cyclical

I was going through my blog and then I realized something. Whatever has happened then is happening now. Things don't change. There is always this prevalent feeling of being useless and unproductive and denying whatever I shouldn't be feeling.

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out my current state and how it has come to this. I think I do have a pretty good idea of why all this is here. And recognition is supposed to be a good thing, right? Acceptance is the start. (After denial, anyway) After acceptance, you move on. You stop finding fault in yourself and in others and look towards the future cause there's nothing you can do about the past. Just move on. Guess what, it takes me forever to move on. So I guess I will be down this lonely self pity trip for quite a while.

I'm worried about the long term effects of this. I get this nagging feeling that this will get worse before it gets any better. And I'm wondering, jeez, it is really possible for things to get any worse? As if I'm not paranoid enough as it is already. Always, I'm scared and depressed and reclusive. Or I only choose to see a select few. I can count the number of people in my hand the people that I do want to see and whose company I enjoy. The rest, i feel I'll just be blah to them or they will just be blah to me. And the wit that I thought I possessed is gone.

But the point is: I shouldn't deny what I'm feeling. It's what I'm feeling. It's what I tell others; it isn't wrong to feel-- it's just what you do about them that matters. Uh. I haven't done anything about them. Where does that fall? But here, if people get sick of hearing what I have to say, is that their problem? Or will I be left with no one? Haha this is crazy.

We are so good at telling other people what to do. But we never follow our own advice. We laugh and make fun of people when they're so stupid. But when it's our turn, we always turn a blind eye. We like to criticize others not realizing that maybe somewhere, someone out there is criticizing us just as well in that same horrid manner.

I'm sick of who I am and what I've become. When I try to think of possible ways for me to change, I give a semi-half-hearted effort (so is that 1/4 effort?) and God knows, it'll take more than a semi-half-hearted effort for things to change.

A few years from now I'll be reading this same post and I'll realize, dayum, I'm still going through the same shit?