org

I have an exam tomorrow. My notes are on the net but God. God. God. We just had the alumni homecoming (or should I say presidents' homecoming) in upsca.

it frightens me. standing in front of everyone, talking about upsca, sweating profusely , stuttering, and absolutely wondering if i made any sense whatsoever. thank god for the others for saving my ass--again! how did i put myself in this situation, to be in front of people who have seen and experienced upsca's glory days? to be in front of presidents who have been such an integral part of upsca and all its glory and history. and wow. how the hell did i end up there?

hearing them speaking, knowing all the challenges that we have to face and are currently facing (yup, pandagdag lang yung sinabi ng mga alumni).. it scares me. it makes me apprehensive. but it excites me.

i don't know, save for a few, what the rest of the members think of everything that's happening in the organization. come to think of it, it frightens me that i don't have a grip on them, that i don't kow what they're thinking.

why are we so afraid of change? what have we got to lose? um.. a lot. haha. but is change always a bad thing?

these are just weird random thoughts. but i dunno. i hate how this feels, how i can feel so determined and passionate about this (wow. which i realized just now that it's a very good thing considering my passion fruit's been running really low these past months), but at the same time feel so useless because i have no idea what to do about it or how to go about it.

wait. rockstar supernova. be back in a bit.

who knew I'd end up like this?

I'm an old soul unable to keep up with the changing times. What is it with me and being unable to accept change? I'm losing m grip on things and letting myself be run over.

No. I've always been open to ideas--to everything actually that I let you do what you want without any objection from me. And when I do, it sounds like I'm imposing everything on them. Hello. I listen to you, listen to me. Wait. Correction. You do listen, but here I am, fighting a losing battle.

I'm so used to getting my things my way. Welcome to the real world, Lei. Welcome to life. What took you so long?

God. I love what my friend wrote about in her blog. I love how sincere it is. I love the way she is able to grasp all her emotions and articulate them, that you feel its heartfeltness and sincerity. Something I'm never able to do. My feelings lack the clarity and depth that some people are just able to capture and put into words.

huwaw part 2

totoong huwaw naman to. Basta, nakakabilib, nakakatuwa. Ibang klase. Grabe. Acle. Reaksyon. Maraming tao. Hay. Sana tuloy tuloy na to.

16 ang huling bilang ko.

ano ba

Kasasabi ko nga lang na magbagong buhay ka... lechers naman o.

huwaw

sa totoo lang, ngayon lang uli ako nabagabag nang ganito. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ito nararamdaman ko ngayon. Siguro dahil maliban lang sa sampung minutong tulog sa tambayan, tuloy tuloy lahat ng mga gawain ko ngayon. Alam ko madalang ko lang gamitin ang rason ng "pagod" pagdating dito, (kasi naman, kelan ba ako napapagaod? Apparently, posible pala ang ganitong klaseng pagod), kaya siguro kaya ko pagbigyan sarili ko. Pero hindi eh. Hindi ako naniniwala sa mga rason, sa mga dahilan.. kung gusto mo, may paraan. kung ayaw, maraming *toot* dahilan. Hindi ko kayang gamitin ang pagod (o kung anuman bilang excuse, kung tutuusin nga dapat wala nga akong excuse eh), pero putek. Paano ako naging ganito? Yung mga ginawa ko nang nakaraan, di ko na magawa ngayon. Kung paano ako dati, sobrang ibang-iba ako ngayon.

Ang daming nangyari ngayon (actually, ang daming nangyayari ngayon) na napaisip ako ng todo. Mabuti naman yan, diba? Kesa naman wala akong ginagawa. Pero putek, hanggang kailan ko ba to kailangan pag-isipan? Kulang talaga lahat ng mga aksyon/gawain ko. Parang napapansin ko na napapansin ng mga myembro na parang wala akong ginagawa. Wala ba? Alam ko marami akong pagkukulang, pero hindi ko to bibitawan (?) nakakapagod siya talaga pero solusyon ba to? Shet. Mali ang unang sinulat ko. Natakot ako dun ah. Ba't ako napaisip ng ganyan? Umabot na ba sa ganyang lebel na iyun na ang iniisip mo? Huwag. Pero sige. Sa dami-dami kong naririnig, sa dami-daming pagpapaliwanag, eh di dapat nakahanap nako ng solusyon. Tinatanggap ko lahat ng mga sinasabi ng iba, pinapakinggan ko lahat nang sinasabi ng iba, pero hanggang dun lang ba talaga ako? Doon lang ba ako magaling? Sa pakikinig? Bakit yun ang nararamdaman ko? Na puro isip at salita lang ako. Walang aksyon. Wag naman sana.

Grabe. Ang galing mo talaga. Amg galing mo umiwas. Ba't ka ba natatakot? Hindi ka naman ganyan dati eh. Ano ba. Umayos ka na. Wag ka na magreklamo at gawin mo na ang mga kailangan mong gawin. Dapat manggaling sa yo yan eh.

Punyeta. Dapat alam ko na to e. Wala akong excuse para di ko siya malaman. Pero bakit eto nararamdaman ko? Na parang ngayon lang ako nakaranas nito o na parang ngayon ko lang siya na-encounter sa buhay ko. Eh hindi naman eh. Ikaw dapat. Sa lahat ng tao, ikaw dapat ang nakakaalam kung ano dapat gawin. Hello! O ang feeling ko lang ba? Masyado ba akong feeling? Hay. Kung sinuman ang nakakabasa nito, pasensya na sa aking tagalog. Tama ba naman to? Na ipost ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayong araw na to. Bakit, ano bang masama sa emosyon? Ang importante lang naman ay kung ano ba gagawin mo sa mga emosyon na yun? Naks. Parang alam talaga kung ano sinasabi ko.

Wag na. Magbagong buhay ka na. Walang mapapala kung ganito ka lang. Okidoks? Shet. Lalong sumakit ulo ko.

just arrived home

I just got home. As in I haven't stepped in my room yet and here I am on the pc typing away. I just came from Mel's house and had another marathon. The second season's starting to bore us. We want action!! Haha!

Today/yesterday was just not my day for jeeps. At all. For some reason, I've been having nothing but bad luck with jeeps today. The two jeeps on the way to andrew's house took forever to move. And all three jeeps on the way home tonight turned every corner/intersection into a terminal.

Have you checked out the night sky tonight? It's past 12am but it still looks as if there are stil a few minutes left til evening. It's insanely bright out and it actually looks quite nice. I ended taking my time walking to the house and unlocking the door. The good thing about it was for once, I didn't trip on my way to the door and I was able to see where I was going. Yipee!!

I dunno if I should classify my day as crap or not. Had a crap exam, for sure (tsk tsk tsk.. That's what happens when I do not study organic chem at all, knowing full well it was going to appear in the exam). I felt like crap for the two committees holding activities today. Things are definitely declining and I have no idea how to stop it or what to do about it. Years of experience (whether firsthand or secondhand) still hsan't taught me anything. Oh Lord.

Read a passage from Angels and Demons today while waiting for Mel to finish Christine's homework. It mentioned St. Francis' Prayer. Which of course I don't remember.

john mayer song number two

mystupidmouthbyjohnmayer

my stupid mouth / has got me in trouble / i said too much again / to a date over dinner yesterday / and I could see / she was offended / she said "well anyway..." / just dying for a subject change // oh, it's another social casualty / score one more for me / how could I forget? / mama said "think before speaking" / no filter in my head / oh, what's a boy to do / i guess he better find one soon // we bit our lips / she looked out the window / rolling tiny balls of napkin paper / i played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker / and I could see clearly / an indelible line was drawn / between what was good / what just slipped out and what went wrong // oh, the way she feels about me has changed / thanks for playing, try again. / how could i forget? / mama said "think before speaking" / no filter in my head / oh, what's a boy to do / i guess he better find one / i'm never speaking up again / it only hurts me / i'd rather be a mystery / than she desert me // oh i'm never speaking up again / starting now // one more thing / why is it my fault? / so maybe i try too hard / but it's all because of this desire / i just wanna be liked / i just wanna be funny / looks like the joke's on me / so call me captain backfire // i'm never speaking up again / it only hurts me / i'd rather be a mystery / than she desert me // oh i'm never speaking up again / starting now //

pretend you're alive

So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high, and pretend that you're alive again...

now, why would you do that?

I wonder why I wanted to check that out in the first place. I can be impulsive about everything. Except this. Is that a good thing?

Mel and I finished season 1 of L word last friday night/saturday morning and we would have watched more of season 2 if enzo didn't wake up for the upcat and if mel didn't have to wake up at 7am.

We had one of our really long, conceited, oversharing, analytic conversations that only the two of us seem to understand. Funny how we can talk about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but still find something new or interesting to say about those things.

Prior to that, everything was just really messed up. Horrible results in my exams.. Plans not going according to plan... Gawsh. I have to find some way of un-messing up things. I can think of several ways actually, but really, would I want to be bored with my life again?

So here's to failing more exams and screwing all my plans. Here's to something spontaneous.



God, girl. You cannot be serious.

monday boredom

more random doodles during ms 101..


Thanks to bry for introducing me to that song. :)

really?

Urg.

i love it

Just copying ally's and (currently-- hopefully) mel's favorite expression. Better day than normal. I had no 230 class today (yesterday actually, its almost 1am) so mel and I had our L word marathon. Nearly done with the first season. Although I pretty much know what's going to happen in the next few episodes (and seasons), shit, it's so different when you're actually watching it. After the GA in upsca, we ended up marathon-ing again. finished about 4 discs today. goodness...

;jaic;fmgka;gaoirgawqkomfea;'emda';fe'aeanglfm ba';pwekjawmjfap'jtr