right motives, still do the wrong actions

Lately, I've been thinking that I did it for all the wrong reasons when in actuality, it all boils down to this: I am so scared. And I can never take that plunge. Whoopie.

relief

I'm so relieved right now it's not even funny. That thing that I've been worrying about the past two weeks? Well, it's over and I can breathe now. It's not even what you think it is, since only three people know about this.

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As much as I would love to stay home and curl up in my bed, I don't think I should. All I do is think about what kind of a horrible person I am. And how unfair I've been and how unfair I'm being. And mostly, mostly, how cowardly I am.

Now I'm talking about what you think I'm talking about.

I guess after the initial thrill of teaching subsides and how happy I am that I'm doing this, it all sinks in (nothing to do with teaching). I'm not going to change.

A while ago, I realized how attached I'm getting to my students. Whether they're my actual students or it's the pep squad. I honestly love hearing about their days and I love seeing their improvement. I love their smiles. I love it when they give their full attention to me. I love it when they listen to me. I love it that they're learning.

And I love it that I'm teaching.

I swear every time I start a class cranky, at the end of it, wow, I feel completely different. It shocks me every time that time's up. I truly hope I don't screw this up.

Speaking of screwing up, Mel said this absolutely truthful line: that every time I have something good going for me, I turn around and run away. :(

since I'm here already

Might as well update.

I started on my new real job this June. I work as an assistant instructor at one of the universities here in the metro. Fun, fun job but physically draining. I'm forcing myself to be fit. I guess I should be but ah gad, I am tired.

My nights have returned to normal. I'm never home Saturday nights but at least during the weeknights I'm back here.

I've been so hungry lately. I hope I'm not pregnant. Haha bad joke. :P

wow. long time no update.

Funny, I was just thinking about this blog the other day and how I haven't updated it in forever.

Then what do you know, someone leaves a comment on my "wheel" by John Mayer post.

I'm intrigued. Who are you?