well aren't we two depressed people?

it's not what it is

this is turning out worse than i expected.

with so many people to love in my life, why do i worry about one?

that pretty much sums it up but it's not what it may seem to be.

one step forward, two steps backward

I nearly ended up writing 2 steps behind until i remembered that's a song. Uh yeah. Right.

In roughly a couple of weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to my fourth year life. I'll be saying goodbye to a lot of things actually. After four years, friends who I made in my first year of college (aka co-freshies, sophies in five year courses) are all leaving. Wow. Heavy drama. Fine. They'll be graduating. And moving on to the great unknown called the workplace. And I'll be saying goodbye to the familiarity, to the things I was so used to. And there it is. Effin change.

Back to the subject. That pretty much sums it up, I guess. And I try to think of something this year that i did that was worthwhile or worth recognizing and ho hum..

Father Jboy and Bro Bros said we were all put there for a reason, that we were never placed there if God didn't have a plan for us in the first place. I'm not questioning God and His plans (well, ok, fine, I am) but it is beyond understanding. Or at least my level of understanding. What have i realized? It was a truly humbling experience and something I don't think I will ever look back with much enthusiasm. But how that realization helps others or the world is beyond me. It's all been one selfish ploy. that's what this whole year has been about.

Haha. I'm being overly dramatic, aren't I?

And my lj is so overly pretentious. I hate myself there. While this is overly dramatic. I hate myself here too.

Or maybe because it's 4am?

calm

If this is the calm before the storm, wonder what the storm will bring. There are so many things to worry about, yet i refuse to worry about them. Why is that? Why am i always so afraid? Why?

There are days when going through two orgs just drains the life out of me-- either with all the activities, or all the politics, or all the fun, or all not mentioned. But today was a day when I welcomed that draining energy. Because it was all worth it. Laughing with everyone, being MYSELF, being accepted. Seeing all that positive reaction-- it's all good, baby.

Miting de avance in pugad and papuri FA in upsca.

I'm so proud of those running in pugad. I know that the org will be in good hands. And I'm thankful for the current execom for instilling in those running that pugad passion.

FA in upsca. It is such a blessing to hear those voices singing in Delaney Hall. "Seasons of love," "for the beauty" and "love is the answer" it just sends me on another dimension. And then the responsiveness of the people there. Seeing them smile and laugh.

Seriously, when you notice those little things, it makes all the difference. It gives you something to look forward to once again.

amazing race asia 2

Silly me, I ended up downloading the forms for the amazing race asia 2 until I remembered, oh yeah, I'm still twenty.

Sorry, babe. I know you want to join this, but looks like we gotta wait for another year. Crap. Haha! But think of it this way: imagine if we got in, what a grad gift that would be! Haha!

seventeen magazines and change

I really should learn how to be more productive. And not wait til the absolute last minute before I start working.

My sister brought home the March issue of Seventeen today and was recommending me to read it. i was going to, but I was in the middle of Candy. She goes, "Lei, it's a nice issue! There are even tips on cramming inside!"

To which I reply, "Ate, I don't need tips."

There is effort on my part to try and change, you know. But it's just so darn hard when you're so used to what you have and you know that for the longest time, even though it hasn't given you the best results, it hasn't failed either. In other words, if it ain't broke, why fix it?

And this trying to change things, I wish it carries over to ALL aspects of my life, but for some reason, it just stays where it is. Which is kind of sad cause you know, I really do recognize the need to change just so everything else will be more stable.

hair, bangs and me. why again?

This is a very un-me entry. Read: kikay. Although you would find hints of me in this entry, thus remembering oh yes, it's still me writing this. Read: self-obsessed.

I had my hair cut today. It's um.. Something normal, for a change. But i'm still trying to figure out what it's supposed to be or how I'm supposed to fix it. It's short, which is what I wanted and layered enough, which is also what I wanted, but it ends there. I think I'm going to regret getting those darned bangs because knowing me, I would never even bother trying to fix those bangs. I would not even ATTEMPT to fix them. And here I was, trying to convince myself that I would fix them on a regular basis, just so I can have some sort of control over my hair. But just a few hours after, I get tired just thinking about them. And not to mention that my forehead is starting to break out (whaaattt?? here's to conceited-ness but I never break out :P)

I just realized the bangs play a major part of what my hair is supposed to look like. Part it one side, wow, automatic girly-ness. Part it on the other, I look like a screamo kid/boy. Wow! Instant androgyny! Which was what I wanted to avoid when i decided to get my hair cut.

I really should have just waited and saved up to have my hair curled. Haha.

But if this keeps up, I am definitely getting that mohawk.

cssp sc chair elections

how weird is it that I forgot to mention the freshies in that previous post? But, hey, them too! picoy, mon, ruby, mario, jana, dior, junie, jb.... Them.

It is such a scary thought. I know I can do so much when I'm motivated and it really really feels good when people notice that and appreciate it. Call it ego-tripping but you know, we really really need that in life. Especially me. when you know people appreciate what you do, I mean that's it. No need for rewards or awards, just the simple respect or acknowledgment of what you did. And I love it. Haha.

The independent candidate running for cssp sc chair is so hot. Steph Tan. Steph forward. Haha. Julie and I became such fan girls after we saw her and we heard her speak. I love how real she is-- no pretensions, no airs about her. None of the canned speeches you are so used to hearing from all the other candidates. I do admit she does have a tough task ahead of her, running in a college so very known for its partisan politics and here she is running for chair. But I do admire her courage. To actually take that risk and try to change things. Naneng said things don't change overnight but here she is, trying to spark that change.

But if you do think about it, what she fights for is almost very similar to what the other parties do stand for. But the way she presents it and the way she's not afraid And maybe for things to change, they have to presented in a different package.

I swear. Me, Bri and Julie are so smitten. I think she's the only candidate whom I questioned that much. The way she responds is so candid and real (!! for lack of a better word). She makes it a point to connect with her audience and her recognition of her faults make her even more appealing (like admitting that she didn't speak good Filipino).

I am so smitten. Haha. And how insane is it that I checked her friendster? And Julie is willing to be her alalay. Haha.

But too bad I'm not from cssp. Here's to advertising the hell for her. Haha. If she does win though, I hope her being different is not just some facade or some show for everyone to notice her, with that streaked hair and funky haircut.

This post was supposed to be an objective one. All objectivity went out the window.
But really. I will have an objective post about this. Soon. Swear.