimes you're just too small to fight against the world.

The feeling of being lost and alone isn't bothering me as much as it should, but it should. I have no idea what's in store for me next semester. And then after that, the life of "What next?" and "Where to?"

I wonder if my family felt any of this. They always seem so sure of themselves-- that they knew what they wanted even before they graduated from college. And I admire them so much, for having the courage to step outside their boundaries and all that they knew and explored something different and completely made it their own.

I used to be so damn sure of myself. That I was going to volunteer for a year after college and then start at the lower ranks of some NGO then slowly make my way up. Or be a hotshot doctor in Medecins Sans Frontieres. Or recently, be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. Or how Law popped up briefly until I realized that I needed a ton of units to be qualified for it.

I've slowed down so much this semester. I used to be able to work and love doing it. I tell myself I needed this break, that if I didn't, I would burn out like hell and that I needed the time for myself. But what have I really accomplished this sem? "What do you want-- a life of meaning or a life of happiness? You can't have both." -- from Heroes. And well yeah, I had so much fun. But I've had way too much fun for my own good.

And well, we have all those grand plans now don't we? And why do I feel that I won't be a part of the grand-er plan?

I think I can run pretty good but the world just runs so much faster. Run like hell and just keep running.

this is (almost) it

2007-10-07T23:31:00.001+08:00

End of the sem blues are making me needy and emotional. One more sem. What's next?

and that's the way this wheel keeps working now..

2007-09-28T21:30:00.000+08:00

I was going for the emo post then I thought better off it. John Mayer's Wheel is playing-- haven;t heard this song in a while and haha, this and a text are threatening to bring out the emo in me.

I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me.

Ok. There. That's it. I just had to post those lyrics.

My ego has been shot down today. I wrote this in my other blog but I'm going to say it again: this "real world" shit is hard. You always want something more. And well, whoever you thought you were, time to start questioning yourself all over again.

the odd jobs I wanna try

2007-09-09T01:19:00.000+08:00

Just for the heck of it all. The bunch of things I wanna do right after I graduate, before I actually get a hold on my life and figure out what kind of "career" I want;

1. barista. I really really want this. Last summer, I was so close to being one, but dammit, dammit for my inconsistencies.

2. work in Fully Booked. Speaking of inconsistencies, this was the absolute worst. I was there already. I was there!! But dammit for indecisiveness. I could've been at the harry potter book launch. I could've been at the opening if FB in High Street. But no. Oh no. This is sad.

3. be one of those Outward Bound type of guides. The ones that tag along during class field trips to mountains, beaches, etc. That's just way too cool. I love the outdoors.

4. bartender. Simply because I want someone sing me T-Pain's song when I am one. Haha kidding. Guys, come on. Something good must come out of alcohol. Besides, it gives me an excuse to be out late all the time and be at gigs of bands I love. And well, being around people is fun.

5. flight attendant. Simply because I want to travel. As in really travel. And deym, they pay well. Freakishly well.

kaleidoscope

2007-08-19T21:14:00.000+08:00

you know me
how troubled i can be
but through your kaleidoscope
i let go
cause you show me
the world as it could be
through your kaleidoscope
it's beautiful

blank

2007-08-06T22:20:00.000+08:00

There is a blank that's forming in my head, or quite possibly, my life. Please fill it in.

killer line

2007-08-04T00:35:00.000+08:00

I read this in my friend's blog: To love, is not to love until it hurts, but to love until it stops hurting.

And now I see why I've gotten it wrong all this time. I may be getting way ahead of myself with all these wonderful realizations, but then there is no reason to deny myself happiness.

i'm back :)

2007-08-04T00:29:00.000+08:00

I finally get it. I suddenly had this great realization which I hope was not brought upon by too much alcohol. After years of telling people what to do or how to act, I finally am listening to my own advice. It was as if someone turned on a gigantic lightbulb in my head. That something that I was sorely missing this past year (or years?) is back. And I realized I haven't felt this alive in such a LONG time--no, not even with the view from Mt. Tangisan staring at you. So here it is, the great realization: acceptance and moving on for yourself. Ambaduy no? Life's great secret. Haha! It took a while (like years?) for those words to sink in . Yeah, I'm kinda slow on the uptake. At four in the morning (Yey for Gwen Stefani!), I suddenly realized what I had to do and wanted to do or do not. I don't want to settle--for what's there, for mediocrity, for whatever. I want to be a productive member of society and finally do the things I've been putting off for a long time. Little steps formed in my head, sort of showing me the way. This doesn't mean that everything is crystal clear, though. I still have no idea what to do for my thesis or what to do after college, but I'm gonna work like hell with what I've got and make damn sure it's the best thing I do.

My only worry? I hope this is not brought on by an onslaught of endorphins and the remnants of alcohol.

always.

2007-07-27T23:01:00.001+08:00

It was the person, always.

self-centered

2007-07-14T20:31:00.000+08:00

This is rather self-centered, only because I've been thinking about it the past few weeks and even more so these past few days.

I've never given much thought about my body or not as much as others anyway. Simply because I always felt there was nothing to worry about. Sure, there came the insecurity bouts and the, "Deym, I want that body.." moments, but all in all, I was pretty contented with who I was and what shape I was in. I used to think my metabolism was invincible, that I could eat or drink anything and everything and get away with it. Or all I had to do was exercise a little, then yey, my stomach would go back to normal.

Then this semester came along. And we had to take skinfold measures of each other and get each other's measurements. And then I stepped on the BIA scale to find my percent body fat. And I didn't need to take a sum of skinfolds to know I'm higher than average. Even my co-interns were surprised that that was how big I was. And the BIA test (which is a relatively reliable and valid test) confirmed it. I'm overfat.

But here's the weird thing: I'm underweight but overfat. How is that possible. I am underweight by a couple of pounds but there it was: I'm overfat. I just want to say that line over and over again.

So here it is, to anyone reading this, take care of your bodies. I swear, you will regret all those drinks and all that icky fatty food you ingested. The effects of all those show up sooner than you think. Crap.

And you, I blame you. For making me drink ALL that. For all those wasted, wasted drunken moments and for making me feel like crap and for making me lose faith in myself. For making me wallow in misery and for making me just want to sleep all the time and not care about anything else. And for taking away all that physical activity.

Bitter me.

the tables have turned

2007-07-09T23:15:00.000+08:00

How the world turns upside down.

It reminds me of the scene in Pirates 3 where they flipped the boat around to get to the other side, then the world turned around too.

Funny really what can change in one year. I'm not sure if I do regret anything that has happened the past year, but what the hell. Live and let live.

I'm finding more and more reasons to do so. =)

crashed from halo-halo

2007-06-10T22:26:00.002+08:00

I haven't been writing anything cheerful here as of late. It's always something depressing or I always find something to complain about. It's the blog no one knows about or no one reads. It's the blog that I think the rest of the world has a better chance of finding. And I don't care.

It's insane how I can crash this hard from Chowking Halo-halo.

I'm looking for depressing music cause I love how it makes me feel. I am such a masochist. Grade school days, anyone? I remember something Ms. Quesada told me when I went back to my high school, "You were a really troubled/depressed person back in high school, noh?" Was I really? I don't think so. Although I really should know better than to listen to Ms. Quesada..

I lost my train of thought cause I was busy updating lj. Boo.

this red book

2007-06-10T01:02:00.000+08:00

This red book by pinback is such a beautiful beautiful song. I honestly have no idea what the song means, cause Pinback's lyrics are incomprehensible that way, but I love how it depresses me. I love the Uh-oh in the song, as if, yes, it were really meant. I've been downloading new music again, yey for me! I really need an mp3 player or something. I want to make playlists and organize my music. By genre, by solo/band, by male/female/lgbt, by country, by decade...

shut up

2007-06-07T17:34:00.000+08:00

I really should shut up. Right about now. I jinxed myself.

going back on what i said

2007-06-06T22:14:00.000+08:00

In reference to my previous post, what comes with mellow-ness and peace is this sometimes insane desire for my life to just HAPPEN.

Something is always happening to someone, so why can't it be me?

hush now

2007-06-05T20:46:00.000+08:00

After our medyo inuman at Cantina and on the way to the MRT station, Mico asked if I was tired. Maybe it had something to do with the sudden silence in his car, as opposed to all the screaming and shouting we did in Cantina. Kasi namannnnnnnnn... haha another story for another day. Pero anyway, I couldn't really find a reason for my silence so I just told him, "Ah, hindi. Napaisip lang ako." About what? Mostly about the latter part of what was said in Cantina. Then I told him it was just nice to hear and listen to all those things being said (yes, I'm being very vague here). We both laughed and agreed that yup, it is very healthy to let things out and just vent and just let people (whether they're your friends or complete strangers) knock some sense in your head.

So anyway, I just realized why I was so quiet then. (I get these really late realizations-- they happen when I don't need them haha) My life has definitely mellowed out in recent times. There's a (lot) less of everything-- less action, less "alam-mo-ba-kung-ano-nangyari-sakin??" moments, less craziness, less violence (huwa??)... But hopefully, no less laughter nor life. (Ang labo ng sentence na yun, but I really should stop giving myself side comments). And guess what. I kind of like it this way. I like this mellow-ness. I like how my life has definitely plateau-d these past few days/weeks/months. True, I still look for adventure and something new and crazy and fun and stupid to do, but I think I've stayed away from actually doing that.

I think I've become boring, but with it comes this sort of peace/contentment with how things are. Not completely contented of course-- I still get those sudden drop in EQ points feeling-- but maybe this is just what I need. After everything that's happened-- information, sensory and emotional overload.

Or well, is this the calm before the storm?

cyclical

2007-05-22T23:39:00.000+08:00

I was going through my blog and then I realized something. Whatever has happened then is happening now. Things don't change. There is always this prevalent feeling of being useless and unproductive and denying whatever I shouldn't be feeling.

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out my current state and how it has come to this. I think I do have a pretty good idea of why all this is here. And recognition is supposed to be a good thing, right? Acceptance is the start. (After denial, anyway) After acceptance, you move on. You stop finding fault in yourself and in others and look towards the future cause there's nothing you can do about the past. Just move on. Guess what, it takes me forever to move on. So I guess I will be down this lonely self pity trip for quite a while.

I'm worried about the long term effects of this. I get this nagging feeling that this will get worse before it gets any better. And I'm wondering, jeez, it is really possible for things to get any worse? As if I'm not paranoid enough as it is already. Always, I'm scared and depressed and reclusive. Or I only choose to see a select few. I can count the number of people in my hand the people that I do want to see and whose company I enjoy. The rest, i feel I'll just be blah to them or they will just be blah to me. And the wit that I thought I possessed is gone.

But the point is: I shouldn't deny what I'm feeling. It's what I'm feeling. It's what I tell others; it isn't wrong to feel-- it's just what you do about them that matters. Uh. I haven't done anything about them. Where does that fall? But here, if people get sick of hearing what I have to say, is that their problem? Or will I be left with no one? Haha this is crazy.

We are so good at telling other people what to do. But we never follow our own advice. We laugh and make fun of people when they're so stupid. But when it's our turn, we always turn a blind eye. We like to criticize others not realizing that maybe somewhere, someone out there is criticizing us just as well in that same horrid manner.

I'm sick of who I am and what I've become. When I try to think of possible ways for me to change, I give a semi-half-hearted effort (so is that 1/4 effort?) and God knows, it'll take more than a semi-half-hearted effort for things to change.

A few years from now I'll be reading this same post and I'll realize, dayum, I'm still going through the same shit?

once

2007-05-20T01:54:00.000+08:00

I'm currently listening to the soundtrack of "Once." I saw the trailer on Apple.com and it was so moving, I just had to download the songs. I so have to watch this movie. The songs are so powerful and the trailer showed nothing but very very very positive reviews.

And so the music is transporting me to another place and another time.

You only meet the right person once.

All this time, what if, what if that person was just there.. But we're always so scared when we're faced with the things we actually want. We screw up things that are already there.

The moment was there and then it's gone. The song ends and the words I want to write down have gone along with it. There is no one, you know. No particular person for whom that song is written. Every song has a story, every person has a story. What's my song and what's my story? Who is this song dedicated to? That when it is played, it will be you I think about. Whoever you are. There will be memories, little trinkets that will remind me of you. Times, dates, places-- all of you. Whoever you are.

There's always a difference between what you desire and what's right. What's right is not always what you desire, or vice versa. So when you meet someone right, does that mean that that person isn't the one you desire?

I try to conjure up an image of someone who fits the mold of these songs. It's that futile search for something that evades us or for all we know could be right there.

masters

2007-05-17T01:25:00.000+08:00

I've been going masters' shopping these past few weeks. It used to be something I did just for fun. All this time, I was under the notion that I am quite capable of pursuing a masters' degree in kinesiology/exercise science. But the more I research about it, the more disheartened I get.

For one thing, how do I choose what school to go to? Should I go to the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, elsewhere? I mean, come on, how do you narrow down your choices? I know pretty much what I'm looking for but narrowing it down is the hard part because all the courses sound the same and there are only a few differences here and there. But that's just my opinion-- maybe I should read the fine print even more.

And then my second worry pops up. Are my undergraduate grades good enough? I've been trying to figure out how to compute GWA (General Weighted Average-- UP system) to GPA, but no such luck there. When I look at my transcript of grades, all I see are more causes for rejection. Cause they're just average at best.

And then the ultimate (or at least I think so) pops up-- where am I GONNA GET THE MONEY?? :O who knew studying abroad could be so expensive? I did a rough estimate of tuition costs, board and lodging for roughly 2 years of masters and the price tag came down to P3million. Come on. Where am I going to get that much money? And that's not even taking into account the tests I have to take (GRE, TOEFL), student visa, plane tickets, allowance.. and the list goes on and on. And I must be kidding myself if I want to make the Fall 2008 application. I don't even know how to start looking for scholarships. And hello, will they even accept me? This is me once again downplaying my abilities and capabilities but it's a very rational thought. I can think of a thousand reasons why I won't be accepted and I'm pretty sure I've got some stiff competition out there.

But this is what I want. And I know I have to find a way to get the things I want on my own, without being too reliant on others. I want to be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. I want the fitness industry here to be based on science and research and not just something recreational. Although there's nothing wrong with that, I just think that we study so hard for a research-oriented approach to sports and health, so why not put it to good use right? And it's time health should be a priority of the Filipinos. The way I see it, I think most people think of fitness centers as the new Starbucks-- look good and feel good as well as the place to see and be seen. Too little emphasis is placed on the why's and the how's. There's no information campaign on why they do these fitness classes or the exercises they do and how it affects their bodies.

And then I get those nagging fears again. Is this really what I want? Or is this something I just settled for just because it's there? Or is it just because I feel as if I have a better chance with this than succeeding in Med? It scares me. What if I suddenly realize that this isn't for me? Like by some twisted chance of fate, I'm able to support myself in grad school, will I realize it will have been for nothing and realize I flushed away millions of pesos? What a wonderful thought, eh?
I have one year to figure out whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Get it right!

summer

2007-05-09T22:03:00.000+08:00

Summer vacation is supposed to be fun. I'm supposed to be making the most out of this final stretch. I wanted to dedicate this summer to fulfilling my "me" needs, to tell the world to go screw itself and just think about what I want. But I can't seem to get myself into high gear. Sure, there are the occasional parties and beach trips, but nothing has happened yet to make this summer memorable. I'm becoming restless and I feel like I'm just waiting for things to happen. I wish I could make things happen, i really do, but the lack of moolah prevents me from making things happen. There's only so much you can watch on DVD and surf the net before it suddenly sinks in that you've done nothing productive or done nothing that would rank on the cool-o-meter. Except for the constant 3pm onwards (usually until 530pm) moments that I share with the 3pm group, i think I lived a relatively boring final summer. And instead of this becoming a reflective journey or at least a moment of rest, I constantly get frustrated with myself because I wish that I what I am actually doing (which is what, exactly?) has substance or some vision. For now, I'm contented (or so it seems) to just let days pass and see what each day has in store for me. Although days have become pretty predictable, I still like to think they present some element of surprise. But seriously, who am I kidding?

continuation [edit]

2007-05-08T23:51:00.000+08:00

This day would not have been what it is without you. From the start of the day to now. And I meant what I said, both times. And well, I know all you'll do is laugh at me, just like how I'll laugh at you when / if you do that to me. But forever will I be grateful for you, for coming into my life and just being you. And I know I probably say all this to you a million times to the point that I sound like a broken record. But that's just cause I run out of words to thank you and to let you know about all this.

Crazy really how all of this is, huh? I don't think I ever would have expected this. Anyway, yes I'm still on a crazy hangover. And not the alcoholic kind, mind you.

a year older

2007-05-08T23:48:00.000+08:00

Birthdays are one of the most dreaded days of the year. They never turn out the way you want them to. You always end up expecting more from others, from this day, from yourself. You keep wishing that something special happens just because it's your birthday. But you know in the end, except for the fact that you turn a year older, (which you don't even feel), birthdays are just like any other day of the year.

But occasionally, yes, they rarely turn out the way you want them to-- they end up becoming something better.

I didn't expect much from this day since it's kind of a pattern that odd birthdays are usually less eventful than even birthdays (well, in my case anyway). So I was preparing myself for a day of lounging around at home, abusing the internet and DVD player, annoying Lafi and trying not to act my age-- which Lafi thinks I did a very good job, since he told me to "Act my age" on more than one occasion. But Mel orders me to be in PHAn by 1pm, so so much for my being a homebody on my birthday.

I guess this day truly started in the afternoon. Nothing extremely surprising happened, except for Mel's gift which completely floored me because I was not expecting anyone to give me this. But today left me feeling surprisingly contented, from Shaq calling me up at 12mn to greet me, to Lafi running up the stairs to greet me, to Missy and Bim screaming at me from the second floor of PHAn, to the mini coop and flaming wings, to texts from people whom I haven't seen in the longest time (upsca, pugad, hk, family, high school), to a text from Drew :P, to donuts and pugad and to mass and dinner with my family.

And well, it's the sum of all these little things that made me wish this birthday lasted just a little bit longer. :)

So to all those who greeted me and surprised me via phone call, text, personal greetings, ym, multiply, friendster, lj, mail-- thank you so so much!!! You have no idea how much that all meant to me. Thank you for making this birthday not so sucky after all. In fact, so not sucky at all. <3

wow. how i wish i could relate to this song

2007-04-29T22:16:00.000+08:00

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me

because i secretly love flowers deep down inside

2007-04-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

Yey! Summer in UP usually means sunflowers! Every year, I always make it a point to take a picture of these sunshine-y flowers-- and try and pick one too-- before they die out. So, who wants to go on a late night escapade with me and pick these flowers, military style?

the pics aren't as clear as I would have wanted them to be. Too bad. They looked prettier in the cam.

bittersweet

2007-04-14T23:31:00.000+08:00

How bittersweet. More bitter than sweet. Because I decided to read Dani's Multiply blog so that inspired me to check my grades for the second sem too. So I finally checked my grades online last night and there they were. For some reason, the numbers looked incomprehensible and i couldn't figure out how I was supposed to interpret them. So I computed my GWA and there, the calculator does not lie. Strangely enough, I felt nothing. No whoops of joy, no jumping up and down by my lonesome, no sighs of relief. And here it starts to sink in as I stare at them again. Painful acceptance. Resignation of fate, I guess. i find it strangely ironic how I can muster up the best grades ever, knowing this has been the toughest sem I've ever gone through, yet still know it's not enough.

2007-03-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

well aren't we two depressed people?

it's not what it is

2007-03-28T03:24:00.000+08:00

this is turning out worse than i expected.

with so many people to love in my life, why do i worry about one?

that pretty much sums it up but it's not what it may seem to be.

one step forward, two steps backward

2007-03-21T03:11:00.000+08:00

I nearly ended up writing 2 steps behind until i remembered that's a song. Uh yeah. Right.

In roughly a couple of weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to my fourth year life. I'll be saying goodbye to a lot of things actually. After four years, friends who I made in my first year of college (aka co-freshies, sophies in five year courses) are all leaving. Wow. Heavy drama. Fine. They'll be graduating. And moving on to the great unknown called the workplace. And I'll be saying goodbye to the familiarity, to the things I was so used to. And there it is. Effin change.

Back to the subject. That pretty much sums it up, I guess. And I try to think of something this year that i did that was worthwhile or worth recognizing and ho hum..

Father Jboy and Bro Bros said we were all put there for a reason, that we were never placed there if God didn't have a plan for us in the first place. I'm not questioning God and His plans (well, ok, fine, I am) but it is beyond understanding. Or at least my level of understanding. What have i realized? It was a truly humbling experience and something I don't think I will ever look back with much enthusiasm. But how that realization helps others or the world is beyond me. It's all been one selfish ploy. that's what this whole year has been about.

Haha. I'm being overly dramatic, aren't I?

And my lj is so overly pretentious. I hate myself there. While this is overly dramatic. I hate myself here too.

Or maybe because it's 4am?

calm

2007-03-16T02:13:00.000+08:00

If this is the calm before the storm, wonder what the storm will bring. There are so many things to worry about, yet i refuse to worry about them. Why is that? Why am i always so afraid? Why?

2007-03-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

There are days when going through two orgs just drains the life out of me-- either with all the activities, or all the politics, or all the fun, or all not mentioned. But today was a day when I welcomed that draining energy. Because it was all worth it. Laughing with everyone, being MYSELF, being accepted. Seeing all that positive reaction-- it's all good, baby.

Miting de avance in pugad and papuri FA in upsca.

I'm so proud of those running in pugad. I know that the org will be in good hands. And I'm thankful for the current execom for instilling in those running that pugad passion.

FA in upsca. It is such a blessing to hear those voices singing in Delaney Hall. "Seasons of love," "for the beauty" and "love is the answer" it just sends me on another dimension. And then the responsiveness of the people there. Seeing them smile and laugh.

Seriously, when you notice those little things, it makes all the difference. It gives you something to look forward to once again.

amazing race asia 2

2007-03-05T22:52:00.000+08:00

Silly me, I ended up downloading the forms for the amazing race asia 2 until I remembered, oh yeah, I'm still twenty.

Sorry, babe. I know you want to join this, but looks like we gotta wait for another year. Crap. Haha! But think of it this way: imagine if we got in, what a grad gift that would be! Haha!

seventeen magazines and change

2007-03-04T23:39:00.000+08:00

I really should learn how to be more productive. And not wait til the absolute last minute before I start working.

My sister brought home the March issue of Seventeen today and was recommending me to read it. i was going to, but I was in the middle of Candy. She goes, "Lei, it's a nice issue! There are even tips on cramming inside!"

To which I reply, "Ate, I don't need tips."

There is effort on my part to try and change, you know. But it's just so darn hard when you're so used to what you have and you know that for the longest time, even though it hasn't given you the best results, it hasn't failed either. In other words, if it ain't broke, why fix it?

And this trying to change things, I wish it carries over to ALL aspects of my life, but for some reason, it just stays where it is. Which is kind of sad cause you know, I really do recognize the need to change just so everything else will be more stable.

hair, bangs and me. why again?

2007-03-04T23:38:00.000+08:00

This is a very un-me entry. Read: kikay. Although you would find hints of me in this entry, thus remembering oh yes, it's still me writing this. Read: self-obsessed.

I had my hair cut today. It's um.. Something normal, for a change. But i'm still trying to figure out what it's supposed to be or how I'm supposed to fix it. It's short, which is what I wanted and layered enough, which is also what I wanted, but it ends there. I think I'm going to regret getting those darned bangs because knowing me, I would never even bother trying to fix those bangs. I would not even ATTEMPT to fix them. And here I was, trying to convince myself that I would fix them on a regular basis, just so I can have some sort of control over my hair. But just a few hours after, I get tired just thinking about them. And not to mention that my forehead is starting to break out (whaaattt?? here's to conceited-ness but I never break out :P)

I just realized the bangs play a major part of what my hair is supposed to look like. Part it one side, wow, automatic girly-ness. Part it on the other, I look like a screamo kid/boy. Wow! Instant androgyny! Which was what I wanted to avoid when i decided to get my hair cut.

I really should have just waited and saved up to have my hair curled. Haha.

But if this keeps up, I am definitely getting that mohawk.

cssp sc chair elections

2007-03-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

how weird is it that I forgot to mention the freshies in that previous post? But, hey, them too! picoy, mon, ruby, mario, jana, dior, junie, jb.... Them.

It is such a scary thought. I know I can do so much when I'm motivated and it really really feels good when people notice that and appreciate it. Call it ego-tripping but you know, we really really need that in life. Especially me. when you know people appreciate what you do, I mean that's it. No need for rewards or awards, just the simple respect or acknowledgment of what you did. And I love it. Haha.

The independent candidate running for cssp sc chair is so hot. Steph Tan. Steph forward. Haha. Julie and I became such fan girls after we saw her and we heard her speak. I love how real she is-- no pretensions, no airs about her. None of the canned speeches you are so used to hearing from all the other candidates. I do admit she does have a tough task ahead of her, running in a college so very known for its partisan politics and here she is running for chair. But I do admire her courage. To actually take that risk and try to change things. Naneng said things don't change overnight but here she is, trying to spark that change.

But if you do think about it, what she fights for is almost very similar to what the other parties do stand for. But the way she presents it and the way she's not afraid And maybe for things to change, they have to presented in a different package.

I swear. Me, Bri and Julie are so smitten. I think she's the only candidate whom I questioned that much. The way she responds is so candid and real (!! for lack of a better word). She makes it a point to connect with her audience and her recognition of her faults make her even more appealing (like admitting that she didn't speak good Filipino).

I am so smitten. Haha. And how insane is it that I checked her friendster? And Julie is willing to be her alalay. Haha.

But too bad I'm not from cssp. Here's to advertising the hell for her. Haha. If she does win though, I hope her being different is not just some facade or some show for everyone to notice her, with that streaked hair and funky haircut.

This post was supposed to be an objective one. All objectivity went out the window.
But really. I will have an objective post about this. Soon. Swear.

pugad

2007-02-28T00:32:00.000+08:00

At the start of the sem, I told the current execom that I would not be able to renew my membership in pugad this year. My commitment to my other org would take too much time, especially in the second sem and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to reach the 60% cut off grade. But here I am. Finding myself in pugad after so long, and realizing this was what I was missing. Now making an effort to drop by the tambayan more often and talk to the people whom I always see but never get a chance to know. And then making an effort to go to the activities, even if I'm late or have to miss a part of the activity, fine. And it's getting harder and harder cause now my life is planned by the minute and by the hour and if I don't follow the schedule, everything goes haywire.

So anyway, its been two weeks since i started this pugad rejuvenation thing and all the more do I feel so grateful for giving it and myself in this org a chance again. A chance to remember pugad and all it means to me, a chance to remember all the relationships and memories formed with all the people there, and now a chance to start anew: A chance to prove myself that I am still worthy to be there, a chance to see pugad for what it really is again, and most importantly, a chance to form new relationships and to truly get to know these new faces.

So to the people who have gone out of their way to accept me and to get to know me and to the people whom I cannot help but feel an instant connection with even if we've only bonded for a short while... to those crazy sophies whom I absolutely love to death-- ivy, jb, julie, jam, dana, meg, kat, miko, shobe, apol. the juniors who continue to make me feel at home --chub, ria, missy, jeejay, josh, inch, carcar. then those seniors whom i just cannot get enough of-- rica, bri, ice.

love. love. love. I find reasons to be there again and I look for it. i really really do want this to end in a different way. Not in the way I always end pugad: disappearing.

inner conflict

2007-02-12T21:11:00.000+08:00

we have to be unafraid to fall. It's human nature to be afraid. And here, I've spent most (if not all) of this year being afraid. But

And yes, I do feel I am to blame.

There has to be a purpose to what we do. The hows, the whos, that's all well and good. It's the why that has to be answered. And that's the question I can never seem to answer.

Everyday, let's just try something new. For a change.

Just fuggedaboudit. Really. Really. I know there are a lot of things on your mind right now.

But seriously, are you really like that? When the going gets tough, you get going? Come on. I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

Key word there in that statement: I thought

But come on, is it in you to give up?

I'm here already. I've been here for an entire year. What have I done? Maybe I'm better suited for something else. And after everything, is that what they would still want to see?

Lead by example.

What example? R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me... And like I said, I'm here already.

You got to be made of sterner stuff, babe.

Exactly my point. I'm not. And besides, enough with that complex. Sad to think I always put myself on that pedestal. For a long time, that was all I held on to. Now I wonder why.

Know the why's, dear.

I'm just so tired. I just don't see myself in it-- for all its beauty and its strengths and how much I believe it-- it gets worse everyday.

Put it aside. Since when has it all been about you?

But see, what else can I give?

There should never be a limit to that. Remember, we were all put there for a reason. That it's always going to be something beyond us. It's always going to be bigger than us. Wasn't that what attracted you in the first place? Stripping yourself free from everything and it not being about you. And that was what we were taught. That was what we felt. That was what/who we are. It prepares us to be something bigger and better than ourselves. And that's what we've lost. it's been reduced to something about us.
I remember something Fr. Ferdie said, "If you do things for the right reasons. everything else will fall into place."
And then just when I think I have everything figured out, it all shatters again.

But this is exactly what I don't want. Really. I'm good at being told what to do. Tell me what to do and I'll do it.

There are so many stories of it going through adversity and overcoming difficulty. World war 2, martial law.. evrything. It will get through this. But you cannot stand there in the corner and do nothing about it.

But I'm good at doing nothing, too.

Granted there are so many faults and thats what overwhelms you. But nothing will change while you stand there.

What will change? I've tried. Every year, I have to try and try again. Always the same old, same old.

Coldplay, mehn: Nobody said it was easy...

I've become more confused than I could have ever thought. This whole process has made me lose track of who I am and who I thought I was. I thought I had myself pretty much figured out already. And now, I'm worse off than when I started. A truly, truly humbling experience. And just when I think it might be over, another wave may be coming in.

senseless wednesday

2006-12-20T20:48:00.000+08:00

It's been a tiring day today. I got sick again, not enough people showed up for caroling, I didn't get to see the people who I wanted to see, too much food... Basically, everything fell short of my expectations.

Granted there were really good memories, but come on. If 10% of your day is shit, chances are you'll be thinking about that than the 90% good stuff.

Why do we expect so much? From ourselves, from other people? Why can't we just take things as they are? Why are we never content? Or we know we should be, but we aren't?

And then this is not helping. I'm being bratty again, like always (I'm bratty when I blog.. Yep look at me, I'm a brat). It's Christmas and nothing seems to be going right. Somehow all these things just seem to blow up in my face. I'm seriously hoping it's just for today.

I'm tired. I should go to bed.

You're leaving tomorrow. Yup, we'll see each other again, as we always do. Have fun! You're spoiling my family!

trembling blue stars

2006-12-06T21:34:00.000+08:00

I"m so far from being over you...

I'm not like them. I'm not like them. How it could be so easy for the two of you to find someone new just like that. And me? Gosh, i've been hung up over the same person for the past year or so. And yes, it's over. And what the hell, could there be anything more? I doubt it. Haven't I accepted that fact already? If I did, why is it so damn hard to move on and find someone new or please, just give it a rest.

For once, can I just be like them? Forget about it all, find someone new, find someone right now, get on with my life and not think of you every freaking minute of my life.

I don't want to be like this.

great

2006-12-06T08:26:00.000+08:00

Just great. really.

What was I thinking? What am I thinking? There are marks on my fist to prove my point. And why again?

There it is.

something new

2006-12-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

And different for a change.

Not.

Haha! Thanks to Borat for reviving Not jokes. Haha!

"What's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?"

Question of the weekend.

Don't you know that I'll be around to guide you, through your weakest moments to leave them behind you.. Returning nightmares only shadows, we'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now

2006-11-30T01:13:00.000+08:00

So you're right there. And I'm right here. So what's the problem? This is a game that only I may be playing. And I never stick to my convictions. Being unable to figure it out when it's already there. How hard can it be, right?

Motor Learning and Performance by Richard Schmidt: It's the third stage of learning. The most changes and adjustments occur during the first two stages. It's the third stage that's the most difficult. It's where mastery of the skill and automaticity develops, but adjustments made are less obvious than the first two stages.

And that other minor detail? Oh yeah. That kind of crossed my mind. But then again, not really.

this is a surprise

2006-11-07T20:40:00.000+08:00

Ignorance is bliss. Or so I thought. Or so I believe.
False hope is better than no hope at all.

Really?

Welcome back to reality. I've never been much of a grades person. I always thought my grades reflected how much I've learned. Really?

Or they usually reflected my interest in the subject.

Really?

Is everything proportional or inversely proportional? I have no trends when it comes to my grades. I thought I was doing ok, enough to stay afloat. Now I just realized I have to fight for my life. Find some loophole somewhere, do something to make up for all that. One year. One year makes all the fucking difference.

To be honest, I think I've forgotten how to react to certain things. I'm so devoid of emotion lately. Everything has just been... OK. My grades (some low, some high, unexpected surprises), org stuff (really I should be feeling the pressure now), friendships / relationships (is that really what I want?) and that should be all good, right? I can't deal with stuff being just OK. There's nothing there. It's like you're just hanging around waiting for something to happen to you before you actually do something. I'm standing on this insanely straight line, standing in the middle of nowhere. Standing in the middle. There's just no direction.

For someone who thrives on emotions, I seem to have forgotten what they actually are.

would you rather?

2006-11-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

Would you rather know or not know?

no
know
don't know

blank but i want to ramble. person(s) in my head. always one and not the other. always the other but never the one.

i don't know. the only thing that we fear is a missed opportunity. lost.

i think too little then think too much. i think.

or not think. or i must be crazy.

how about that bottomless glass eh? why not.

this is not what you think it is. really. i'm fine. i just get emotional when i go on dvd marathons. when i'm out of myself, that's when i feel something. and i'm not supposed to feel those. because i'm fine. life is. fine. and i don't know why. why we hate being content. why we always want something more when it's already there. again, this is not what you think. it's the damn song's fault this time. why we can't just accept things as they are. and then we end up taking those things for granted.

and i'm crazy. i really am.

again??

2006-10-16T01:40:00.000+08:00

Dammit. I hate the way you're always right and the way you see right through me every effing time. I wonder how the hell you do it every time. Usually, I'm thankful for it because you give insight to my life that I never would have figure out on my own but on days like these, it hits me how little common sense I have and you, YOU always make me realize that. And it sucks. Cause I feel so stupid around you. And then I wonder if you've hit that conclusion as well. And if/when that happens, I ask myself, "What the hell do you need me for?"

And then I would probably take the question back because I'm suddenly afraid that the answer you might give me might be, "I don't."

Which would definitely suck even more.

So I would probably just suck this up (like I do every time) and go on feeling lousy about myself when I know I shouldn't. And I'd feel bad cause you did nothing wrong. And I'll feel even worse if you found out that this is how I felt.

And then things will get better and I'll forget I've ever felt this way. Then it'll happen again. It's a horrible cycle and it's amazing really how you always manage to keep me on my toes when I'm with you.

edited: and then you go and do something which just makes me smile and forget all my nastiness towards you. And then I go feeling gulity for feeling this way.

from liverpoolfc.tv

2006-10-08T01:44:00.000+08:00

AGONIES AND ECSTASIES IN MANILA
Graham Dwyer 05 October 2006

Graham Dwyer explains how he keeps in touch with his favourite team from a part of the world which hasn't yet fallen in love with the beautiful game in this week's 'LFC Letter From...' column.

It is first light on the morning of 26 May 2005 in a scruffy side street in Manila’s central business district. With the tropical sun already baking the potholed roadside, a group of bleary eyed supporters of Liverpool FC are celebrating one of the Reds’ most famous victories of all time after a very long night.

No doubt a similar scene was being played out among many of the 73 million viewers of this game around world. But for me, the sight of Steve Gerrard hauling aloft the European Cup live from Istanbul was special - an ecstatic release after 20 years of occasional jubilation, sometimes frustration, and moments of tragedy and heartbreak – most of it watched from afar.

With the strains of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” still ringing in my ears, I staggered out of the bar into the blinding sunlight deliriously happy and proud. It had been a long night in Manila, which at that time of year is seven hours ahead of UK (so live European football plays on cable TV at around 3 a.m.).

Passing locals would have wondered what all the fuss was about. Liverpool FC – and Premiership football in general – enjoys a small but dedicated fan base among expats in Manila. But to the wider local population, it has about as much relevance as Peruvian tiddlywinks.

Unlike the rest of Southeast Asia (in Bangkok, taxi drivers, when they know I am from Liverpool, ask if they can have Steve Gerrard’s phone number) the Philippines is largely indifferent to “soccer,” as it is known in local parlance. I could be covered head to toe in red and decked out in enough Liver bird insignias to start a small street stall, and they would still ask me what sport a team called “Carlsberg” plays.

There are various reasons for this, most of them rooted in the unique colonial/cultural heritage of the country. “Four hundred years in a convent and 50 years in Hollywood,” the old cliche goes about the Philippines.

From centuries of Spanish rule, the country picked up Catholicism, surnames that would not sound out of place in the Argentinean second eleven, and a taste for a sport that would send the British animal rights lobby into apoplexy - live cockfighting.

On any given Sunday, throughout the country, you will find the local cockpits packed to the gunnels as two cocks, their feet strapped with vicious strap on blades that look like they fell off a velociraptor, slug it out for place of honour as the Sunday roast. A fluttering of the feathers, a few squawks and it is usually over mercifully quickly, at least for the loser. Perhaps if the Premiership tried out those blades, the game would be more popular over here!

From the turn of last century to before World War II, the almost 50 years of American rule also had a decisive influence, leaving the country spiritually an adjunct of Hollywood, complete with its fast food culture, supersized SUVs, an unhealthy love of small firearms, and – of all things – playing basketball. This last obsession I have always found ironic in a country where Craig Bellamy would look positively lanky.

Few other sports (except perhaps boxing) get a serious look in on the local TV. Anyway, the few local football matches I have caught on the box looked like they were being played in a dustbowl by people wearing clogs.

British football, meanwhile, is mostly the preserve of the eccentric British and European expats who watch at their homes or beamed live into a few specialized bars or clubs.

These days, of course, you can follow games and scores no matter where you are living around the world, whether on cable or satellite TV, the Internet through web casts, or even cell phone updates.

It is all a far cry from 1992, when I first found myself in Manila during a crucial match. That year, of course, Liverpool were up against Sunderland in the FA Cup Final and I was desperate to watch the game.

Information was not easy to come by and I remember scooting from bar to bar in the city looking for somewhere the game might be on. I received a tip off that a luxury hotel was showing it, so headed across town and dashed around inside as the kickoff time came and went, frantically asking where the game was on. Of course, the local staff, thinking I was a couple of defenders short of a full squad, could not have been more uncomprehending had I been describing the theory of quantum physics in fluent Norwegian. Needless to say, I never did get to see the match.

By the time of the 1996 FA Cup, I had got my act together (slightly) and bought a tiny portable shortwave radio that could (on a good night) tune into the BBC World Service. On a bad night, it would leave me listening to a mass of white noise, punctuated by the occasional snatch of Hindi. I ended up listening to the game perched in the black of night on the pavement outside Guam airport. Of course, given the result, I might have wished I had not bothered. But you have to take the rough with the smooth with any team, and that was certainly the case with the ‘90s Reds.

Which all brings us to this season’s prospects? Well, as of time of writing, the Reds have made their trademark shaky start and a satisfying team balance has yet to emerge. But with their main Premiership rivals looking more vulnerable then previous years and a squad that on paper looks the most exciting in the league, I believe there is some hope for more serious success in the coming year.

And whatever the triumphs or tribulations to come, I will be here, cheering the Reds on with a few other hardy souls, who share in their agonies and ecstasies from a 7,000 mile away perch in self imposed exile.

how sad how football is so underrated in this country. I still stand by my belief that Filipinos would make better football players than basketball players. And please, we have more fields than asphalt (well, not in Metro Manila anyway), so football would be more accessible to everyone else. And you don't even need shoes to play it!

um.

2006-10-01T23:38:00.000+08:00

haha.

maybe in time we'll realize that...

al pacino's speech in any given sunday

2006-09-23T23:56:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to say really.
Three minutes
to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Either
we heal
as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch
play by play
till we're finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me
and
we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
or
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.

Now I can't do it for you.
I'm too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh....
I pissed away all my money
believe it or not.
I chased off
anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately,
I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don't quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don't quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know
when we add up all those inches
that's going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.

I'll tell you this
in any fight
it is the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.

That's a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That's football guys.
That's all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?

better

2006-09-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

Definitely a better meeting than the last. We lasted til 10pm again but definitely a change from the usual meeting that would last only around an hour and a half. Even they admitted they were having fun and I didn't look tense anymore. Haha! It's only one night, one meeting, but it's definitely a start. I hate to burst my bubble and this instant high I'm feeling but I know that tomorrow, the other matters will relatively be the same. But getting over this initial hump was a big step. So i hope this is a sign of things to come. See, God really really works/moves in mysterious ways. If we can just project what we feel or how we feel to everything else we do, things would really really be.. great. haha. For lack of words to say.

ooo. rockstar replay. gotta watch.

all about me

2006-09-12T00:07:00.000+08:00

So yes I'm afraid of showing who I really am. So here's to light funny topics to avoid the inevitable. So yes, I'm trying to pretend that everything's ok in my life. So yes, I'm that self-absorbed and that superficial. Welcome to my life.

Oh how we hate being content with our lives. How we love to screw them up. All for the drama. All for the excitement.

I have to finish this

2006-09-10T23:49:00.000+08:00

I don't want to prolong this anymore than I should. Time to face reality, responsibility, reason, release... everything.

Oh, I'm so good at avoiding things. Hoping things will go away. But the past has a horrible way of cathing up to you and chasing you til you can never truly avoid it.

My whole life has been a lie. For the longest time, I thought I was living my life on the edge but now, I think I've been playing with that line all this time. Moving it and moving it so that the edge goes farther and I only end up stepping on the previous line. I thought took great leaps but all those leaps were in my head. I thought I shared my life and myself with others, until I realized I built wals the size of the Great Wall around me.

But why, why is it that every time I try to be sincere, or every time I actually am, everything has to blow up in my face.

Oh what I've realized these past few days: the world always wins. And here I am fighting a losing battle. A battle I was never meant to fight in the first place. Yet as always, I choose to complicate my life. And the truth? Well people never want to hear about it anyway. And now that I think about it, what truth? My truth changes everyday.

It hurts. But what the heck, at least I still know I'm capable of feeling.

org

2006-08-30T23:05:00.000+08:00

I have an exam tomorrow. My notes are on the net but God. God. God. We just had the alumni homecoming (or should I say presidents' homecoming) in upsca.

it frightens me. standing in front of everyone, talking about upsca, sweating profusely , stuttering, and absolutely wondering if i made any sense whatsoever. thank god for the others for saving my ass--again! how did i put myself in this situation, to be in front of people who have seen and experienced upsca's glory days? to be in front of presidents who have been such an integral part of upsca and all its glory and history. and wow. how the hell did i end up there?

hearing them speaking, knowing all the challenges that we have to face and are currently facing (yup, pandagdag lang yung sinabi ng mga alumni).. it scares me. it makes me apprehensive. but it excites me.

i don't know, save for a few, what the rest of the members think of everything that's happening in the organization. come to think of it, it frightens me that i don't have a grip on them, that i don't kow what they're thinking.

why are we so afraid of change? what have we got to lose? um.. a lot. haha. but is change always a bad thing?

these are just weird random thoughts. but i dunno. i hate how this feels, how i can feel so determined and passionate about this (wow. which i realized just now that it's a very good thing considering my passion fruit's been running really low these past months), but at the same time feel so useless because i have no idea what to do about it or how to go about it.

wait. rockstar supernova. be back in a bit.

who knew I'd end up like this?

2006-08-21T21:19:00.000+08:00

I'm an old soul unable to keep up with the changing times. What is it with me and being unable to accept change? I'm losing m grip on things and letting myself be run over.

No. I've always been open to ideas--to everything actually that I let you do what you want without any objection from me. And when I do, it sounds like I'm imposing everything on them. Hello. I listen to you, listen to me. Wait. Correction. You do listen, but here I am, fighting a losing battle.

I'm so used to getting my things my way. Welcome to the real world, Lei. Welcome to life. What took you so long?

God. I love what my friend wrote about in her blog. I love how sincere it is. I love the way she is able to grasp all her emotions and articulate them, that you feel its heartfeltness and sincerity. Something I'm never able to do. My feelings lack the clarity and depth that some people are just able to capture and put into words.

huwaw part 2

2006-08-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

totoong huwaw naman to. Basta, nakakabilib, nakakatuwa. Ibang klase. Grabe. Acle. Reaksyon. Maraming tao. Hay. Sana tuloy tuloy na to.

16 ang huling bilang ko.

ano ba

2006-08-16T23:28:00.000+08:00

Kasasabi ko nga lang na magbagong buhay ka... lechers naman o.

huwaw

2006-08-16T23:01:00.000+08:00

sa totoo lang, ngayon lang uli ako nabagabag nang ganito. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ito nararamdaman ko ngayon. Siguro dahil maliban lang sa sampung minutong tulog sa tambayan, tuloy tuloy lahat ng mga gawain ko ngayon. Alam ko madalang ko lang gamitin ang rason ng "pagod" pagdating dito, (kasi naman, kelan ba ako napapagaod? Apparently, posible pala ang ganitong klaseng pagod), kaya siguro kaya ko pagbigyan sarili ko. Pero hindi eh. Hindi ako naniniwala sa mga rason, sa mga dahilan.. kung gusto mo, may paraan. kung ayaw, maraming *toot* dahilan. Hindi ko kayang gamitin ang pagod (o kung anuman bilang excuse, kung tutuusin nga dapat wala nga akong excuse eh), pero putek. Paano ako naging ganito? Yung mga ginawa ko nang nakaraan, di ko na magawa ngayon. Kung paano ako dati, sobrang ibang-iba ako ngayon.

Ang daming nangyari ngayon (actually, ang daming nangyayari ngayon) na napaisip ako ng todo. Mabuti naman yan, diba? Kesa naman wala akong ginagawa. Pero putek, hanggang kailan ko ba to kailangan pag-isipan? Kulang talaga lahat ng mga aksyon/gawain ko. Parang napapansin ko na napapansin ng mga myembro na parang wala akong ginagawa. Wala ba? Alam ko marami akong pagkukulang, pero hindi ko to bibitawan (?) nakakapagod siya talaga pero solusyon ba to? Shet. Mali ang unang sinulat ko. Natakot ako dun ah. Ba't ako napaisip ng ganyan? Umabot na ba sa ganyang lebel na iyun na ang iniisip mo? Huwag. Pero sige. Sa dami-dami kong naririnig, sa dami-daming pagpapaliwanag, eh di dapat nakahanap nako ng solusyon. Tinatanggap ko lahat ng mga sinasabi ng iba, pinapakinggan ko lahat nang sinasabi ng iba, pero hanggang dun lang ba talaga ako? Doon lang ba ako magaling? Sa pakikinig? Bakit yun ang nararamdaman ko? Na puro isip at salita lang ako. Walang aksyon. Wag naman sana.

Grabe. Ang galing mo talaga. Amg galing mo umiwas. Ba't ka ba natatakot? Hindi ka naman ganyan dati eh. Ano ba. Umayos ka na. Wag ka na magreklamo at gawin mo na ang mga kailangan mong gawin. Dapat manggaling sa yo yan eh.

Punyeta. Dapat alam ko na to e. Wala akong excuse para di ko siya malaman. Pero bakit eto nararamdaman ko? Na parang ngayon lang ako nakaranas nito o na parang ngayon ko lang siya na-encounter sa buhay ko. Eh hindi naman eh. Ikaw dapat. Sa lahat ng tao, ikaw dapat ang nakakaalam kung ano dapat gawin. Hello! O ang feeling ko lang ba? Masyado ba akong feeling? Hay. Kung sinuman ang nakakabasa nito, pasensya na sa aking tagalog. Tama ba naman to? Na ipost ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayong araw na to. Bakit, ano bang masama sa emosyon? Ang importante lang naman ay kung ano ba gagawin mo sa mga emosyon na yun? Naks. Parang alam talaga kung ano sinasabi ko.

Wag na. Magbagong buhay ka na. Walang mapapala kung ganito ka lang. Okidoks? Shet. Lalong sumakit ulo ko.

just arrived home

2006-08-10T00:25:00.000+08:00

I just got home. As in I haven't stepped in my room yet and here I am on the pc typing away. I just came from Mel's house and had another marathon. The second season's starting to bore us. We want action!! Haha!

Today/yesterday was just not my day for jeeps. At all. For some reason, I've been having nothing but bad luck with jeeps today. The two jeeps on the way to andrew's house took forever to move. And all three jeeps on the way home tonight turned every corner/intersection into a terminal.

Have you checked out the night sky tonight? It's past 12am but it still looks as if there are stil a few minutes left til evening. It's insanely bright out and it actually looks quite nice. I ended taking my time walking to the house and unlocking the door. The good thing about it was for once, I didn't trip on my way to the door and I was able to see where I was going. Yipee!!

I dunno if I should classify my day as crap or not. Had a crap exam, for sure (tsk tsk tsk.. That's what happens when I do not study organic chem at all, knowing full well it was going to appear in the exam). I felt like crap for the two committees holding activities today. Things are definitely declining and I have no idea how to stop it or what to do about it. Years of experience (whether firsthand or secondhand) still hsan't taught me anything. Oh Lord.

Read a passage from Angels and Demons today while waiting for Mel to finish Christine's homework. It mentioned St. Francis' Prayer. Which of course I don't remember.

john mayer song number two

2006-08-07T20:17:00.000+08:00

mystupidmouthbyjohnmayer

my stupid mouth / has got me in trouble / i said too much again / to a date over dinner yesterday / and I could see / she was offended / she said "well anyway..." / just dying for a subject change // oh, it's another social casualty / score one more for me / how could I forget? / mama said "think before speaking" / no filter in my head / oh, what's a boy to do / i guess he better find one soon // we bit our lips / she looked out the window / rolling tiny balls of napkin paper / i played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker / and I could see clearly / an indelible line was drawn / between what was good / what just slipped out and what went wrong // oh, the way she feels about me has changed / thanks for playing, try again. / how could i forget? / mama said "think before speaking" / no filter in my head / oh, what's a boy to do / i guess he better find one / i'm never speaking up again / it only hurts me / i'd rather be a mystery / than she desert me // oh i'm never speaking up again / starting now // one more thing / why is it my fault? / so maybe i try too hard / but it's all because of this desire / i just wanna be liked / i just wanna be funny / looks like the joke's on me / so call me captain backfire // i'm never speaking up again / it only hurts me / i'd rather be a mystery / than she desert me // oh i'm never speaking up again / starting now //

pretend you're alive

2006-08-07T01:36:00.000+08:00

So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high, and pretend that you're alive again...

now, why would you do that?

2006-08-07T01:22:00.000+08:00

I wonder why I wanted to check that out in the first place. I can be impulsive about everything. Except this. Is that a good thing?

Mel and I finished season 1 of L word last friday night/saturday morning and we would have watched more of season 2 if enzo didn't wake up for the upcat and if mel didn't have to wake up at 7am.

We had one of our really long, conceited, oversharing, analytic conversations that only the two of us seem to understand. Funny how we can talk about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but still find something new or interesting to say about those things.

Prior to that, everything was just really messed up. Horrible results in my exams.. Plans not going according to plan... Gawsh. I have to find some way of un-messing up things. I can think of several ways actually, but really, would I want to be bored with my life again?

So here's to failing more exams and screwing all my plans. Here's to something spontaneous.

God, girl. You cannot be serious.

monday boredom

2006-08-02T22:13:00.000+08:00

more random doodles during ms 101..

Thanks to bry for introducing me to that song. :)

really?

2006-08-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

Urg.

i love it

2006-08-02T00:59:00.000+08:00

Just copying ally's and (currently-- hopefully) mel's favorite expression. Better day than normal. I had no 230 class today (yesterday actually, its almost 1am) so mel and I had our L word marathon. Nearly done with the first season. Although I pretty much know what's going to happen in the next few episodes (and seasons), shit, it's so different when you're actually watching it. After the GA in upsca, we ended up marathon-ing again. finished about 4 discs today. goodness...

;jaic;fmgka;gaoirgawqkomfea;'emda';fe'aeanglfm ba';pwekjawmjfap'jtr

funky

2006-07-30T19:07:00.000+08:00

I seriously have to get myself out of this current funk I'm in. Gawd. I'm so bored with my life. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. It's such a struggle to wake up for school and to stay awake in class. Heck, I even started cutting class cause I had nothing to do. Which is rarely the case. I usually have a reason for cutting class, stupid reasons they may be (like watching a movie or eating out or something), but I never cut for nothing. (haha, justifying my cutting classes :P) Org(s) life? Errrr... Hahahaha.

Oh well, at least Urbandub gave me some sort of high Friday night. 6 songs. And I finally heard them perform Frailty. Prefer the album version though. But good times with Urbandub and kay, jaimar, nikkiboi, jenks and ally (the urbandub virgin. haha)

C'mon. Light my fire, beybeh. Gimme some life. Gimme some excitement.

Ooooh. Kimi on pole for the German Grand Prix. Goodie. :) C'mon, Mclaren, don't screw up.

Before I forget, I said the wrong thing last Friday during evening praise. We were talking about fears and I said the usual: not meeting expectations, career, family, snore, snore. It hit me that it was losing my passion for life that scares me. I feel like my internal supply of drugs is running out or I'm just living with its side effects. Haha. That's a horrible analogy. But gawd, can life be any more stagnant? I need something spontaneous, exciting.

urbandub

2006-07-29T01:15:00.000+08:00

Happiness. :)

Urbandub concert in UP Bahay ng Alumni [plus other bands, but urbandub is urbandub) with jenks, ally, kay, nikki and jaimar. What a sight to see, seeing the whole crowd sway and move to first of summer. Kinda sucks how people only knew them now (the urbandub elitist in me is wanting to get out). but hay. oh well. such is life. and people get to hear what an amazing amazing group they are. Finally, after several urbandub encounters, this is the firs time I heard them play Frailty. Waiting for that for so long. So so long. Album version is better. But still. Frailty is frailty.

I swear, I get so hypnotized just watching them. I have this little world of my own with my jumps, screams and arm movements.

Ally's first time to watch u-dub. Wonder why. :P Kinda hard to imagine her in a rock concert but hey, it's all for her love of first of summer. Haha.

Juan Pablo Dream was so entertaining. First time I saw them perform. First time I heard them, actually. (Ok, now all you JPD elitists can bonk me on the head right about now.) I love lead singer's (faux) british accent. Haha, anything british I love. And demm. He can really move and groove.

Urg. Head gurts. Not making sense. Need sleep.

PS. Got an urbandub shirt too!! :D

i love stevie

2006-07-27T21:32:00.000+08:00

Because the insert picture option of blogger was kinda messed up the other day, I'll just post stevie's pic now.

unproductive

2006-07-25T20:31:00.000+08:00

I've had quite an unproductive weekend. And I'm so tempted to post all my nonsense on lj, but I shall resist. No reason to flood my friends' friends' page. So to you, my dear anonymous reader(s?), I shall provide you with an account of my past few days.

If productivity were measured in...
1. Finishing an 816 page book (The Historian) in a litle less than a day
2. Cataloguing all the songs of my previous (read: high school) compilations..
3. And taking note what songs I should download since the cds are starting to fall apart
4. Finding a really nice shot of Stevie Gerrard
5. Creating a backup for all my files (traumatic for your yahoo account to be hacked-- in addition to all those emails and memories, it also acts as my temporary file storage)
6. Trying on my different jackets to see what best suits this weather
7. Changing rooms and seating arrangements to accommodate my long reading hours...
8. Constantly doing neck and back exercises
9. Watching the growing crisis in the Middle East
10. Writing many pages in my journal (yes, in addition to lj and blogger, I have my handwritten journal. Jeez, I really must love reading my own words as opposed to actually speaking them)

..... Then I would have had a very productive day.

Spent the most part of my day realizing, though. Not very pleasant thoughts, now that I think about it. Durned book. I thought about how rarely I think of the future. The future meaning ten years from now. The most I can make out of my life as of now is me, five years from now. And even so, it isn't even a clear picture of who I am and what I want to be doing. All I know is, I'm studying. What, where, all those details are all a blur. I suppose this is a more optimistic note than the image I had for myself at twenty when I was 15 or less years old. Let's see, at twenty, I'd be dead. Now that's a cheerful thought. Teenage/high school angst mixed with unfortunate circumstances? Maybe. But we all went through our own stages of high school angst/bitterness/me-against-the-world sort of thing. At that time, could I ever have predicted a life of twenty like this?

And what life of twenty is this? Two decades of my life. Is this burnout I'm feeling? My detachment to everything that should be important to me. Insensitive. Desensitized. One of those. I've forgotten how to laugh, to cry, to be angry, to be ecstatic-- to truly feel emotions. To let myself FEEL. Looking back on these past ew months, I realized how my life has been so devoid of emotion. and how it's just been full of a passiveness that I don't recall I had in me. Of calmly accepting things. Of letting things control me. Of shrugging my shoulders at everything. Of straing blankly into space.

I'm still waiting for that baptism of rain like Natalie Portman's in V for Vendetta.

So here's to the twenty-something madness every twenty-something is feeling. But I'm not even twenty-something. My god, I just turned twenty.

Hah. I'm not making sense. There's a point here somewhere. Me thinks I should roganize my thoughts some more.

On a side note, I try so hard to run away from it, but damn, you're just a harder and faster runner.

high school musical!!

2006-07-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

Hehe, had nothing to do when I got home since my parents weren't home so I decided to go to Metrowalk. So tempting to splurge on dvds there pero may suki nako. *ahem, ahem * hahaha! Besides, they didn't have the dvds I was looking for, so I'll come back at a later time. I ended up buying just one dvd-- HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! Hahahaha!! At oh my lord, it's so juvenile, but it's so damn fun! It's pacute, exagg, cheesy, corny.. in short, it's the perfect guilty pleasure!

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Good thing Nina and I decided to go to the UPCAT tutorials even if we were insanely late for the afternoon session. My first time there in a loooong time. I had no idea what it was, but there was something about that place that brought so much peace. Staring at the clouds hanging over Montalban, leaning out the ledge of the 3rd floor, feeling the wind and the rain on your face made me all emo. [even that statement was emo.] So emo, I ended up texting whoever came to mind. So emo, I nearly cried just staring out. Who knew Payatas could give me so much peace? Haha. Loser.

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I hate how Sir Art is so intent on boring us all to death. The class is sports psychology and I swear, I cannot understand how he can make something as interesting as that be completely boring. Three hours every saturday is torture. How is it possible that psych can be boring? I have no idea how he does it.

Anyway... I found a new boredom buster that kept me company throughout the whole period. Blame the mean girls for leaving me with so little options. Anyway, I ended up doodling some stuff, which Ally ended up loving. (hmm, I wonder why. hahaha!) So ally baby, this is for you. :)

So here I am

2006-07-21T23:22:00.000+08:00

It's a Friday night and I'm home. Normally, I wouldn't be home this early, I'd still be out. Most likely drinking, yep, even if I've got class tomorrow.

So what brings me here on a Friday night? Who knows.

What's the point in all this screaming, no one's listening anyway..

I think I'll go to bed. Events of this day are catching up. Screw biochem. This is the first time I felt this h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e after taking an exam. I normally feel like crap when I get the results. But this, this is different. After about a week (or two) of finally deciding this is what I want to do with my life, I get a horrible reality check. Rude awakening, if you may. I mean, I definitely know I put a LOT of effort in studying for tis exam, which is a far cry from my usual study habits. Heck. I barely even have any study habits, so this is a step in the right direction. And I can't even give myself a pat on the back knowing I could at least be proud of myself for that, but it's just horrible, horrible to realize that I may not be cut out for this class or for this future. I know it's been a horrible week for a lot of people and I know people who've had it worse than me, but come on. Am i not allowed to feel horrible too? And I know I should be strong for them, but just leave me alone with what I'm feeling. Let me wallow in my misery.

I've got to get a grip on myself. And just hang on to something. Just give me something real to hold on to.

it's been a while

2006-07-15T23:36:00.000+08:00

Here's to sudden bouts of drowsiness/narcolepsy/whatnot these past few days that made me forget about everything I'm supposed to blog about. So now my thoughts are a muddled mess. And Nicole Kidman's hair in The Interpreter is not helping things.

Why is my playlist intent on playing all my oldies songs? I have yet to hear a song that was released during the 90s and onwards...

It's kind of funny how after 3 years of the same thing (more or less), it's only now that I've ever felt this lost and this alone. Something about being there in that situation kind of puts a lot of things in perspective. Come to think of it, what perspective am I talking about? I seem to have no perspective at all of what's been happening. Me being incompetent, Me lacking in self-confidence, me lacking trust in them, me being unable to get a grip on things inside, me being afraid of people seeing right through me, me being uncomfortable when God knows I shouldn't be.. God, who knows. And the thing is, I can't seem to pinpoint a particular thing. So strange.

There are times when I really wish I just didn't care. I wish I could go on with my life and not think about this. Not think about anyone, anything and just go on with my life. I've never been good at hanging on to things, yet after 3 years, here I am. Stuck here. C'mon, suck it up.

So there. In lots of vague sentences, that pretty much sums up what I've been feeling the past few weeks (and maybe months). But after a phone call, a lunch date and a homily... Let it be. Just relax. So this was what he was saying, how a homily always ends up giving us the answers when we're lost, when we're confused, when we need guidance.

That's not to say that things from now on will be simpler (when will they ever be?) or that things will change overnight.

Hm. I'm not quite sure how to end this entry. Let's just leave it hanging and wait and see.

new

2006-06-04T18:40:00.000+08:00

It's probably nothing (and I'm a fool for thinking it could be anything more), but how could nothing mean everything?

emo trip

2006-04-25T21:52:00.000+08:00

I've been listening to a lot of dashboard confessional lately. Not really because I want to, for some reason, the songs suddenly start playing.

What is it with me and trying to relate very song I hear to my life?

Your love is a fast song, and I'm dancing cause I'm in love with you..

not by dashboard, but it's playing now and it's making me giddy and happy. And really I have to stop being so pathetic and cheesy.

And there are so many things I want to say but I'm crap at writing.
My mind is going blank right now.