I don't want to gloat

But seriously, I love my job. Where else can I climb mountains, play frisbee, rappel and have fun while doing all this? Honestly, the way things are going now, it would take me a lot to get me out of my current job. (Ahem, ahem. Brent Boracay, are you reading this? Haha I kid :P)

Not everything has been bright and sunny the past few months I've been teaching. Since it is my first teaching job (and my first full time job, for that matter), hello, can you spell uh-what-do-I-do-now? It took me a while to get to terms with handling all these students plus getting used to the culture of my university. It was pretty overwhelming at first. But now, I'm thinking I'm getting the hang of it. Even if I've lost my weekends. But bollocks to weekends! I can't imagine my weekends being better than climbing mountains or rappelling or whatnot. Plus it totally helps that I get along with my students. :D

so tired.

Physically and emotionally.

Just came from Manalmon and huff, I'm beat. The fever that I was trying to conquer disappeared up in the mountains, but decided to make its case when I got home.

My room is a mess again. I think that has some psychological meaning to it when your room is perpetually messy. Heck, even my desk at work is perpetually messy.

And in other news, nothing's new. I don't know why I'm still trying to figure you out after all this time. By now, you should be figured out already. But no. At the end of every week, I have totally different conclusions. Wrong, wrong.

never wing it. it never works.

I am royally screwed. This thing is on Sunday and I've been grasping at straws the past few days. I can't make heads or tails of what I'm studying. Nothing. Nothing. To top it off, I haven't even prepared for my lessons today. Definitely not one of the best decisions I've made. For now, winging it is not even considered an "educational guess." This isn't for me. Ugh. Logical reasoning confounds me. So does reading comprehension. What was I thinking again?

so young

I was so young then. And I thought I knew so much about the world and I wanted to know all there was about the world and because I of that, i thought I knew everything. Or more than the others. That was my downfall. I encouraged others to be open-minded yet I was as close-minded as could be.

Everything there that I gave four years of my college life to, I thought I knew. I was young, ignorant, naive, idealistic.. etc. Now looking back at all of it, I realized how much of it all I got wrong. Mostly because now I realize I had no idea what I was doing or talking about. All I wanted then was to live out the vision of other people. As for me, I had no idea what my vision was.

All that passion and all that energy was misplaced. And no, I'm not being dramatic about it. I just really realized that I was so young. And I was just waiting for something to put my energy into. That something was upsca.

What a sponge I was back then.

Anyway wala langz.

right motives, still do the wrong actions

Lately, I've been thinking that I did it for all the wrong reasons when in actuality, it all boils down to this: I am so scared. And I can never take that plunge. Whoopie.

relief

I'm so relieved right now it's not even funny. That thing that I've been worrying about the past two weeks? Well, it's over and I can breathe now. It's not even what you think it is, since only three people know about this.

=====

As much as I would love to stay home and curl up in my bed, I don't think I should. All I do is think about what kind of a horrible person I am. And how unfair I've been and how unfair I'm being. And mostly, mostly, how cowardly I am.

Now I'm talking about what you think I'm talking about.

I guess after the initial thrill of teaching subsides and how happy I am that I'm doing this, it all sinks in (nothing to do with teaching). I'm not going to change.

A while ago, I realized how attached I'm getting to my students. Whether they're my actual students or it's the pep squad. I honestly love hearing about their days and I love seeing their improvement. I love their smiles. I love it when they give their full attention to me. I love it when they listen to me. I love it that they're learning.

And I love it that I'm teaching.

I swear every time I start a class cranky, at the end of it, wow, I feel completely different. It shocks me every time that time's up. I truly hope I don't screw this up.

Speaking of screwing up, Mel said this absolutely truthful line: that every time I have something good going for me, I turn around and run away. :(

since I'm here already

Might as well update.

I started on my new real job this June. I work as an assistant instructor at one of the universities here in the metro. Fun, fun job but physically draining. I'm forcing myself to be fit. I guess I should be but ah gad, I am tired.

My nights have returned to normal. I'm never home Saturday nights but at least during the weeknights I'm back here.

I've been so hungry lately. I hope I'm not pregnant. Haha bad joke. :P

wow. long time no update.

Funny, I was just thinking about this blog the other day and how I haven't updated it in forever.

Then what do you know, someone leaves a comment on my "wheel" by John Mayer post.

I'm intrigued. Who are you?

lost

So I don't want to write about this in my other blog because it's the same old, same old. Mel and I were talking about how we never expected grad to be this way. How we never expected UP life to end this way. So much disappointment, so much regret.

How I can't bring myself to look towards the future when I'm stuck in the past and the present.

Don't forget to keep that smile on your face.

i let my guard down

pfft. I spent way too much unwanted energy on you.

bullet points from the previous

I was tempted to write this long, rambling entry on my current crisis of the soul, unfortunately, it got too long that even I can't understand it anymore; nevertheless, I will try to get my points across:

1.Why can't I just be contented? It's been less than a week since my sem and undergraduate life ended and already, I'm bored, restless and frustrated.

2. I have two things right here. One, a part time job that I can full-time my way through. Two, a job offer that's been waiting for me since last semester. And that should be enough right? At least I have something. But see here, I don't want either or anything else for that matter to be an "at least" kind of thing. Maybe that's why I can't seem to say "yes" to either. I know it's idealistic to land a job that I will really love at once, but is it wrong to keep on searching?

3. It's not about the money. Well, it kind of is because I don't want to ask for money from my parents because wasn't that the reason why I took that part time job in the first place? Money is fine, money is lovely, money is love, money is yummy, but but but.. It's not what I want. (Days/weeks/months/years/decades from now, when I am completely broke, I will regret saying that statement. :P)

4. I want to go back to school. Funny, huh? After the hell of the past few weeks and all my desires to get out of school, at the end of it all, it still is what I want to do.

Funny how I've been waiting for this moment for the longest time and now that it's there, it's all so blah. Yey for the real world!

oh come on

Why can't I just be contented? Forgive this post and all my brattiness. P(ost)MS-ing. Bored. Semi hungover. Whatever. It's been less than a week since my sem and undergraduate life ended and already, I'm bored, restless and frustrated. And I shouldn't be. I ended UP life in style with a crazy inuman (haha crazy doesn't even cut it) and by going to one of the most overwhelming places EVER. (anawangin, I am coming back for you).

The "What next?" thing is bothering me. Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier if I took those damn entrance tests, LAE, NMAT and GRE-- well, considering I pass them and get good scores, but that's beside the point. Because then at least I'd have something. But then I look at what I have now, and I do have something. More than somethings in fact. I have this part time job that I don't exactly love but it's there and I can always go full time; God knows they could use that. And I have this absolutely fine job that's been waiting for me for more than a semester now but here I am, hesitating. How stupid is this. It's right there. In a way, I'd be ahead of the pack. Why does everything have to be a race?

It's stupid to hesitate. I don't even know what I want to do or what I will love. All I know and all I feel is, neither of these things are for me. A part of me is telling myself to be patient. That I need the money if ever I decide to study again because I can't ask for money from my parents because wasn't that the reason why I took that part time job in the first place? "Don't feel pressured to love the first job you land. It'll come." don't feel pressured blah blah. I'm not. I don't. But after more than three months of earning my own money and saving up just a wee bit, I wish that was enough to keep me going. It isn't.

Is it because that the job I have right now isn't something to be all excited about? Or is it because people look down on it and not consider it a "real" job? but I look at the people there who have put so much heart and dedication into it and I'm not one of them. But then, why am I not excited for this new job?

whether there's a little or a lotta alcohol. it still is alcohol. it's bout a moth before i say goodbye and i'm not yet sure if I'm ready for that just yet. So much has happened the past year and just when I have gotten used to them being there, suddenly, I'm about to say goodbye to all of it. Pfft. I don't know anymore. I get too emotionally attached people or things that I shouldn't be attached to. After this, I don't know. Maybe we'll all still be friends, maybe we won't. What can I say? Yey for emo ness. Blah

ano ba

Nasstress ako sa 'yo at 'di ko alam kung bakit.
Sino ka ba sa'kin?
Kaso naisip ko rin
Na sino nga ba ako sa 'yo?

i cannot figure you out

really, I cannot. And I wonder why I should even. Why, why, why. But ugh. Really.

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

and why should I care anyway? You're.. You're.. You're you. And you always will be you. That's what makes you so darn difficult.

gilmore girls + what

Have you ever noticed how there never seems to be a college show on tv? It's always high school this, high school that and work life this and that and shit, but never about college. I mean, I think they tried it before, but I can't think of any series that was all college-y memorable.

And why is that, man? I mean seriously, aren't the concerns of college kids valid? Or even more valid than high school concerns. I love high school shows and all but but but, I need the college kid perspective.

Which is prolly one of the reasons why I love Gilmore Girls so much. I love how they tackled the entire high school and college life of Rory. And how her college life was so college (even if they talk freaking fast and freaking witty). And how my heart breaks with every episode of the final season because of how it's slowly sinking in that in a couple of months, college life is over. And how perfect Rory broke down because she had no idea what she wanted to do after Yale. Hello, if Rory broke down, what about the rest of us human beings?

And it scares me so much. I hang out with a bunch of people who pretty much know what they want to do with their lives, and I don't. I thought I did, but I don't. I thought it was pretty normal at first then I realize it's January 2008. Shouldn't I have a plan or something? A part of me wishes I took the NMAT or the LAE for shit because at least I know I'd have something, anything. And if I fail, at least I know I tried (or some other similar excuse). But here I am. I'm on the last sem of my course. A course that I don't even know if I'm right for it or if it's right for me. I can't even see past graduation. Heck, with the way my thesis is going, I can't even see graduation.

if you had to listen to one song..

If you like depressing song stuff, you have to listen to this. It's so beautifully painful. As in heartbreaking. But it's just so beautiful.. Credits to Anna and perezhilton.



Who Am I To Say
Hope

Love of my life, my soulmate
You're my best friend
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left

Don't know anything at all
Who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

Color me blue I'm lost in you
Don't know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Don't know why I'm still searching

Don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me

Hmmm hmmm mmm
Uhhh oohhh aahhh
Hooo aahhh ohh ohhh

Now you're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feels so free
Now I know what's meant to be
And that's okay with me

But who am I to say you love me
And who am I to say you need me
And who am I to say you love me

Mmmm hmmm

I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you love me
I don't know anything at all
And who am I to say you need me
I don't know anything at all

I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all
I don't know anything at all