relief

I'm so relieved right now it's not even funny. That thing that I've been worrying about the past two weeks? Well, it's over and I can breathe now. It's not even what you think it is, since only three people know about this.

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As much as I would love to stay home and curl up in my bed, I don't think I should. All I do is think about what kind of a horrible person I am. And how unfair I've been and how unfair I'm being. And mostly, mostly, how cowardly I am.

Now I'm talking about what you think I'm talking about.

I guess after the initial thrill of teaching subsides and how happy I am that I'm doing this, it all sinks in (nothing to do with teaching). I'm not going to change.

A while ago, I realized how attached I'm getting to my students. Whether they're my actual students or it's the pep squad. I honestly love hearing about their days and I love seeing their improvement. I love their smiles. I love it when they give their full attention to me. I love it when they listen to me. I love it that they're learning.

And I love it that I'm teaching.

I swear every time I start a class cranky, at the end of it, wow, I feel completely different. It shocks me every time that time's up. I truly hope I don't screw this up.

Speaking of screwing up, Mel said this absolutely truthful line: that every time I have something good going for me, I turn around and run away. :(