funky

I seriously have to get myself out of this current funk I'm in. Gawd. I'm so bored with my life. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. It's such a struggle to wake up for school and to stay awake in class. Heck, I even started cutting class cause I had nothing to do. Which is rarely the case. I usually have a reason for cutting class, stupid reasons they may be (like watching a movie or eating out or something), but I never cut for nothing. (haha, justifying my cutting classes :P) Org(s) life? Errrr... Hahahaha.

Oh well, at least Urbandub gave me some sort of high Friday night. 6 songs. And I finally heard them perform Frailty. Prefer the album version though. But good times with Urbandub and kay, jaimar, nikkiboi, jenks and ally (the urbandub virgin. haha)

C'mon. Light my fire, beybeh. Gimme some life. Gimme some excitement.

Ooooh. Kimi on pole for the German Grand Prix. Goodie. :) C'mon, Mclaren, don't screw up.

Before I forget, I said the wrong thing last Friday during evening praise. We were talking about fears and I said the usual: not meeting expectations, career, family, snore, snore. It hit me that it was losing my passion for life that scares me. I feel like my internal supply of drugs is running out or I'm just living with its side effects. Haha. That's a horrible analogy. But gawd, can life be any more stagnant? I need something spontaneous, exciting.

urbandub

Happiness. :)

Urbandub concert in UP Bahay ng Alumni [plus other bands, but urbandub is urbandub) with jenks, ally, kay, nikki and jaimar. What a sight to see, seeing the whole crowd sway and move to first of summer. Kinda sucks how people only knew them now (the urbandub elitist in me is wanting to get out). but hay. oh well. such is life. and people get to hear what an amazing amazing group they are. Finally, after several urbandub encounters, this is the firs time I heard them play Frailty. Waiting for that for so long. So so long. Album version is better. But still. Frailty is frailty.

I swear, I get so hypnotized just watching them. I have this little world of my own with my jumps, screams and arm movements.

Ally's first time to watch u-dub. Wonder why. :P Kinda hard to imagine her in a rock concert but hey, it's all for her love of first of summer. Haha.

Juan Pablo Dream was so entertaining. First time I saw them perform. First time I heard them, actually. (Ok, now all you JPD elitists can bonk me on the head right about now.) I love lead singer's (faux) british accent. Haha, anything british I love. And demm. He can really move and groove.

Urg. Head gurts. Not making sense. Need sleep.

PS. Got an urbandub shirt too!! :D

i love stevie

Because the insert picture option of blogger was kinda messed up the other day, I'll just post stevie's pic now.

unproductive

I've had quite an unproductive weekend. And I'm so tempted to post all my nonsense on lj, but I shall resist. No reason to flood my friends' friends' page. So to you, my dear anonymous reader(s?), I shall provide you with an account of my past few days.

If productivity were measured in...
1. Finishing an 816 page book (The Historian) in a litle less than a day
2. Cataloguing all the songs of my previous (read: high school) compilations..
3. And taking note what songs I should download since the cds are starting to fall apart
4. Finding a really nice shot of Stevie Gerrard
5. Creating a backup for all my files (traumatic for your yahoo account to be hacked-- in addition to all those emails and memories, it also acts as my temporary file storage)
6. Trying on my different jackets to see what best suits this weather
7. Changing rooms and seating arrangements to accommodate my long reading hours...
8. Constantly doing neck and back exercises
9. Watching the growing crisis in the Middle East
10. Writing many pages in my journal (yes, in addition to lj and blogger, I have my handwritten journal. Jeez, I really must love reading my own words as opposed to actually speaking them)

..... Then I would have had a very productive day.

Spent the most part of my day realizing, though. Not very pleasant thoughts, now that I think about it. Durned book. I thought about how rarely I think of the future. The future meaning ten years from now. The most I can make out of my life as of now is me, five years from now. And even so, it isn't even a clear picture of who I am and what I want to be doing. All I know is, I'm studying. What, where, all those details are all a blur. I suppose this is a more optimistic note than the image I had for myself at twenty when I was 15 or less years old. Let's see, at twenty, I'd be dead. Now that's a cheerful thought. Teenage/high school angst mixed with unfortunate circumstances? Maybe. But we all went through our own stages of high school angst/bitterness/me-against-the-world sort of thing. At that time, could I ever have predicted a life of twenty like this?

And what life of twenty is this? Two decades of my life. Is this burnout I'm feeling? My detachment to everything that should be important to me. Insensitive. Desensitized. One of those. I've forgotten how to laugh, to cry, to be angry, to be ecstatic-- to truly feel emotions. To let myself FEEL. Looking back on these past ew months, I realized how my life has been so devoid of emotion. and how it's just been full of a passiveness that I don't recall I had in me. Of calmly accepting things. Of letting things control me. Of shrugging my shoulders at everything. Of straing blankly into space.

I'm still waiting for that baptism of rain like Natalie Portman's in V for Vendetta.

So here's to the twenty-something madness every twenty-something is feeling. But I'm not even twenty-something. My god, I just turned twenty.

Hah. I'm not making sense. There's a point here somewhere. Me thinks I should roganize my thoughts some more.

On a side note, I try so hard to run away from it, but damn, you're just a harder and faster runner.

high school musical!!

Hehe, had nothing to do when I got home since my parents weren't home so I decided to go to Metrowalk. So tempting to splurge on dvds there pero may suki nako. *ahem, ahem * hahaha! Besides, they didn't have the dvds I was looking for, so I'll come back at a later time. I ended up buying just one dvd-- HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! Hahahaha!! At oh my lord, it's so juvenile, but it's so damn fun! It's pacute, exagg, cheesy, corny.. in short, it's the perfect guilty pleasure!


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Good thing Nina and I decided to go to the UPCAT tutorials even if we were insanely late for the afternoon session. My first time there in a loooong time. I had no idea what it was, but there was something about that place that brought so much peace. Staring at the clouds hanging over Montalban, leaning out the ledge of the 3rd floor, feeling the wind and the rain on your face made me all emo. [even that statement was emo.] So emo, I ended up texting whoever came to mind. So emo, I nearly cried just staring out. Who knew Payatas could give me so much peace? Haha. Loser.

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I hate how Sir Art is so intent on boring us all to death. The class is sports psychology and I swear, I cannot understand how he can make something as interesting as that be completely boring. Three hours every saturday is torture. How is it possible that psych can be boring? I have no idea how he does it.

Anyway... I found a new boredom buster that kept me company throughout the whole period. Blame the mean girls for leaving me with so little options. Anyway, I ended up doodling some stuff, which Ally ended up loving. (hmm, I wonder why. hahaha!) So ally baby, this is for you. :)

So here I am

It's a Friday night and I'm home. Normally, I wouldn't be home this early, I'd still be out. Most likely drinking, yep, even if I've got class tomorrow.

So what brings me here on a Friday night? Who knows.

What's the point in all this screaming, no one's listening anyway..

I think I'll go to bed. Events of this day are catching up. Screw biochem. This is the first time I felt this h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e after taking an exam. I normally feel like crap when I get the results. But this, this is different. After about a week (or two) of finally deciding this is what I want to do with my life, I get a horrible reality check. Rude awakening, if you may. I mean, I definitely know I put a LOT of effort in studying for tis exam, which is a far cry from my usual study habits. Heck. I barely even have any study habits, so this is a step in the right direction. And I can't even give myself a pat on the back knowing I could at least be proud of myself for that, but it's just horrible, horrible to realize that I may not be cut out for this class or for this future. I know it's been a horrible week for a lot of people and I know people who've had it worse than me, but come on. Am i not allowed to feel horrible too? And I know I should be strong for them, but just leave me alone with what I'm feeling. Let me wallow in my misery.

I've got to get a grip on myself. And just hang on to something. Just give me something real to hold on to.

it's been a while

Here's to sudden bouts of drowsiness/narcolepsy/whatnot these past few days that made me forget about everything I'm supposed to blog about. So now my thoughts are a muddled mess. And Nicole Kidman's hair in The Interpreter is not helping things.

Why is my playlist intent on playing all my oldies songs? I have yet to hear a song that was released during the 90s and onwards...

It's kind of funny how after 3 years of the same thing (more or less), it's only now that I've ever felt this lost and this alone. Something about being there in that situation kind of puts a lot of things in perspective. Come to think of it, what perspective am I talking about? I seem to have no perspective at all of what's been happening. Me being incompetent, Me lacking in self-confidence, me lacking trust in them, me being unable to get a grip on things inside, me being afraid of people seeing right through me, me being uncomfortable when God knows I shouldn't be.. God, who knows. And the thing is, I can't seem to pinpoint a particular thing. So strange.

There are times when I really wish I just didn't care. I wish I could go on with my life and not think about this. Not think about anyone, anything and just go on with my life. I've never been good at hanging on to things, yet after 3 years, here I am. Stuck here. C'mon, suck it up.

So there. In lots of vague sentences, that pretty much sums up what I've been feeling the past few weeks (and maybe months). But after a phone call, a lunch date and a homily... Let it be. Just relax. So this was what he was saying, how a homily always ends up giving us the answers when we're lost, when we're confused, when we need guidance.

That's not to say that things from now on will be simpler (when will they ever be?) or that things will change overnight.

Hm. I'm not quite sure how to end this entry. Let's just leave it hanging and wait and see.