hi 2010

3 months late. Going through this blog made me realize how much drama I have.

There's even more drama now. But wow, I feel like my soul's been torn apart with every post I read here. Haha. Why do I put all the drama stuff here. Took me a while to write here, decided to check it out after seeing my students post here. They are sooo adorable. Ha. I will missss them.

I have such a huuuuuge crush on you.

So after more than months of writing that fateful post

Let's talk about a different person:

I like you more than I'm allowing myself to feel.

And so in another bout of self-inflicted martyrdom, I tell myself and in the end, hope I have the guts to tell you: I like you, but please don't like me back.

first post of 2009

And I will tell you I'm in love with you.

I don't want to gloat

But seriously, I love my job. Where else can I climb mountains, play frisbee, rappel and have fun while doing all this? Honestly, the way things are going now, it would take me a lot to get me out of my current job. (Ahem, ahem. Brent Boracay, are you reading this? Haha I kid :P)

Not everything has been bright and sunny the past few months I've been teaching. Since it is my first teaching job (and my first full time job, for that matter), hello, can you spell uh-what-do-I-do-now? It took me a while to get to terms with handling all these students plus getting used to the culture of my university. It was pretty overwhelming at first. But now, I'm thinking I'm getting the hang of it. Even if I've lost my weekends. But bollocks to weekends! I can't imagine my weekends being better than climbing mountains or rappelling or whatnot. Plus it totally helps that I get along with my students. :D

so tired.

Physically and emotionally.

Just came from Manalmon and huff, I'm beat. The fever that I was trying to conquer disappeared up in the mountains, but decided to make its case when I got home.

My room is a mess again. I think that has some psychological meaning to it when your room is perpetually messy. Heck, even my desk at work is perpetually messy.

And in other news, nothing's new. I don't know why I'm still trying to figure you out after all this time. By now, you should be figured out already. But no. At the end of every week, I have totally different conclusions. Wrong, wrong.

never wing it. it never works.

I am royally screwed. This thing is on Sunday and I've been grasping at straws the past few days. I can't make heads or tails of what I'm studying. Nothing. Nothing. To top it off, I haven't even prepared for my lessons today. Definitely not one of the best decisions I've made. For now, winging it is not even considered an "educational guess." This isn't for me. Ugh. Logical reasoning confounds me. So does reading comprehension. What was I thinking again?

so young

I was so young then. And I thought I knew so much about the world and I wanted to know all there was about the world and because I of that, i thought I knew everything. Or more than the others. That was my downfall. I encouraged others to be open-minded yet I was as close-minded as could be.

Everything there that I gave four years of my college life to, I thought I knew. I was young, ignorant, naive, idealistic.. etc. Now looking back at all of it, I realized how much of it all I got wrong. Mostly because now I realize I had no idea what I was doing or talking about. All I wanted then was to live out the vision of other people. As for me, I had no idea what my vision was.

All that passion and all that energy was misplaced. And no, I'm not being dramatic about it. I just really realized that I was so young. And I was just waiting for something to put my energy into. That something was upsca.

What a sponge I was back then.

Anyway wala langz.

right motives, still do the wrong actions

Lately, I've been thinking that I did it for all the wrong reasons when in actuality, it all boils down to this: I am so scared. And I can never take that plunge. Whoopie.

relief

I'm so relieved right now it's not even funny. That thing that I've been worrying about the past two weeks? Well, it's over and I can breathe now. It's not even what you think it is, since only three people know about this.

=====

As much as I would love to stay home and curl up in my bed, I don't think I should. All I do is think about what kind of a horrible person I am. And how unfair I've been and how unfair I'm being. And mostly, mostly, how cowardly I am.

Now I'm talking about what you think I'm talking about.

I guess after the initial thrill of teaching subsides and how happy I am that I'm doing this, it all sinks in (nothing to do with teaching). I'm not going to change.

A while ago, I realized how attached I'm getting to my students. Whether they're my actual students or it's the pep squad. I honestly love hearing about their days and I love seeing their improvement. I love their smiles. I love it when they give their full attention to me. I love it when they listen to me. I love it that they're learning.

And I love it that I'm teaching.

I swear every time I start a class cranky, at the end of it, wow, I feel completely different. It shocks me every time that time's up. I truly hope I don't screw this up.

Speaking of screwing up, Mel said this absolutely truthful line: that every time I have something good going for me, I turn around and run away. :(