new worry

Here's something I've been thinking about the past few nights:

I want to graduate. The thought frightens me that with this downward spiral I'm in, things will get worse before they get better. Or I'll forget what it's like to have self-control and what sacrifice is. The past few months have left me taking the easy way out and how the smallest failure affects me so much, that I try to move past it and beyond, but I can't. A part of me still wonders whether I truly am over what happened last year, since by all outward appearances, I'm doing fine; I'm smiling again, I'm less stressed, I have more time for everyone, etc. But then I remember the Toni Gonzaga song and that maybe I should be singing its opposite: how can something so right be so wrong all along?

I'm going off track. Here's the thing: I'm scared I won't be able to graduate. I have nothing against people who delay-- a lot of my good friends I've made over the years in UP have extended their stay one way or another. I'm apprehensive that my delay will be caused by no apparent reason. Or simply because I just didn't feel like it. Or what the hell, I suddenly stopped caring. That just because my plans of graduating in four and a half years didn't push through, I just don't care anymore. Or just because I have no more life plan, that's it.

Speaking of, why did I give in so easily to my parents when they said I couldn't take med. Hello, I NEVER give in to my parents. I could've at least TRIED to take the NMAT, made some effort,i dunno, SOMETHING! But no, I just allowed it to happen that I would not take the NMAT or the LAE or something. And oh blah.

I don't want to go out in the real world. I want to stay where everything is safe and familiar, where I have so much freedom, where I know what's comfortable. Or better yet, I want to stay in the place where people know me and I know them-- know them that I can be intimate and whoever I want to be with them. Where else can I find that but in UP?

It scares me that I am slowly unraveling. That my determination over the past few years has just gone out the window. I know I'm not stupid, but why do I let myself become so? Why is it such a big deal to let people know your stupidity? When you know you're more than that. I'm better than this.

I have to learn how to get a grip on myself before I lose myself completely.

Life is good but scheduling is hell.

I want to go to explo climb but I have work.
I want to watch the CSC concert but I have work.

Why did I want to work again?

Oh yeah. Money. I need it. Gotta have fun weekends