listen to this song
a plain morning-- dashboard confessional
It's yet to be determined
That the air is thick
And my hope is feeling worn
I'm missing home
And I'm glad you're not
A part of this
There's parts of me
That will be missed
And the phone is always
Dead to me
So I can't tell you
The temperature is dropping
And it feels like
It's colder than
It ought to be in March
And I've still got a day or two
Ahead of me
Til I'll be heading home
Into your arms again
And the people here are
Asking after you
It doesn't make it easier
It doesn't make it easier
To be away
I'd like to hire a plane
I'd see you in the morning
The day is fresh
I'm coming home again
I'm coming home again
I'm coming home again
When the day is fresh
I'm coming home again
But its warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July
There's pillows in their cases
And one of those is mine
She wrote the words
"I Love You"
And sprayed it with perfume
It's better than the fire is
To heat this lonely room
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July
It feels more like July
It's yet to be determined
But the air is thick
And my hope is feeling worn
I'm missing home
And I'm glad you're not
A part of this
There's parts of me
That will be missed
And the phone is always
Dead to me
So I can't tell you
The temperature is dropping
And it feels like
It's colder than
It ought to be in March
And I've still got a day or two
Ahead of me
Til I'll be heading home
Into your arms again
And the people here are
Asking after you
It doesn't make it easier
It doesn't make it easier
To be away
I'd like to hire a plane
I'd see you in the morning
The day is fresh
I'm coming home again
I'm coming home again
I'm coming home again
When the day is fresh
I'm coming home again
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
bawal
arrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.
I've got to stop this. I've got to stop thinking about you. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't be doing this. It doesn't feel right and it isn't right. But being with you, just for that moment in time, felt so right. I shouldn't have let myself get attached to you. I've avoided it for the past few years, what made me bring down my own defenses?
I gave you that chance. And i paid the price.
Looking for you, waiting to hear from you, waiting for that text, that smiley in YM that immediately brightens up, signalling you're online. It's not going to come and I don't even know why I bother looking for it.
Everything else, everyone else, has taken a backseat because of how you suddenly made a mess of my life. And how you suddenly turned my world upside-down.
And as always, as with all other stories of my life, it wouldn't matter. And you wouldn't know about its after effects and what you've done to me. And, like everything and everyone else, you wouldn't care.
One of the songs is playing. And I never associated this song with anything or anyone else. But after that, it's you I will remember.
Tonight, I'm supposed to be thinking about someone else. Tonight was supposed to be an ordinary night, thinking that tomorrow will be another normal day. But to be honest, I'm afraid of what tomorrow might bring. When I see you. When I've seen you a thousand times before, never once feeling half of what I'm feeling now. And I wouldn't know how to react. When i see you. When you see me.
Any sign of you and I go crazy.
God, what did you drug me with?
I've got to stop this. I've got to stop thinking about you. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't be doing this. It doesn't feel right and it isn't right. But being with you, just for that moment in time, felt so right. I shouldn't have let myself get attached to you. I've avoided it for the past few years, what made me bring down my own defenses?
I gave you that chance. And i paid the price.
Looking for you, waiting to hear from you, waiting for that text, that smiley in YM that immediately brightens up, signalling you're online. It's not going to come and I don't even know why I bother looking for it.
Everything else, everyone else, has taken a backseat because of how you suddenly made a mess of my life. And how you suddenly turned my world upside-down.
And as always, as with all other stories of my life, it wouldn't matter. And you wouldn't know about its after effects and what you've done to me. And, like everything and everyone else, you wouldn't care.
One of the songs is playing. And I never associated this song with anything or anyone else. But after that, it's you I will remember.
Tonight, I'm supposed to be thinking about someone else. Tonight was supposed to be an ordinary night, thinking that tomorrow will be another normal day. But to be honest, I'm afraid of what tomorrow might bring. When I see you. When I've seen you a thousand times before, never once feeling half of what I'm feeling now. And I wouldn't know how to react. When i see you. When you see me.
Any sign of you and I go crazy.
God, what did you drug me with?
Saturday, October 29, 2005
hangups
I was going through some old journals and old letters awhile ago-- letters and journals that date all the way back to my grade school and high school days.
Realization?
I have a tendency to push people away-- especially when they become too close.
Geez, am I still like that now?
I blame this all on the sisterhood of the traveling pants and all this shit that made me reminisce and realize. Life does go on, but you can never truly erase the memories of the past, no matter how hard you try to delete it from your memory. Sometimes, they just lie there and are instantly recalled by something as simple as a word, a picture, a song, anything. And once it's there, what do you do about it? Do you recall it instantly and embrace it, accepting that it's a part of who you are now? Or do you cringe at the very thought of it and drive it away from your memory, denying the fact that it exists?
Realization?
I have a tendency to push people away-- especially when they become too close.
Geez, am I still like that now?
I blame this all on the sisterhood of the traveling pants and all this shit that made me reminisce and realize. Life does go on, but you can never truly erase the memories of the past, no matter how hard you try to delete it from your memory. Sometimes, they just lie there and are instantly recalled by something as simple as a word, a picture, a song, anything. And once it's there, what do you do about it? Do you recall it instantly and embrace it, accepting that it's a part of who you are now? Or do you cringe at the very thought of it and drive it away from your memory, denying the fact that it exists?
Monday, October 24, 2005
real life but not really
"See, but most of the time, I just stumble and bumble along through my life... my very own pathetic existence. It seems like I know what I'm doing, but I don't. Really, I don't. The things I say, the things I do, they're there because it somehow makes perfect sense. I can't explain why they make sense, but at that moment in time that I actually say those things or do those things, they make sense. And that's how I live my life, you know. Don't praise me, don't patronize me for all my so-called-greatness because it's not there."
You stare at me with those eyes scrutinizing me wondering if I really am the person you got to know.
"More beer?" you ask.
"Yes, please."
You call the waiter to divert your attention to the things I just said. I continue to peel the label of my beer, like i always do, wondering if I said too much, wondering what you're wondering.
The waiter returns with the two bottles of our favorite beer. You take yours, take a sip, then comment that it's too warm. You call the waiter again, asking for a glass of ice. You turn back at me, ask if I want one too. No, thank you, I tell you, motioning to my other bottle of beer which still remains half-full.
You and I both look in opposite directions, still unsure of what to say or tell each other.
And there go the moments like this. When I feel like I'm getting too much to drink and the beer is travelling through my nervous, digestive and god-knows-what-else systems. And then I go reveal stuff about myself to you. Stuff that even I don't know about, but which the beer makes me say.
"What about you?" I finally ask.
You brighten up as if this is the question you've been waiting for. You talk about yourself and what's been going on lately, even though we've been through this already. Even though we're together almost everyday and I know every sordid detail of your life. And I smile, and I give you my piece on things, even though we both know what I'm going to say.
I finally start on the beer that you ordered so long ago, yours nearing the end of its life, while mine is just beginning. Or maybe it's the other way around. My existence just glossed over by the fact it was all a farce, that i really have no take on the grand scheme of things-- that my life has no grand scheme of things. Unlike yours, so full of hopes, so full of dreams. You have the methods to achieve these dreams but still there you stand, not willing to take that risk, even though all you could ever want is right there.
We both check our cellphone clocks simultaneously and realize that it's getting late and that we both should be heading home. I finish my beer rapidly, that feeling kicking in once again whenever I drink something too quickly, while you ask the waiter for the bill. We split the expenses as always, then exit as people slowly start to file in in what is the more appropriate "drinking time" but is considered late by our standards. I'm a bit woozy going down the stairs and you guide me, as always, like you've done so many times before.
I think about our conversation and so many others like it. Always shared over a bottle of beer and I think to myself why we are so incapable of saying things like these over our normal conversations. What is there to be afraid of? What is there to hide? Does the beer make things all the more easier to say? Does it make us less afraid? What do we have to fear from knowing all of this about ourselves? Are we afraid to show who we really are? That underneath all our trappings, we suddenly realize that we're not?
My thoughts are shaken as we reach the end of the stairs. We say our goodbyes as you head off in one direction, me in the other. I take a final glance at the place we've just come from and think of the conversations shared over all our bottles of beer. Then I take off towards my ride, trying to shake off the feeling of one who's had one beer too many.
You stare at me with those eyes scrutinizing me wondering if I really am the person you got to know.
"More beer?" you ask.
"Yes, please."
You call the waiter to divert your attention to the things I just said. I continue to peel the label of my beer, like i always do, wondering if I said too much, wondering what you're wondering.
The waiter returns with the two bottles of our favorite beer. You take yours, take a sip, then comment that it's too warm. You call the waiter again, asking for a glass of ice. You turn back at me, ask if I want one too. No, thank you, I tell you, motioning to my other bottle of beer which still remains half-full.
You and I both look in opposite directions, still unsure of what to say or tell each other.
And there go the moments like this. When I feel like I'm getting too much to drink and the beer is travelling through my nervous, digestive and god-knows-what-else systems. And then I go reveal stuff about myself to you. Stuff that even I don't know about, but which the beer makes me say.
"What about you?" I finally ask.
You brighten up as if this is the question you've been waiting for. You talk about yourself and what's been going on lately, even though we've been through this already. Even though we're together almost everyday and I know every sordid detail of your life. And I smile, and I give you my piece on things, even though we both know what I'm going to say.
I finally start on the beer that you ordered so long ago, yours nearing the end of its life, while mine is just beginning. Or maybe it's the other way around. My existence just glossed over by the fact it was all a farce, that i really have no take on the grand scheme of things-- that my life has no grand scheme of things. Unlike yours, so full of hopes, so full of dreams. You have the methods to achieve these dreams but still there you stand, not willing to take that risk, even though all you could ever want is right there.
We both check our cellphone clocks simultaneously and realize that it's getting late and that we both should be heading home. I finish my beer rapidly, that feeling kicking in once again whenever I drink something too quickly, while you ask the waiter for the bill. We split the expenses as always, then exit as people slowly start to file in in what is the more appropriate "drinking time" but is considered late by our standards. I'm a bit woozy going down the stairs and you guide me, as always, like you've done so many times before.
I think about our conversation and so many others like it. Always shared over a bottle of beer and I think to myself why we are so incapable of saying things like these over our normal conversations. What is there to be afraid of? What is there to hide? Does the beer make things all the more easier to say? Does it make us less afraid? What do we have to fear from knowing all of this about ourselves? Are we afraid to show who we really are? That underneath all our trappings, we suddenly realize that we're not?
My thoughts are shaken as we reach the end of the stairs. We say our goodbyes as you head off in one direction, me in the other. I take a final glance at the place we've just come from and think of the conversations shared over all our bottles of beer. Then I take off towards my ride, trying to shake off the feeling of one who's had one beer too many.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Saturday, September 03, 2005
not anymore
I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to go to bed each night thinking the same things, confused over the same things, debating with myself over the same things. It's just not right anymore. I hate trying to convince myself that eveything will be fine the next day.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh............................... i really don't need this right now.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh............................... i really don't need this right now.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
optimistic
after today's UPCAT review in E. Rondon High School, i have just come to the conclusion that i am too optimistic. I'm so optimistic about everything that even when shit happens right in front of me, I'll probably still find something good to say about it.
I can think of a thousand reasons why there's nothing wrong with being optimistic, then again, it can always work against me. I could just forget about the glaring reality of things and tell myself, "Everything will be alright in the end."
Cases in point (from today's upcat review):
... not enough members attended
... 50+ tokens to be finished in three hours
... students were restless
... tutors lost their patience so often
... supposedly solemn event backfired on us
... no answer key for english questionnaire
... repeating the same lesson over and over again
and my only comment: "I'm happy for the students. I'm hopeful for them."
God lei, could you be any more blind??
I can think of a thousand reasons why there's nothing wrong with being optimistic, then again, it can always work against me. I could just forget about the glaring reality of things and tell myself, "Everything will be alright in the end."
Cases in point (from today's upcat review):
... not enough members attended
... 50+ tokens to be finished in three hours
... students were restless
... tutors lost their patience so often
... supposedly solemn event backfired on us
... no answer key for english questionnaire
... repeating the same lesson over and over again
and my only comment: "I'm happy for the students. I'm hopeful for them."
God lei, could you be any more blind??
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Father JBoy's Homily
TRUE KINSHIP
This passage seems tragic: not Jesus' nearest or dearest relatives were rejected by Jesus, saying "my mother and brothers are those who do the will of my Father in heaven." However, we also see that Jesus' nearest and dearest relatives did not quite understand him. In John 7:5, we read that "Even his brothers did not believe in him" and in Mark 3:21, we encpunter that his friends tried to restrain him, for they said that he was mad. He seemed to them that Jesus was throwing his life away with what he was doing.
Nevertheless, Jesus presents to us a practical truth: that we actually find ourselves closer to people who do not belong to our kinsfolk. the reality is that sometimes the deepest friendships are not blood relationships. They are relationships with whoever connects to us: mind to mind, heart to heart. They are with people who share our common interests, common goals, common princicples, or those who complement them. Thus there are friends who like each other's company because they are of opposit poles. It is in sharing that they become kith and kin.
So today, let me present to you several themes and see who among your acquaintances-- or relatives for that matter-- fall under people who you consider kith and kin. What constitutes kith and kin?
1. Family background
My friend knows something about my family background. He has visited my home, knows some of my siblings, or just heard me talk about my childhood and adolescent years. He has some understanding of why I am the way I am.
Does my friend know my family history?
2. My current life situation
My friend knows what is going on in my life here and now, my joys and my struggles in living everyday life, my worries and what occupies my time.
Which among my friends are most familiar with my current life situation?
3. My innermost desires
My friend knows about my goals, directions and more importantly my desires as a person. As i share with him these desires, he is willing to offer encouragement, clarification and when necessary, challenge.
Which among my friends do i turn to when needing to share the deeper longings of my heart?
From St. Francis Xavier to St. Ignatius of Loyola: Your Holy Charity (Ignatius) writes to me of the great desires which you have to see me before you leave this life. God our Lord knows the impression which these words of great love made upon my soul and how many tears they cost me every time I remember them.
4. My negative feelings
With a friend, I am more willing to ventilate and share my negative feelings or doubts about a wide variety of matters. I feel "safe" in sharing such concerns and feelings.
Whom among my friends do I trust enough to freely share my negative feelings?
5. Wishing the good of the other
I genuinely wish the good of my friend. If his "good" means our separation geographically or even his departure from my barkada, then, even if it costs me personal pain, I wish it for him.
Do my actions and attitudes convey to my friend a genuine desire for what is best for him?
6. Challenge
I am more comfortable (as is my friend) when we do this with one another, since our life histories together grant permission for such mutual intrusion. To challenge one another for both of us to grow.
How comfortable am I with lovingly challenge and giving feedback as well as acepting challenge and feedback from my friend?
7. Positive feelings
The predominant feeling emanating from this friendship is positive: a friend stirs in my feelings of joy and gratitude. In turn, my positive feelings become my motivatiing factors that energize my endeavotrs, my studies and other relationships.
Do my positive feelings when experiencing this friendship leave me more grateful for my life?
8. Discreet silence
Just as we might know what to say to a friend, we also know what not to say. Part of friendship is an awareness of what need not be mentioned or discussed. This is totally different from the common notion that one becomes a friend unless one shares "everything" and "every little secret."
When with my friend, do I have an intuitive sense of what not to say as well as what to say? Do I abstain from raising certain issues that need not be mentioned at that time, and perhaps need best to postpone it some other time when my friend is ready for it?
9. Disclosing personal secrets
My friend knows things about my life that are reserved for a select few.
What do I share with my friend? Do I know him as well as I would like to? Are there areas that we avoid speaking about?
10. Spiritual life.
We engage in spiritual conversation, encourage one another to speak of matters that concern faith and the longings of our souls that include each other's spiritual struggles and desires. This friendship enriches my solitude, for it leads me to be more self-aware and creative about my life and desires.
With whom in my numerous friends can I share my spiritual life? How am I different now because of this friend of mine?
In sum, the notion of friendship is an extraordinarily rich one. Ultimately, they must be experienced and risked in the daily ins and outs of our lives, lives that incorporate and share our joys, hurts, hopes and sorrows of being human. There is a reason why Jesus calls us his friends, his "mother and brothers and sisters to him." St. Robert Southwell, SJ wrote as follows: "If you love a friend so much, if he or she is so attractive that everything he asks of you, you would agree to; and if it is so sweet to sit and talk with him, decribe your mishaps to him-- then with so much more trust should you betake yourself to God, the God of goodness, converse with him, show him your weakness and distress, for He has greater care of you that you have of yourself, indeed He is more intimately you than you are.
St. Robert Southwell, SJ, affirms that there is indeed something in our experience of friendship that brings us closer to the Lord, for every experience of friendship provides us with a taste of heaven-- just as Jesus said, "Whoever does the will of the Father is brother, sister and friend to me."
This passage seems tragic: not Jesus' nearest or dearest relatives were rejected by Jesus, saying "my mother and brothers are those who do the will of my Father in heaven." However, we also see that Jesus' nearest and dearest relatives did not quite understand him. In John 7:5, we read that "Even his brothers did not believe in him" and in Mark 3:21, we encpunter that his friends tried to restrain him, for they said that he was mad. He seemed to them that Jesus was throwing his life away with what he was doing.
Nevertheless, Jesus presents to us a practical truth: that we actually find ourselves closer to people who do not belong to our kinsfolk. the reality is that sometimes the deepest friendships are not blood relationships. They are relationships with whoever connects to us: mind to mind, heart to heart. They are with people who share our common interests, common goals, common princicples, or those who complement them. Thus there are friends who like each other's company because they are of opposit poles. It is in sharing that they become kith and kin.
So today, let me present to you several themes and see who among your acquaintances-- or relatives for that matter-- fall under people who you consider kith and kin. What constitutes kith and kin?
1. Family background
My friend knows something about my family background. He has visited my home, knows some of my siblings, or just heard me talk about my childhood and adolescent years. He has some understanding of why I am the way I am.
Does my friend know my family history?
2. My current life situation
My friend knows what is going on in my life here and now, my joys and my struggles in living everyday life, my worries and what occupies my time.
Which among my friends are most familiar with my current life situation?
3. My innermost desires
My friend knows about my goals, directions and more importantly my desires as a person. As i share with him these desires, he is willing to offer encouragement, clarification and when necessary, challenge.
Which among my friends do i turn to when needing to share the deeper longings of my heart?
From St. Francis Xavier to St. Ignatius of Loyola: Your Holy Charity (Ignatius) writes to me of the great desires which you have to see me before you leave this life. God our Lord knows the impression which these words of great love made upon my soul and how many tears they cost me every time I remember them.
4. My negative feelings
With a friend, I am more willing to ventilate and share my negative feelings or doubts about a wide variety of matters. I feel "safe" in sharing such concerns and feelings.
Whom among my friends do I trust enough to freely share my negative feelings?
5. Wishing the good of the other
I genuinely wish the good of my friend. If his "good" means our separation geographically or even his departure from my barkada, then, even if it costs me personal pain, I wish it for him.
Do my actions and attitudes convey to my friend a genuine desire for what is best for him?
6. Challenge
I am more comfortable (as is my friend) when we do this with one another, since our life histories together grant permission for such mutual intrusion. To challenge one another for both of us to grow.
How comfortable am I with lovingly challenge and giving feedback as well as acepting challenge and feedback from my friend?
7. Positive feelings
The predominant feeling emanating from this friendship is positive: a friend stirs in my feelings of joy and gratitude. In turn, my positive feelings become my motivatiing factors that energize my endeavotrs, my studies and other relationships.
Do my positive feelings when experiencing this friendship leave me more grateful for my life?
8. Discreet silence
Just as we might know what to say to a friend, we also know what not to say. Part of friendship is an awareness of what need not be mentioned or discussed. This is totally different from the common notion that one becomes a friend unless one shares "everything" and "every little secret."
When with my friend, do I have an intuitive sense of what not to say as well as what to say? Do I abstain from raising certain issues that need not be mentioned at that time, and perhaps need best to postpone it some other time when my friend is ready for it?
9. Disclosing personal secrets
My friend knows things about my life that are reserved for a select few.
What do I share with my friend? Do I know him as well as I would like to? Are there areas that we avoid speaking about?
10. Spiritual life.
We engage in spiritual conversation, encourage one another to speak of matters that concern faith and the longings of our souls that include each other's spiritual struggles and desires. This friendship enriches my solitude, for it leads me to be more self-aware and creative about my life and desires.
With whom in my numerous friends can I share my spiritual life? How am I different now because of this friend of mine?
In sum, the notion of friendship is an extraordinarily rich one. Ultimately, they must be experienced and risked in the daily ins and outs of our lives, lives that incorporate and share our joys, hurts, hopes and sorrows of being human. There is a reason why Jesus calls us his friends, his "mother and brothers and sisters to him." St. Robert Southwell, SJ wrote as follows: "If you love a friend so much, if he or she is so attractive that everything he asks of you, you would agree to; and if it is so sweet to sit and talk with him, decribe your mishaps to him-- then with so much more trust should you betake yourself to God, the God of goodness, converse with him, show him your weakness and distress, for He has greater care of you that you have of yourself, indeed He is more intimately you than you are.
St. Robert Southwell, SJ, affirms that there is indeed something in our experience of friendship that brings us closer to the Lord, for every experience of friendship provides us with a taste of heaven-- just as Jesus said, "Whoever does the will of the Father is brother, sister and friend to me."
Monday, July 18, 2005
and so it begins once again...
trying to pretend everything's ok when it's really not.. dammit. not at all.
trying
i'm taking full advantage of this night.. no homework, no exams, no projects. nada. why is it that i can only write about what i truly feel here? haha, no livejournal people to read this.
i really hate this feeling. every time i think i'm ok, it suddenly dawns on me that i'm really not.
random stuff that i really wanna say to.. whoever.
why can't i be happy for you? what do you need me for? why the hell do you stay?
especially for you what did you need me for? why did you have to do that and make me feel that way? did it even mean anything to you? i just want to know that one thing. that's it, then i can go on with my life.
i'm trying to understand why i've been feeling this way for the longest time. i think i'm pretty happy with life and how it's turning out. other than the fact that i think i'm probably failing chem, life is turning out to be pretty ok. so why all this unwanted stress, unnecessary feelings, repeated mood swings?
arrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh...
bahala na nga.
i really hate this feeling. every time i think i'm ok, it suddenly dawns on me that i'm really not.
random stuff that i really wanna say to.. whoever.
why can't i be happy for you? what do you need me for? why the hell do you stay?
especially for you what did you need me for? why did you have to do that and make me feel that way? did it even mean anything to you? i just want to know that one thing. that's it, then i can go on with my life.
i'm trying to understand why i've been feeling this way for the longest time. i think i'm pretty happy with life and how it's turning out. other than the fact that i think i'm probably failing chem, life is turning out to be pretty ok. so why all this unwanted stress, unnecessary feelings, repeated mood swings?
arrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh...
bahala na nga.
Monday, June 27, 2005
i love urbandub!!
keep crying for you,
keep trying for you,
keep flying for you,
keep flying for you....
i'm falling.....
keep trying for you,
keep flying for you,
keep flying for you....
i'm falling.....
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
strangely fuzzy
my senses have been on sensory overload these past few days...
well, technically, not really. my surroundings have been so fuzzy these past few days.
crap. this is a really shitty entry. not for lack of inspiration, definitely. not enough words in my head i guess.
well, technically, not really. my surroundings have been so fuzzy these past few days.
crap. this is a really shitty entry. not for lack of inspiration, definitely. not enough words in my head i guess.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
bagyo blues
...i wanted to tell you how i scrubbed and waxed the entire floor of the tambs (mostly) on my own.
...i wanted to tell you how black and muddy my arms were from making piga all the basahans
...i wanted to tell you how we spent 2 hours in the tambayan turning children's stories into sex stories
...i wanted to tell you how we ran to anna's crv in the pouring rain
...i wanted to tell you how we spent 2 hours in katipunan
...i wanted to tell you how we sang along like crazy to spice girls' songs
...i wanted to tell you how i ran across katips looking for food, only to forget my wallet in the car.
...i wanted to tell you how i banged on kale's window after getting off anna's car with a payong in one hand, my pants sleeved rolled up and my havaianas all black and muddy.
...i wanted to tell you how i ran from the car stationed in front of rustan's to yellow cab to order four seasons pizza.
...i wanted to tell you how i got the pizza and coke just in time that the car was directly in front of yellow cab already
...i wanted to tell you how i played patintero with the cars in katipunan to get to anna's car.
...i wanted to tell you how anna's helper recognized me and my role from this year's PAPURI.
...i wanted to tell you how anna and i spent 15 minutes trying to figure out what your text saying "kelthog now" meant, only to decipher it right when you arrived.
...i wanted to tell you about anna's dad's watercolor paintings.
...i wanted to tell you about caramel cake and semi-sweet chocolate chip movie packs.
but no. the first thing you had to say to me was "ba't mo nakalimutan payong mo?!" and everything went downhill from there.
...i wanted to tell you how black and muddy my arms were from making piga all the basahans
...i wanted to tell you how we spent 2 hours in the tambayan turning children's stories into sex stories
...i wanted to tell you how we ran to anna's crv in the pouring rain
...i wanted to tell you how we spent 2 hours in katipunan
...i wanted to tell you how we sang along like crazy to spice girls' songs
...i wanted to tell you how i ran across katips looking for food, only to forget my wallet in the car.
...i wanted to tell you how i banged on kale's window after getting off anna's car with a payong in one hand, my pants sleeved rolled up and my havaianas all black and muddy.
...i wanted to tell you how i ran from the car stationed in front of rustan's to yellow cab to order four seasons pizza.
...i wanted to tell you how i got the pizza and coke just in time that the car was directly in front of yellow cab already
...i wanted to tell you how i played patintero with the cars in katipunan to get to anna's car.
...i wanted to tell you how anna's helper recognized me and my role from this year's PAPURI.
...i wanted to tell you how anna and i spent 15 minutes trying to figure out what your text saying "kelthog now" meant, only to decipher it right when you arrived.
...i wanted to tell you about anna's dad's watercolor paintings.
...i wanted to tell you about caramel cake and semi-sweet chocolate chip movie packs.
but no. the first thing you had to say to me was "ba't mo nakalimutan payong mo?!" and everything went downhill from there.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
because i know you won't read this part 2
because i definitely know you won't read this again...
thank you. i don't think i can ever thank you enough. i'm not good at expressing what or how i feel, and if ever, you would probably just make fun of me. :)
thank you. i don't think i can ever thank you enough. i'm not good at expressing what or how i feel, and if ever, you would probably just make fun of me. :)
feminine hygiene
disclaimer: only for those who are familiar with the workings of the female reproductive system
this day would have been perfect-- no debate, _______ and ______ winning the amazing race (whee! :P), chocolate peanut butter m&m's bar, lunch at likha diwa, can this be love, all the red sox goodies, etc. etc.
but then this had to happen. this. this freaking time of the month.
and guess what. no one, as in no one, had any napkins at home. not yayen, not yaya nene and my emergency stash was gone. probably used for emergencies, hehe.
so i texted my brother. i asked him to buy me 2 sets of moddesses-- the overnight ones and the regular ones.
his reply: "um... ok.. 1 piece or 1 pack?"
doh!
so i told him 1 pack for both. then he texted again.
"lei, walang overnights. all nighters lang.... or parehas lang ba yun?"
ahahahaha!
ok. he just called me. "hey, dysmenorrhea girl... *grumble, grumble* um, i'll be home late pa.. mga 930 or 10 pa.. ok lang?"
"yup!"
"bakit? umaagos na ba?"
"heh! gago!"
i love my brother. who else would be willing to buy sets of feminine napkins for his little sister? what kind of guy would be want to do that? hehe, naiimagine ko na reaction niya. :)
[pugadeeers, please don't tell this to lio. baka lalo pang lumaki yung ulo niya. :)]
this day would have been perfect-- no debate, _______ and ______ winning the amazing race (whee! :P), chocolate peanut butter m&m's bar, lunch at likha diwa, can this be love, all the red sox goodies, etc. etc.
but then this had to happen. this. this freaking time of the month.
and guess what. no one, as in no one, had any napkins at home. not yayen, not yaya nene and my emergency stash was gone. probably used for emergencies, hehe.
so i texted my brother. i asked him to buy me 2 sets of moddesses-- the overnight ones and the regular ones.
his reply: "um... ok.. 1 piece or 1 pack?"
doh!
so i told him 1 pack for both. then he texted again.
"lei, walang overnights. all nighters lang.... or parehas lang ba yun?"
ahahahaha!
ok. he just called me. "hey, dysmenorrhea girl... *grumble, grumble* um, i'll be home late pa.. mga 930 or 10 pa.. ok lang?"
"yup!"
"bakit? umaagos na ba?"
"heh! gago!"
i love my brother. who else would be willing to buy sets of feminine napkins for his little sister? what kind of guy would be want to do that? hehe, naiimagine ko na reaction niya. :)
[pugadeeers, please don't tell this to lio. baka lalo pang lumaki yung ulo niya. :)]
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
this is killing me.
bakit ganito?
i just spent the whole day with my favoritest people in the world--
pugad,
tong,
ally,
jenks.
ongapala, salamat friends. :D
pero pag-uwi ko, parang walang nangyari.
:(
i just spent the whole day with my favoritest people in the world--
pugad,
tong,
ally,
jenks.
ongapala, salamat friends. :D
pero pag-uwi ko, parang walang nangyari.
:(
Monday, April 18, 2005
urban dub
Well tonight I’m feeling emotional
Lonely here tonight
It’s not helping me at all.
It doesn’t make it better that you’re gone
It doesn’t ease the pain at all
That you’re gone.
Lonely here tonight
It’s not helping me at all.
It doesn’t make it better that you’re gone
It doesn’t ease the pain at all
That you’re gone.
Friday, April 15, 2005
defense mechanism
i have this tendency to be extremely vague in my blogs/online journals (yep, both of them). i rarely include details, everything is mostly feelings or emotions or immediate reactions.
why is that?
i thought about it. maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism.
But the thing is, defending myself from what?
why is that?
i thought about it. maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism.
But the thing is, defending myself from what?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
one of those days
it's one of those days...
...that you just feel confused
...that you don't know what to do
...that nothing makes sense anymore
...that you wonder, "What am i getting myself into?"
...that you start to feel all the consequences of your actions
...that you feel like shit, but don't know why
...that you feel helpless because you can't do anything about it
...that you wish THAT day would never come
...that you feel useless
...that you're not quite sure what's real anymore
...that not even music can make you feel good anymore
...that
...that i'm writing nonsense here.
...that you just feel confused
...that you don't know what to do
...that nothing makes sense anymore
...that you wonder, "What am i getting myself into?"
...that you start to feel all the consequences of your actions
...that you feel like shit, but don't know why
...that you feel helpless because you can't do anything about it
...that you wish THAT day would never come
...that you feel useless
...that you're not quite sure what's real anymore
...that not even music can make you feel good anymore
...that
...that i'm writing nonsense here.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
early tuesday morning
i opened you because i thought i had something meaningful to say. Something worth writing, something worth sharing.
Oh well, apparently not.
I was thinking, don't we waste other people's time when we call them up or talk to them basically just to say "hi." Or if they ask why you called, you say "wala lang." Doesn't that waste a few seconds of their day? And isn't life too short to be wasted on a few precious seconds?
Oh well, apparently not.
I was thinking, don't we waste other people's time when we call them up or talk to them basically just to say "hi." Or if they ask why you called, you say "wala lang." Doesn't that waste a few seconds of their day? And isn't life too short to be wasted on a few precious seconds?
Friday, April 01, 2005
coffee
I just realized something... After all these years of pulling all-nighters cramming for exams or projects or whatever, I have yet to make a really good cup of coffee. Or even a decent one for that matter.
Tonight, my concoction tastes like sugar with added brown stuff for (slightly) more flavor.
What does yours taste like?
Tonight, my concoction tastes like sugar with added brown stuff for (slightly) more flavor.
What does yours taste like?
Monday, March 28, 2005
akap
Last Saturday, i saw the akap video of imago. Great great video from a great band.
I have mixed emotions now that the video is out. You know how it is when there's a song you truly TRULY love that you just want to call it your own? And yeah, it's ok when a few people know about it, like just the die-hards and stuff, and you know it won't make it to the top of any hitlist of any radio show. And it's ok that 1721 members of imago's mailing list know that song. But then when they start playing it on myx or on the radio, then you know you're in big trouble cause now everyone knows that song. forgive my ignorance if akap's already hit the airwaves, i am so out of the radio loop. And it sucks cause it's supposed to be your song. Just YOUR song. And while it's good that Pinoy rock is being exposed more and people get to hear and see what a great band imago really is, it's sad because then it ceases to be YOUR song. And it becomes everyone else's song. Unlike in the UP fair when only 1/4 of the crowd was singing akap, now everyone's gonna start singing it. And then it will turn into another "wag na wag mong sasabihin". and the WHOLE philippines will sing it and they'll be making covers of it in noontime variety shows.
...when it's just supposed to be your song.
hehe. selfish and musical elitist me.
I have mixed emotions now that the video is out. You know how it is when there's a song you truly TRULY love that you just want to call it your own? And yeah, it's ok when a few people know about it, like just the die-hards and stuff, and you know it won't make it to the top of any hitlist of any radio show. And it's ok that 1721 members of imago's mailing list know that song. But then when they start playing it on myx or on the radio, then you know you're in big trouble cause now everyone knows that song. forgive my ignorance if akap's already hit the airwaves, i am so out of the radio loop. And it sucks cause it's supposed to be your song. Just YOUR song. And while it's good that Pinoy rock is being exposed more and people get to hear and see what a great band imago really is, it's sad because then it ceases to be YOUR song. And it becomes everyone else's song. Unlike in the UP fair when only 1/4 of the crowd was singing akap, now everyone's gonna start singing it. And then it will turn into another "wag na wag mong sasabihin". and the WHOLE philippines will sing it and they'll be making covers of it in noontime variety shows.
...when it's just supposed to be your song.
hehe. selfish and musical elitist me.
Friday, March 25, 2005
holy week part 2
to continue with my holy week posts (on account of the fact that i have nothing to do this holy week), i still get amazed whenever i go to Mass in ua&p. It always serves as some sort of function/meeting place of anyone involved with Opus Dei. Not that it's a bad thing. I see people from my past whom i haven't seen in forever suddenly pop up in the seats in fron of my family. My old busmates are there, my retreat-mates are there, my fellow campers are there, my high school friends-- everyone.
It's strange; when i was younger i used to complain that i never saw enough of my friends, esecially come Holy Week since they're all in Alabang or abroad. Yet wheni saw them in mass, amazingly enough, I didn't complain that i don't get to see them as often anymore. In fact, i was more thankful-- because of that. That simple reason that i got to see them. Even if it just mean a simple hi, hello or beso on the cheek. Does that mean I'm growing up or did i just come to realize that I can't do anything about the relationships i have? Or do those two things mean the same?
But it does suck though. That sometimes you have no control over the relationships you have with the people in your life. Or are relationships controllable?
It's strange; when i was younger i used to complain that i never saw enough of my friends, esecially come Holy Week since they're all in Alabang or abroad. Yet wheni saw them in mass, amazingly enough, I didn't complain that i don't get to see them as often anymore. In fact, i was more thankful-- because of that. That simple reason that i got to see them. Even if it just mean a simple hi, hello or beso on the cheek. Does that mean I'm growing up or did i just come to realize that I can't do anything about the relationships i have? Or do those two things mean the same?
But it does suck though. That sometimes you have no control over the relationships you have with the people in your life. Or are relationships controllable?
holy week
just a question. Why don't people go to Mass on Good Friday? I mean, other than the fact that it's not required. And apparently in some churches, they don't celebrate Good Friday mass at all. Why is that? i was talking to my friend a while ago over the phone and she was shocked when she received my text that i just came from Mass. i was shocked because she didn't. I just found out today that Good Friday mass isn't celebrated in all churches. She found out that I go to mass on Good Friday. Wonder who was more shocked.
I mean, is that an Opus Dei thing or something?
Another thing i noticed after going to mass in ua&p, during the Ama Namin no one raises there hand and holds hands with whoever's beside them. Why is that?
One more thing,during holy communion, hardly anybody receives the host in their hands. They just open their mouths and take the host in. And yup, this happened even during the sars scare. Why is that?
Is it an Opus Dei thing or just me suddenly becoming observant?
I mean, is that an Opus Dei thing or something?
Another thing i noticed after going to mass in ua&p, during the Ama Namin no one raises there hand and holds hands with whoever's beside them. Why is that?
One more thing,during holy communion, hardly anybody receives the host in their hands. They just open their mouths and take the host in. And yup, this happened even during the sars scare. Why is that?
Is it an Opus Dei thing or just me suddenly becoming observant?
Sunday, March 20, 2005
profundity
i was going through some of my friends' journals a while ago when it suddenly hit me: i seem to have lost all of my insights and turned into some sort of shallow monster. all my thoughts, all that deep shit, all those great words-- damn. they've failed me.
Monday, March 14, 2005
mean girls
Why is it that we always end up being the people we never want to be?
When we entered college, we always disassociated ourselves from them. Them who were immature, them who gave the college a bad name, them who acted like they were still in high school. We promised ourselves, while hanging out at the parking lot, that no, we would never be like them. We were different, we were better.
But in light of what's been happening these past few months, i feel like we're turning exactly into them. And in some cases, worse.
Of course we never meant for things to turn out that way. Hell, we were perfectly happy with each other. I mean after years of not having a barkada, here i was with one to call my own. But things happen. And things change. And pretty soon, it's as if we all evolved into the Mean Girls of our college. Mean Girls without the minis, the burn book, and in my case, the cleavage, but Mean Girls nonetheless.
I reason out with myself that no, she's the Regina George. She's the one making us all turn into Mean Girls. She's the reason why things have escalated to this point. But while she may be the Regina George, we're the Cady Herons. We sure as hell did our part in making sure things got worse.
I tried to buy my way out. I tried to convince myself that i didn't care what she said about me, I'm not one of her usual targets anyway. But we're all in this together, right? She says something bad, i find out about it, i say it to someone else-- and it just keeps on getting worse. It's like high school all over again.
You never want to be the people you hate to be. But sometimes, things just turn out that way.
and then you wonder, you just fucking wonder, how do you undo it?
When we entered college, we always disassociated ourselves from them. Them who were immature, them who gave the college a bad name, them who acted like they were still in high school. We promised ourselves, while hanging out at the parking lot, that no, we would never be like them. We were different, we were better.
But in light of what's been happening these past few months, i feel like we're turning exactly into them. And in some cases, worse.
Of course we never meant for things to turn out that way. Hell, we were perfectly happy with each other. I mean after years of not having a barkada, here i was with one to call my own. But things happen. And things change. And pretty soon, it's as if we all evolved into the Mean Girls of our college. Mean Girls without the minis, the burn book, and in my case, the cleavage, but Mean Girls nonetheless.
I reason out with myself that no, she's the Regina George. She's the one making us all turn into Mean Girls. She's the reason why things have escalated to this point. But while she may be the Regina George, we're the Cady Herons. We sure as hell did our part in making sure things got worse.
I tried to buy my way out. I tried to convince myself that i didn't care what she said about me, I'm not one of her usual targets anyway. But we're all in this together, right? She says something bad, i find out about it, i say it to someone else-- and it just keeps on getting worse. It's like high school all over again.
You never want to be the people you hate to be. But sometimes, things just turn out that way.
and then you wonder, you just fucking wonder, how do you undo it?
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
just say "no."
i remember watching tv when i was younger and cartoon "fillers" would pop out between shows. One of my favorite little fillers (because of its' catchy opening song) was something entitled "Just say no." I think it was meant to show the importance of saying "no" for children (or anyone else, for that matter).
I wonder, why can't i say no?
Why is it that whenever i say "yes" to please people, others get hurt? i mean, isn't there one possible way to please everyone?
I wonder, why can't i say no?
Why is it that whenever i say "yes" to please people, others get hurt? i mean, isn't there one possible way to please everyone?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
"angsty-misunderstood"
i have spent the better part of the last two hours on the net. it's late at night and i should be sleeping. But no, the internet is too addicting. I've spent the past two hours downloading music, reading everyone's livejournals, friendsters, and friendster posts. While going through all that, it suddenly hit me.
is my life really this shallow?
seriously. i tried not to post anything that would make me look like an "angsty-misunderstood" teen but damn it, it's so hard to avoid.
i will try to avoid that topic.
dammit. i wish imesh would download faster.
is my life really this shallow?
seriously. i tried not to post anything that would make me look like an "angsty-misunderstood" teen but damn it, it's so hard to avoid.
i will try to avoid that topic.
dammit. i wish imesh would download faster.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
bisaya
i am so in the mood to rediscover my bisaya roots. Apparently, after 18 years of Tagalog and English being spoken around the house and such, i suddenly find out how fluent my mom still is in Waray, or the Visayan dialect. it was my lolo's birthday today, the brother of lola naty and we had a dinner party in his house. Amazing. It felt like the entire Catbalogan was there. Then again, it probably was. Right now, all i want to do is just take a road trip around the Philippines and rediscover my places of childhood-- iloilo, catbalogan, la union, bicol, batangas, etc.
damn. basta, sobrang enjoy talaga , learning about my mom's family history and ll their culture and stuff.
damn. basta, sobrang enjoy talaga , learning about my mom's family history and ll their culture and stuff.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
oh my...
right now, a million curse words are running through my head....
why is it that every time you want to do something right, it just never turns out that way? what more do you have to do?
why is it that every time you want to do something right, it just never turns out that way? what more do you have to do?
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
blogger
ang astig ng blogger. when you go to someone's blog, this button appears at the top, saying "NEXT BLOG." human beings are so quirky. i came across this blog whose owner seems to know everything about pop culture. she posted pics from the recent golden globes and commented about what everyone was wearing. there was this other blog about a german living in calif so all his posts were in german. but here's the winnner: a blog dedicated to different hairstyles. shit! panalo!
because i know you won't read this...
why is it that for all the shit i do, i've done and will forever do, you're still here?
so for lack of something witty to say, thank you, dear friend. thank you.
so for lack of something witty to say, thank you, dear friend. thank you.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
tsunamis
I felt such a huge pang of guilt today after watching how the other countries "celebrated" their new year. The ones that were affected by the tsunamis (and even the ones that weren't) all held solemn vigils or had a day of mourning. While us? We chose to celebrate the new year the way we always do: light up the firewroks and scream our heads off. Head off to the Fort, Makati, Eastwood, Roxas and countdown until the new year. Join GMA 7's Jive to '05 or attend the one in Makati. We are a tactless nation, aren't we?
But somehow after i felt that pang of guilt, it suddenly hit me.
Maybe it wasn't because we Filipinos are insensitive (I, for one, refuse to believe that) or that we didn't care about the rest of the world, or South Asia for that matter. Maybe the fireworks last night were a sigh of relief. A sigh of relief for our country who only a month ago was itself ravaged by typhoons. A sigh of relief that, hey, finally, a natural calamity did not strike us. I’m not saying that our nation is gloating over our fellow Asian neighbors, I’m just saying what would have happened if we were hit? Geez, we are a nation surrounded by islands and water, go figure.
Based on my experience volunteering for the typhoon victims, God, we barely had enough to provide for those victims. Despite the continuous flow of donations and the way everyone worked tirelessly day and night, they still were not enough to provide for the victims and the missing. What more if the killer tsunamis hit us?
What would have happened if we were hit? Would we have to keep crying for the dead, the missing—all of our kababayans and the tourists? Although it would have been an effective way to control the population… Kidding aside though, if we were hit, will this never end?
I think it's not that we Filipinos did NOT care about what was happening to the rest of the world. I believe that for all the fireworks, all the explosions, all the smoke last night was one collective sigh of relief for our nation.
Now if someone can find a way to get me to Banda Aceh or Phuket, shet, I would really love to help.
But somehow after i felt that pang of guilt, it suddenly hit me.
Maybe it wasn't because we Filipinos are insensitive (I, for one, refuse to believe that) or that we didn't care about the rest of the world, or South Asia for that matter. Maybe the fireworks last night were a sigh of relief. A sigh of relief for our country who only a month ago was itself ravaged by typhoons. A sigh of relief that, hey, finally, a natural calamity did not strike us. I’m not saying that our nation is gloating over our fellow Asian neighbors, I’m just saying what would have happened if we were hit? Geez, we are a nation surrounded by islands and water, go figure.
Based on my experience volunteering for the typhoon victims, God, we barely had enough to provide for those victims. Despite the continuous flow of donations and the way everyone worked tirelessly day and night, they still were not enough to provide for the victims and the missing. What more if the killer tsunamis hit us?
What would have happened if we were hit? Would we have to keep crying for the dead, the missing—all of our kababayans and the tourists? Although it would have been an effective way to control the population… Kidding aside though, if we were hit, will this never end?
I think it's not that we Filipinos did NOT care about what was happening to the rest of the world. I believe that for all the fireworks, all the explosions, all the smoke last night was one collective sigh of relief for our nation.
Now if someone can find a way to get me to Banda Aceh or Phuket, shet, I would really love to help.
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