cyclical

I was going through my blog and then I realized something. Whatever has happened then is happening now. Things don't change. There is always this prevalent feeling of being useless and unproductive and denying whatever I shouldn't be feeling.

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out my current state and how it has come to this. I think I do have a pretty good idea of why all this is here. And recognition is supposed to be a good thing, right? Acceptance is the start. (After denial, anyway) After acceptance, you move on. You stop finding fault in yourself and in others and look towards the future cause there's nothing you can do about the past. Just move on. Guess what, it takes me forever to move on. So I guess I will be down this lonely self pity trip for quite a while.

I'm worried about the long term effects of this. I get this nagging feeling that this will get worse before it gets any better. And I'm wondering, jeez, it is really possible for things to get any worse? As if I'm not paranoid enough as it is already. Always, I'm scared and depressed and reclusive. Or I only choose to see a select few. I can count the number of people in my hand the people that I do want to see and whose company I enjoy. The rest, i feel I'll just be blah to them or they will just be blah to me. And the wit that I thought I possessed is gone.

But the point is: I shouldn't deny what I'm feeling. It's what I'm feeling. It's what I tell others; it isn't wrong to feel-- it's just what you do about them that matters. Uh. I haven't done anything about them. Where does that fall? But here, if people get sick of hearing what I have to say, is that their problem? Or will I be left with no one? Haha this is crazy.

We are so good at telling other people what to do. But we never follow our own advice. We laugh and make fun of people when they're so stupid. But when it's our turn, we always turn a blind eye. We like to criticize others not realizing that maybe somewhere, someone out there is criticizing us just as well in that same horrid manner.

I'm sick of who I am and what I've become. When I try to think of possible ways for me to change, I give a semi-half-hearted effort (so is that 1/4 effort?) and God knows, it'll take more than a semi-half-hearted effort for things to change.

A few years from now I'll be reading this same post and I'll realize, dayum, I'm still going through the same shit?

once

I'm currently listening to the soundtrack of "Once." I saw the trailer on Apple.com and it was so moving, I just had to download the songs. I so have to watch this movie. The songs are so powerful and the trailer showed nothing but very very very positive reviews.

And so the music is transporting me to another place and another time.

You only meet the right person once.

All this time, what if, what if that person was just there.. But we're always so scared when we're faced with the things we actually want. We screw up things that are already there.

The moment was there and then it's gone. The song ends and the words I want to write down have gone along with it. There is no one, you know. No particular person for whom that song is written. Every song has a story, every person has a story. What's my song and what's my story? Who is this song dedicated to? That when it is played, it will be you I think about. Whoever you are. There will be memories, little trinkets that will remind me of you. Times, dates, places-- all of you. Whoever you are.

There's always a difference between what you desire and what's right. What's right is not always what you desire, or vice versa. So when you meet someone right, does that mean that that person isn't the one you desire?

I try to conjure up an image of someone who fits the mold of these songs. It's that futile search for something that evades us or for all we know could be right there.

masters

I've been going masters' shopping these past few weeks. It used to be something I did just for fun. All this time, I was under the notion that I am quite capable of pursuing a masters' degree in kinesiology/exercise science. But the more I research about it, the more disheartened I get.

For one thing, how do I choose what school to go to? Should I go to the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, elsewhere? I mean, come on, how do you narrow down your choices? I know pretty much what I'm looking for but narrowing it down is the hard part because all the courses sound the same and there are only a few differences here and there. But that's just my opinion-- maybe I should read the fine print even more.

And then my second worry pops up. Are my undergraduate grades good enough? I've been trying to figure out how to compute GWA (General Weighted Average-- UP system) to GPA, but no such luck there. When I look at my transcript of grades, all I see are more causes for rejection. Cause they're just average at best.

And then the ultimate (or at least I think so) pops up-- where am I GONNA GET THE MONEY?? :O who knew studying abroad could be so expensive? I did a rough estimate of tuition costs, board and lodging for roughly 2 years of masters and the price tag came down to P3million. Come on. Where am I going to get that much money? And that's not even taking into account the tests I have to take (GRE, TOEFL), student visa, plane tickets, allowance.. and the list goes on and on. And I must be kidding myself if I want to make the Fall 2008 application. I don't even know how to start looking for scholarships. And hello, will they even accept me? This is me once again downplaying my abilities and capabilities but it's a very rational thought. I can think of a thousand reasons why I won't be accepted and I'm pretty sure I've got some stiff competition out there.

But this is what I want. And I know I have to find a way to get the things I want on my own, without being too reliant on others. I want to be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. I want the fitness industry here to be based on science and research and not just something recreational. Although there's nothing wrong with that, I just think that we study so hard for a research-oriented approach to sports and health, so why not put it to good use right? And it's time health should be a priority of the Filipinos. The way I see it, I think most people think of fitness centers as the new Starbucks-- look good and feel good as well as the place to see and be seen. Too little emphasis is placed on the why's and the how's. There's no information campaign on why they do these fitness classes or the exercises they do and how it affects their bodies.

And then I get those nagging fears again. Is this really what I want? Or is this something I just settled for just because it's there? Or is it just because I feel as if I have a better chance with this than succeeding in Med? It scares me. What if I suddenly realize that this isn't for me? Like by some twisted chance of fate, I'm able to support myself in grad school, will I realize it will have been for nothing and realize I flushed away millions of pesos? What a wonderful thought, eh?
I have one year to figure out whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Get it right!

summer

Summer vacation is supposed to be fun. I'm supposed to be making the most out of this final stretch. I wanted to dedicate this summer to fulfilling my "me" needs, to tell the world to go screw itself and just think about what I want. But I can't seem to get myself into high gear. Sure, there are the occasional parties and beach trips, but nothing has happened yet to make this summer memorable. I'm becoming restless and I feel like I'm just waiting for things to happen. I wish I could make things happen, i really do, but the lack of moolah prevents me from making things happen. There's only so much you can watch on DVD and surf the net before it suddenly sinks in that you've done nothing productive or done nothing that would rank on the cool-o-meter. Except for the constant 3pm onwards (usually until 530pm) moments that I share with the 3pm group, i think I lived a relatively boring final summer. And instead of this becoming a reflective journey or at least a moment of rest, I constantly get frustrated with myself because I wish that I what I am actually doing (which is what, exactly?) has substance or some vision. For now, I'm contented (or so it seems) to just let days pass and see what each day has in store for me. Although days have become pretty predictable, I still like to think they present some element of surprise. But seriously, who am I kidding?

continuation [edit]

This day would not have been what it is without you. From the start of the day to now. And I meant what I said, both times. And well, I know all you'll do is laugh at me, just like how I'll laugh at you when / if you do that to me. But forever will I be grateful for you, for coming into my life and just being you. And I know I probably say all this to you a million times to the point that I sound like a broken record. But that's just cause I run out of words to thank you and to let you know about all this.

Crazy really how all of this is, huh? I don't think I ever would have expected this. Anyway, yes I'm still on a crazy hangover. And not the alcoholic kind, mind you.

a year older

Birthdays are one of the most dreaded days of the year. They never turn out the way you want them to. You always end up expecting more from others, from this day, from yourself. You keep wishing that something special happens just because it's your birthday. But you know in the end, except for the fact that you turn a year older, (which you don't even feel), birthdays are just like any other day of the year.

But occasionally, yes, they rarely turn out the way you want them to-- they end up becoming something better.

I didn't expect much from this day since it's kind of a pattern that odd birthdays are usually less eventful than even birthdays (well, in my case anyway). So I was preparing myself for a day of lounging around at home, abusing the internet and DVD player, annoying Lafi and trying not to act my age-- which Lafi thinks I did a very good job, since he told me to "Act my age" on more than one occasion. But Mel orders me to be in PHAn by 1pm, so so much for my being a homebody on my birthday.

I guess this day truly started in the afternoon. Nothing extremely surprising happened, except for Mel's gift which completely floored me because I was not expecting anyone to give me this. But today left me feeling surprisingly contented, from Shaq calling me up at 12mn to greet me, to Lafi running up the stairs to greet me, to Missy and Bim screaming at me from the second floor of PHAn, to the mini coop and flaming wings, to texts from people whom I haven't seen in the longest time (upsca, pugad, hk, family, high school), to a text from Drew :P, to donuts and pugad and to mass and dinner with my family.

And well, it's the sum of all these little things that made me wish this birthday lasted just a little bit longer. :)

So to all those who greeted me and surprised me via phone call, text, personal greetings, ym, multiply, friendster, lj, mail-- thank you so so much!!! You have no idea how much that all meant to me. Thank you for making this birthday not so sucky after all. In fact, so not sucky at all. <3