senseless wednesday

It's been a tiring day today. I got sick again, not enough people showed up for caroling, I didn't get to see the people who I wanted to see, too much food... Basically, everything fell short of my expectations.

Granted there were really good memories, but come on. If 10% of your day is shit, chances are you'll be thinking about that than the 90% good stuff.

Why do we expect so much? From ourselves, from other people? Why can't we just take things as they are? Why are we never content? Or we know we should be, but we aren't?

And then this is not helping. I'm being bratty again, like always (I'm bratty when I blog.. Yep look at me, I'm a brat). It's Christmas and nothing seems to be going right. Somehow all these things just seem to blow up in my face. I'm seriously hoping it's just for today.

I'm tired. I should go to bed.

You're leaving tomorrow. Yup, we'll see each other again, as we always do. Have fun! You're spoiling my family!

trembling blue stars

I"m so far from being over you...

I'm not like them. I'm not like them. How it could be so easy for the two of you to find someone new just like that. And me? Gosh, i've been hung up over the same person for the past year or so. And yes, it's over. And what the hell, could there be anything more? I doubt it. Haven't I accepted that fact already? If I did, why is it so damn hard to move on and find someone new or please, just give it a rest.

For once, can I just be like them? Forget about it all, find someone new, find someone right now, get on with my life and not think of you every freaking minute of my life.

I don't want to be like this.

great

Just great. really.

What was I thinking? What am I thinking? There are marks on my fist to prove my point. And why again?

There it is.

something new

And different for a change.

Not.

Haha! Thanks to Borat for reviving Not jokes. Haha!

"What's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?"

Question of the weekend.

Don't you know that I'll be around to guide you, through your weakest moments to leave them behind you.. Returning nightmares only shadows, we'll cast some light and you'll be alright for now

So you're right there. And I'm right here. So what's the problem? This is a game that only I may be playing. And I never stick to my convictions. Being unable to figure it out when it's already there. How hard can it be, right?

Motor Learning and Performance by Richard Schmidt: It's the third stage of learning. The most changes and adjustments occur during the first two stages. It's the third stage that's the most difficult. It's where mastery of the skill and automaticity develops, but adjustments made are less obvious than the first two stages.

And that other minor detail? Oh yeah. That kind of crossed my mind. But then again, not really.

this is a surprise

Ignorance is bliss. Or so I thought. Or so I believe.
False hope is better than no hope at all.

Really?

Welcome back to reality. I've never been much of a grades person. I always thought my grades reflected how much I've learned. Really?

Or they usually reflected my interest in the subject.

Really?

Is everything proportional or inversely proportional? I have no trends when it comes to my grades. I thought I was doing ok, enough to stay afloat. Now I just realized I have to fight for my life. Find some loophole somewhere, do something to make up for all that. One year. One year makes all the fucking difference.

To be honest, I think I've forgotten how to react to certain things. I'm so devoid of emotion lately. Everything has just been... OK. My grades (some low, some high, unexpected surprises), org stuff (really I should be feeling the pressure now), friendships / relationships (is that really what I want?) and that should be all good, right? I can't deal with stuff being just OK. There's nothing there. It's like you're just hanging around waiting for something to happen to you before you actually do something. I'm standing on this insanely straight line, standing in the middle of nowhere. Standing in the middle. There's just no direction.

For someone who thrives on emotions, I seem to have forgotten what they actually are.

would you rather?

Would you rather know or not know?

no
know
don't know

blank but i want to ramble. person(s) in my head. always one and not the other. always the other but never the one.

i don't know. the only thing that we fear is a missed opportunity. lost.

i think too little then think too much. i think.

or not think. or i must be crazy.

how about that bottomless glass eh? why not.

this is not what you think it is. really. i'm fine. i just get emotional when i go on dvd marathons. when i'm out of myself, that's when i feel something. and i'm not supposed to feel those. because i'm fine. life is. fine. and i don't know why. why we hate being content. why we always want something more when it's already there. again, this is not what you think. it's the damn song's fault this time. why we can't just accept things as they are. and then we end up taking those things for granted.

and i'm crazy. i really am.

again??

Dammit. I hate the way you're always right and the way you see right through me every effing time. I wonder how the hell you do it every time. Usually, I'm thankful for it because you give insight to my life that I never would have figure out on my own but on days like these, it hits me how little common sense I have and you, YOU always make me realize that. And it sucks. Cause I feel so stupid around you. And then I wonder if you've hit that conclusion as well. And if/when that happens, I ask myself, "What the hell do you need me for?"

And then I would probably take the question back because I'm suddenly afraid that the answer you might give me might be, "I don't."

Which would definitely suck even more.

So I would probably just suck this up (like I do every time) and go on feeling lousy about myself when I know I shouldn't. And I'd feel bad cause you did nothing wrong. And I'll feel even worse if you found out that this is how I felt.

And then things will get better and I'll forget I've ever felt this way. Then it'll happen again. It's a horrible cycle and it's amazing really how you always manage to keep me on my toes when I'm with you.















edited: and then you go and do something which just makes me smile and forget all my nastiness towards you. And then I go feeling gulity for feeling this way.

from liverpoolfc.tv

AGONIES AND ECSTASIES IN MANILA
Graham Dwyer 05 October 2006

Graham Dwyer explains how he keeps in touch with his favourite team from a part of the world which hasn't yet fallen in love with the beautiful game in this week's 'LFC Letter From...' column.

It is first light on the morning of 26 May 2005 in a scruffy side street in Manila’s central business district. With the tropical sun already baking the potholed roadside, a group of bleary eyed supporters of Liverpool FC are celebrating one of the Reds’ most famous victories of all time after a very long night.

No doubt a similar scene was being played out among many of the 73 million viewers of this game around world. But for me, the sight of Steve Gerrard hauling aloft the European Cup live from Istanbul was special - an ecstatic release after 20 years of occasional jubilation, sometimes frustration, and moments of tragedy and heartbreak – most of it watched from afar.

With the strains of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” still ringing in my ears, I staggered out of the bar into the blinding sunlight deliriously happy and proud. It had been a long night in Manila, which at that time of year is seven hours ahead of UK (so live European football plays on cable TV at around 3 a.m.).

Passing locals would have wondered what all the fuss was about. Liverpool FC – and Premiership football in general – enjoys a small but dedicated fan base among expats in Manila. But to the wider local population, it has about as much relevance as Peruvian tiddlywinks.

Unlike the rest of Southeast Asia (in Bangkok, taxi drivers, when they know I am from Liverpool, ask if they can have Steve Gerrard’s phone number) the Philippines is largely indifferent to “soccer,” as it is known in local parlance. I could be covered head to toe in red and decked out in enough Liver bird insignias to start a small street stall, and they would still ask me what sport a team called “Carlsberg” plays.

There are various reasons for this, most of them rooted in the unique colonial/cultural heritage of the country. “Four hundred years in a convent and 50 years in Hollywood,” the old cliche goes about the Philippines.

From centuries of Spanish rule, the country picked up Catholicism, surnames that would not sound out of place in the Argentinean second eleven, and a taste for a sport that would send the British animal rights lobby into apoplexy - live cockfighting.

On any given Sunday, throughout the country, you will find the local cockpits packed to the gunnels as two cocks, their feet strapped with vicious strap on blades that look like they fell off a velociraptor, slug it out for place of honour as the Sunday roast. A fluttering of the feathers, a few squawks and it is usually over mercifully quickly, at least for the loser. Perhaps if the Premiership tried out those blades, the game would be more popular over here!

From the turn of last century to before World War II, the almost 50 years of American rule also had a decisive influence, leaving the country spiritually an adjunct of Hollywood, complete with its fast food culture, supersized SUVs, an unhealthy love of small firearms, and – of all things – playing basketball. This last obsession I have always found ironic in a country where Craig Bellamy would look positively lanky.

Few other sports (except perhaps boxing) get a serious look in on the local TV. Anyway, the few local football matches I have caught on the box looked like they were being played in a dustbowl by people wearing clogs.

British football, meanwhile, is mostly the preserve of the eccentric British and European expats who watch at their homes or beamed live into a few specialized bars or clubs.

These days, of course, you can follow games and scores no matter where you are living around the world, whether on cable or satellite TV, the Internet through web casts, or even cell phone updates.

It is all a far cry from 1992, when I first found myself in Manila during a crucial match. That year, of course, Liverpool were up against Sunderland in the FA Cup Final and I was desperate to watch the game.

Information was not easy to come by and I remember scooting from bar to bar in the city looking for somewhere the game might be on. I received a tip off that a luxury hotel was showing it, so headed across town and dashed around inside as the kickoff time came and went, frantically asking where the game was on. Of course, the local staff, thinking I was a couple of defenders short of a full squad, could not have been more uncomprehending had I been describing the theory of quantum physics in fluent Norwegian. Needless to say, I never did get to see the match.

By the time of the 1996 FA Cup, I had got my act together (slightly) and bought a tiny portable shortwave radio that could (on a good night) tune into the BBC World Service. On a bad night, it would leave me listening to a mass of white noise, punctuated by the occasional snatch of Hindi. I ended up listening to the game perched in the black of night on the pavement outside Guam airport. Of course, given the result, I might have wished I had not bothered. But you have to take the rough with the smooth with any team, and that was certainly the case with the ‘90s Reds.

Which all brings us to this season’s prospects? Well, as of time of writing, the Reds have made their trademark shaky start and a satisfying team balance has yet to emerge. But with their main Premiership rivals looking more vulnerable then previous years and a squad that on paper looks the most exciting in the league, I believe there is some hope for more serious success in the coming year.

And whatever the triumphs or tribulations to come, I will be here, cheering the Reds on with a few other hardy souls, who share in their agonies and ecstasies from a 7,000 mile away perch in self imposed exile.

how sad how football is so underrated in this country. I still stand by my belief that Filipinos would make better football players than basketball players. And please, we have more fields than asphalt (well, not in Metro Manila anyway), so football would be more accessible to everyone else. And you don't even need shoes to play it!

um.

haha.

maybe in time we'll realize that...

al pacino's speech in any given sunday

I don't know what to say really.
Three minutes
to the biggest battle of our professional lives
all comes down to today.
Either
we heal
as a team
or we are going to crumble.
Inch by inch
play by play
till we're finished.
We are in hell right now, gentlemen
believe me
and
we can stay here
and get the shit kicked out of us
or
we can fight our way
back into the light.
We can climb out of hell.
One inch, at a time.

Now I can't do it for you.
I'm too old.
I look around and I see these young faces
and I think
I mean
I made every wrong choice a middle age man could make.
I uh....
I pissed away all my money
believe it or not.
I chased off
anyone who has ever loved me.
And lately,
I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know when you get old in life
things get taken from you.
That's, that's part of life.
But,
you only learn that when you start losing stuff.
You find out that life is just a game of inches.
So is football.
Because in either game
life or football
the margin for error is so small.
I mean
one half step too late or to early
you don't quite make it.
One half second too slow or too fast
and you don't quite catch it.
The inches we need are everywhere around us.
They are in ever break of the game
every minute, every second.

On this team, we fight for that inch
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us
to pieces for that inch.
We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.
Cause we know
when we add up all those inches
that's going to make the fucking difference
between WINNING and LOSING
between LIVING and DYING.

I'll tell you this
in any fight
it is the guy who is willing to die
who is going to win that inch.
And I know
if I am going to have any life anymore
it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch
because that is what LIVING is.
The six inches in front of your face.

Now I can't make you do it.
You gotta look at the guy next to you.
Look into his eyes.
Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you.
You are going to see a guy
who will sacrifice himself for this team
because he knows when it comes down to it,
you are gonna do the same thing for him.

That's a team, gentlemen
and either we heal now, as a team,
or we will die as individuals.
That's football guys.
That's all it is.
Now, whattaya gonna do?

better

Definitely a better meeting than the last. We lasted til 10pm again but definitely a change from the usual meeting that would last only around an hour and a half. Even they admitted they were having fun and I didn't look tense anymore. Haha! It's only one night, one meeting, but it's definitely a start. I hate to burst my bubble and this instant high I'm feeling but I know that tomorrow, the other matters will relatively be the same. But getting over this initial hump was a big step. So i hope this is a sign of things to come. See, God really really works/moves in mysterious ways. If we can just project what we feel or how we feel to everything else we do, things would really really be.. great. haha. For lack of words to say.

ooo. rockstar replay. gotta watch.

all about me

So yes I'm afraid of showing who I really am. So here's to light funny topics to avoid the inevitable. So yes, I'm trying to pretend that everything's ok in my life. So yes, I'm that self-absorbed and that superficial. Welcome to my life.

Oh how we hate being content with our lives. How we love to screw them up. All for the drama. All for the excitement.

I have to finish this

I don't want to prolong this anymore than I should. Time to face reality, responsibility, reason, release... everything.

Oh, I'm so good at avoiding things. Hoping things will go away. But the past has a horrible way of cathing up to you and chasing you til you can never truly avoid it.

My whole life has been a lie. For the longest time, I thought I was living my life on the edge but now, I think I've been playing with that line all this time. Moving it and moving it so that the edge goes farther and I only end up stepping on the previous line. I thought took great leaps but all those leaps were in my head. I thought I shared my life and myself with others, until I realized I built wals the size of the Great Wall around me.

But why, why is it that every time I try to be sincere, or every time I actually am, everything has to blow up in my face.

Oh what I've realized these past few days: the world always wins. And here I am fighting a losing battle. A battle I was never meant to fight in the first place. Yet as always, I choose to complicate my life. And the truth? Well people never want to hear about it anyway. And now that I think about it, what truth? My truth changes everyday.

It hurts. But what the heck, at least I still know I'm capable of feeling.

org

I have an exam tomorrow. My notes are on the net but God. God. God. We just had the alumni homecoming (or should I say presidents' homecoming) in upsca.

it frightens me. standing in front of everyone, talking about upsca, sweating profusely , stuttering, and absolutely wondering if i made any sense whatsoever. thank god for the others for saving my ass--again! how did i put myself in this situation, to be in front of people who have seen and experienced upsca's glory days? to be in front of presidents who have been such an integral part of upsca and all its glory and history. and wow. how the hell did i end up there?

hearing them speaking, knowing all the challenges that we have to face and are currently facing (yup, pandagdag lang yung sinabi ng mga alumni).. it scares me. it makes me apprehensive. but it excites me.

i don't know, save for a few, what the rest of the members think of everything that's happening in the organization. come to think of it, it frightens me that i don't have a grip on them, that i don't kow what they're thinking.

why are we so afraid of change? what have we got to lose? um.. a lot. haha. but is change always a bad thing?

these are just weird random thoughts. but i dunno. i hate how this feels, how i can feel so determined and passionate about this (wow. which i realized just now that it's a very good thing considering my passion fruit's been running really low these past months), but at the same time feel so useless because i have no idea what to do about it or how to go about it.

wait. rockstar supernova. be back in a bit.

who knew I'd end up like this?

I'm an old soul unable to keep up with the changing times. What is it with me and being unable to accept change? I'm losing m grip on things and letting myself be run over.

No. I've always been open to ideas--to everything actually that I let you do what you want without any objection from me. And when I do, it sounds like I'm imposing everything on them. Hello. I listen to you, listen to me. Wait. Correction. You do listen, but here I am, fighting a losing battle.

I'm so used to getting my things my way. Welcome to the real world, Lei. Welcome to life. What took you so long?

God. I love what my friend wrote about in her blog. I love how sincere it is. I love the way she is able to grasp all her emotions and articulate them, that you feel its heartfeltness and sincerity. Something I'm never able to do. My feelings lack the clarity and depth that some people are just able to capture and put into words.

huwaw part 2

totoong huwaw naman to. Basta, nakakabilib, nakakatuwa. Ibang klase. Grabe. Acle. Reaksyon. Maraming tao. Hay. Sana tuloy tuloy na to.

16 ang huling bilang ko.

ano ba

Kasasabi ko nga lang na magbagong buhay ka... lechers naman o.

huwaw

sa totoo lang, ngayon lang uli ako nabagabag nang ganito. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ito nararamdaman ko ngayon. Siguro dahil maliban lang sa sampung minutong tulog sa tambayan, tuloy tuloy lahat ng mga gawain ko ngayon. Alam ko madalang ko lang gamitin ang rason ng "pagod" pagdating dito, (kasi naman, kelan ba ako napapagaod? Apparently, posible pala ang ganitong klaseng pagod), kaya siguro kaya ko pagbigyan sarili ko. Pero hindi eh. Hindi ako naniniwala sa mga rason, sa mga dahilan.. kung gusto mo, may paraan. kung ayaw, maraming *toot* dahilan. Hindi ko kayang gamitin ang pagod (o kung anuman bilang excuse, kung tutuusin nga dapat wala nga akong excuse eh), pero putek. Paano ako naging ganito? Yung mga ginawa ko nang nakaraan, di ko na magawa ngayon. Kung paano ako dati, sobrang ibang-iba ako ngayon.

Ang daming nangyari ngayon (actually, ang daming nangyayari ngayon) na napaisip ako ng todo. Mabuti naman yan, diba? Kesa naman wala akong ginagawa. Pero putek, hanggang kailan ko ba to kailangan pag-isipan? Kulang talaga lahat ng mga aksyon/gawain ko. Parang napapansin ko na napapansin ng mga myembro na parang wala akong ginagawa. Wala ba? Alam ko marami akong pagkukulang, pero hindi ko to bibitawan (?) nakakapagod siya talaga pero solusyon ba to? Shet. Mali ang unang sinulat ko. Natakot ako dun ah. Ba't ako napaisip ng ganyan? Umabot na ba sa ganyang lebel na iyun na ang iniisip mo? Huwag. Pero sige. Sa dami-dami kong naririnig, sa dami-daming pagpapaliwanag, eh di dapat nakahanap nako ng solusyon. Tinatanggap ko lahat ng mga sinasabi ng iba, pinapakinggan ko lahat nang sinasabi ng iba, pero hanggang dun lang ba talaga ako? Doon lang ba ako magaling? Sa pakikinig? Bakit yun ang nararamdaman ko? Na puro isip at salita lang ako. Walang aksyon. Wag naman sana.

Grabe. Ang galing mo talaga. Amg galing mo umiwas. Ba't ka ba natatakot? Hindi ka naman ganyan dati eh. Ano ba. Umayos ka na. Wag ka na magreklamo at gawin mo na ang mga kailangan mong gawin. Dapat manggaling sa yo yan eh.

Punyeta. Dapat alam ko na to e. Wala akong excuse para di ko siya malaman. Pero bakit eto nararamdaman ko? Na parang ngayon lang ako nakaranas nito o na parang ngayon ko lang siya na-encounter sa buhay ko. Eh hindi naman eh. Ikaw dapat. Sa lahat ng tao, ikaw dapat ang nakakaalam kung ano dapat gawin. Hello! O ang feeling ko lang ba? Masyado ba akong feeling? Hay. Kung sinuman ang nakakabasa nito, pasensya na sa aking tagalog. Tama ba naman to? Na ipost ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko ngayong araw na to. Bakit, ano bang masama sa emosyon? Ang importante lang naman ay kung ano ba gagawin mo sa mga emosyon na yun? Naks. Parang alam talaga kung ano sinasabi ko.

Wag na. Magbagong buhay ka na. Walang mapapala kung ganito ka lang. Okidoks? Shet. Lalong sumakit ulo ko.

just arrived home

I just got home. As in I haven't stepped in my room yet and here I am on the pc typing away. I just came from Mel's house and had another marathon. The second season's starting to bore us. We want action!! Haha!

Today/yesterday was just not my day for jeeps. At all. For some reason, I've been having nothing but bad luck with jeeps today. The two jeeps on the way to andrew's house took forever to move. And all three jeeps on the way home tonight turned every corner/intersection into a terminal.

Have you checked out the night sky tonight? It's past 12am but it still looks as if there are stil a few minutes left til evening. It's insanely bright out and it actually looks quite nice. I ended taking my time walking to the house and unlocking the door. The good thing about it was for once, I didn't trip on my way to the door and I was able to see where I was going. Yipee!!

I dunno if I should classify my day as crap or not. Had a crap exam, for sure (tsk tsk tsk.. That's what happens when I do not study organic chem at all, knowing full well it was going to appear in the exam). I felt like crap for the two committees holding activities today. Things are definitely declining and I have no idea how to stop it or what to do about it. Years of experience (whether firsthand or secondhand) still hsan't taught me anything. Oh Lord.

Read a passage from Angels and Demons today while waiting for Mel to finish Christine's homework. It mentioned St. Francis' Prayer. Which of course I don't remember.

john mayer song number two

mystupidmouthbyjohnmayer

my stupid mouth / has got me in trouble / i said too much again / to a date over dinner yesterday / and I could see / she was offended / she said "well anyway..." / just dying for a subject change // oh, it's another social casualty / score one more for me / how could I forget? / mama said "think before speaking" / no filter in my head / oh, what's a boy to do / i guess he better find one soon // we bit our lips / she looked out the window / rolling tiny balls of napkin paper / i played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker / and I could see clearly / an indelible line was drawn / between what was good / what just slipped out and what went wrong // oh, the way she feels about me has changed / thanks for playing, try again. / how could i forget? / mama said "think before speaking" / no filter in my head / oh, what's a boy to do / i guess he better find one / i'm never speaking up again / it only hurts me / i'd rather be a mystery / than she desert me // oh i'm never speaking up again / starting now // one more thing / why is it my fault? / so maybe i try too hard / but it's all because of this desire / i just wanna be liked / i just wanna be funny / looks like the joke's on me / so call me captain backfire // i'm never speaking up again / it only hurts me / i'd rather be a mystery / than she desert me // oh i'm never speaking up again / starting now //

pretend you're alive

So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high, and pretend that you're alive again...

now, why would you do that?

I wonder why I wanted to check that out in the first place. I can be impulsive about everything. Except this. Is that a good thing?

Mel and I finished season 1 of L word last friday night/saturday morning and we would have watched more of season 2 if enzo didn't wake up for the upcat and if mel didn't have to wake up at 7am.

We had one of our really long, conceited, oversharing, analytic conversations that only the two of us seem to understand. Funny how we can talk about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but still find something new or interesting to say about those things.

Prior to that, everything was just really messed up. Horrible results in my exams.. Plans not going according to plan... Gawsh. I have to find some way of un-messing up things. I can think of several ways actually, but really, would I want to be bored with my life again?

So here's to failing more exams and screwing all my plans. Here's to something spontaneous.



God, girl. You cannot be serious.

monday boredom

more random doodles during ms 101..


Thanks to bry for introducing me to that song. :)

really?

Urg.

i love it

Just copying ally's and (currently-- hopefully) mel's favorite expression. Better day than normal. I had no 230 class today (yesterday actually, its almost 1am) so mel and I had our L word marathon. Nearly done with the first season. Although I pretty much know what's going to happen in the next few episodes (and seasons), shit, it's so different when you're actually watching it. After the GA in upsca, we ended up marathon-ing again. finished about 4 discs today. goodness...

;jaic;fmgka;gaoirgawqkomfea;'emda';fe'aeanglfm ba';pwekjawmjfap'jtr

funky

I seriously have to get myself out of this current funk I'm in. Gawd. I'm so bored with my life. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. It's such a struggle to wake up for school and to stay awake in class. Heck, I even started cutting class cause I had nothing to do. Which is rarely the case. I usually have a reason for cutting class, stupid reasons they may be (like watching a movie or eating out or something), but I never cut for nothing. (haha, justifying my cutting classes :P) Org(s) life? Errrr... Hahahaha.

Oh well, at least Urbandub gave me some sort of high Friday night. 6 songs. And I finally heard them perform Frailty. Prefer the album version though. But good times with Urbandub and kay, jaimar, nikkiboi, jenks and ally (the urbandub virgin. haha)

C'mon. Light my fire, beybeh. Gimme some life. Gimme some excitement.

Ooooh. Kimi on pole for the German Grand Prix. Goodie. :) C'mon, Mclaren, don't screw up.

Before I forget, I said the wrong thing last Friday during evening praise. We were talking about fears and I said the usual: not meeting expectations, career, family, snore, snore. It hit me that it was losing my passion for life that scares me. I feel like my internal supply of drugs is running out or I'm just living with its side effects. Haha. That's a horrible analogy. But gawd, can life be any more stagnant? I need something spontaneous, exciting.

urbandub

Happiness. :)

Urbandub concert in UP Bahay ng Alumni [plus other bands, but urbandub is urbandub) with jenks, ally, kay, nikki and jaimar. What a sight to see, seeing the whole crowd sway and move to first of summer. Kinda sucks how people only knew them now (the urbandub elitist in me is wanting to get out). but hay. oh well. such is life. and people get to hear what an amazing amazing group they are. Finally, after several urbandub encounters, this is the firs time I heard them play Frailty. Waiting for that for so long. So so long. Album version is better. But still. Frailty is frailty.

I swear, I get so hypnotized just watching them. I have this little world of my own with my jumps, screams and arm movements.

Ally's first time to watch u-dub. Wonder why. :P Kinda hard to imagine her in a rock concert but hey, it's all for her love of first of summer. Haha.

Juan Pablo Dream was so entertaining. First time I saw them perform. First time I heard them, actually. (Ok, now all you JPD elitists can bonk me on the head right about now.) I love lead singer's (faux) british accent. Haha, anything british I love. And demm. He can really move and groove.

Urg. Head gurts. Not making sense. Need sleep.

PS. Got an urbandub shirt too!! :D

i love stevie

Because the insert picture option of blogger was kinda messed up the other day, I'll just post stevie's pic now.

unproductive

I've had quite an unproductive weekend. And I'm so tempted to post all my nonsense on lj, but I shall resist. No reason to flood my friends' friends' page. So to you, my dear anonymous reader(s?), I shall provide you with an account of my past few days.

If productivity were measured in...
1. Finishing an 816 page book (The Historian) in a litle less than a day
2. Cataloguing all the songs of my previous (read: high school) compilations..
3. And taking note what songs I should download since the cds are starting to fall apart
4. Finding a really nice shot of Stevie Gerrard
5. Creating a backup for all my files (traumatic for your yahoo account to be hacked-- in addition to all those emails and memories, it also acts as my temporary file storage)
6. Trying on my different jackets to see what best suits this weather
7. Changing rooms and seating arrangements to accommodate my long reading hours...
8. Constantly doing neck and back exercises
9. Watching the growing crisis in the Middle East
10. Writing many pages in my journal (yes, in addition to lj and blogger, I have my handwritten journal. Jeez, I really must love reading my own words as opposed to actually speaking them)

..... Then I would have had a very productive day.

Spent the most part of my day realizing, though. Not very pleasant thoughts, now that I think about it. Durned book. I thought about how rarely I think of the future. The future meaning ten years from now. The most I can make out of my life as of now is me, five years from now. And even so, it isn't even a clear picture of who I am and what I want to be doing. All I know is, I'm studying. What, where, all those details are all a blur. I suppose this is a more optimistic note than the image I had for myself at twenty when I was 15 or less years old. Let's see, at twenty, I'd be dead. Now that's a cheerful thought. Teenage/high school angst mixed with unfortunate circumstances? Maybe. But we all went through our own stages of high school angst/bitterness/me-against-the-world sort of thing. At that time, could I ever have predicted a life of twenty like this?

And what life of twenty is this? Two decades of my life. Is this burnout I'm feeling? My detachment to everything that should be important to me. Insensitive. Desensitized. One of those. I've forgotten how to laugh, to cry, to be angry, to be ecstatic-- to truly feel emotions. To let myself FEEL. Looking back on these past ew months, I realized how my life has been so devoid of emotion. and how it's just been full of a passiveness that I don't recall I had in me. Of calmly accepting things. Of letting things control me. Of shrugging my shoulders at everything. Of straing blankly into space.

I'm still waiting for that baptism of rain like Natalie Portman's in V for Vendetta.

So here's to the twenty-something madness every twenty-something is feeling. But I'm not even twenty-something. My god, I just turned twenty.

Hah. I'm not making sense. There's a point here somewhere. Me thinks I should roganize my thoughts some more.

On a side note, I try so hard to run away from it, but damn, you're just a harder and faster runner.

high school musical!!

Hehe, had nothing to do when I got home since my parents weren't home so I decided to go to Metrowalk. So tempting to splurge on dvds there pero may suki nako. *ahem, ahem * hahaha! Besides, they didn't have the dvds I was looking for, so I'll come back at a later time. I ended up buying just one dvd-- HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! Hahahaha!! At oh my lord, it's so juvenile, but it's so damn fun! It's pacute, exagg, cheesy, corny.. in short, it's the perfect guilty pleasure!


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Good thing Nina and I decided to go to the UPCAT tutorials even if we were insanely late for the afternoon session. My first time there in a loooong time. I had no idea what it was, but there was something about that place that brought so much peace. Staring at the clouds hanging over Montalban, leaning out the ledge of the 3rd floor, feeling the wind and the rain on your face made me all emo. [even that statement was emo.] So emo, I ended up texting whoever came to mind. So emo, I nearly cried just staring out. Who knew Payatas could give me so much peace? Haha. Loser.

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I hate how Sir Art is so intent on boring us all to death. The class is sports psychology and I swear, I cannot understand how he can make something as interesting as that be completely boring. Three hours every saturday is torture. How is it possible that psych can be boring? I have no idea how he does it.

Anyway... I found a new boredom buster that kept me company throughout the whole period. Blame the mean girls for leaving me with so little options. Anyway, I ended up doodling some stuff, which Ally ended up loving. (hmm, I wonder why. hahaha!) So ally baby, this is for you. :)

So here I am

It's a Friday night and I'm home. Normally, I wouldn't be home this early, I'd still be out. Most likely drinking, yep, even if I've got class tomorrow.

So what brings me here on a Friday night? Who knows.

What's the point in all this screaming, no one's listening anyway..

I think I'll go to bed. Events of this day are catching up. Screw biochem. This is the first time I felt this h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e after taking an exam. I normally feel like crap when I get the results. But this, this is different. After about a week (or two) of finally deciding this is what I want to do with my life, I get a horrible reality check. Rude awakening, if you may. I mean, I definitely know I put a LOT of effort in studying for tis exam, which is a far cry from my usual study habits. Heck. I barely even have any study habits, so this is a step in the right direction. And I can't even give myself a pat on the back knowing I could at least be proud of myself for that, but it's just horrible, horrible to realize that I may not be cut out for this class or for this future. I know it's been a horrible week for a lot of people and I know people who've had it worse than me, but come on. Am i not allowed to feel horrible too? And I know I should be strong for them, but just leave me alone with what I'm feeling. Let me wallow in my misery.

I've got to get a grip on myself. And just hang on to something. Just give me something real to hold on to.

it's been a while

Here's to sudden bouts of drowsiness/narcolepsy/whatnot these past few days that made me forget about everything I'm supposed to blog about. So now my thoughts are a muddled mess. And Nicole Kidman's hair in The Interpreter is not helping things.

Why is my playlist intent on playing all my oldies songs? I have yet to hear a song that was released during the 90s and onwards...

It's kind of funny how after 3 years of the same thing (more or less), it's only now that I've ever felt this lost and this alone. Something about being there in that situation kind of puts a lot of things in perspective. Come to think of it, what perspective am I talking about? I seem to have no perspective at all of what's been happening. Me being incompetent, Me lacking in self-confidence, me lacking trust in them, me being unable to get a grip on things inside, me being afraid of people seeing right through me, me being uncomfortable when God knows I shouldn't be.. God, who knows. And the thing is, I can't seem to pinpoint a particular thing. So strange.

There are times when I really wish I just didn't care. I wish I could go on with my life and not think about this. Not think about anyone, anything and just go on with my life. I've never been good at hanging on to things, yet after 3 years, here I am. Stuck here. C'mon, suck it up.

So there. In lots of vague sentences, that pretty much sums up what I've been feeling the past few weeks (and maybe months). But after a phone call, a lunch date and a homily... Let it be. Just relax. So this was what he was saying, how a homily always ends up giving us the answers when we're lost, when we're confused, when we need guidance.

That's not to say that things from now on will be simpler (when will they ever be?) or that things will change overnight.

Hm. I'm not quite sure how to end this entry. Let's just leave it hanging and wait and see.

new

It's probably nothing (and I'm a fool for thinking it could be anything more), but how could nothing mean everything?

emo trip

I've been listening to a lot of dashboard confessional lately. Not really because I want to, for some reason, the songs suddenly start playing.

What is it with me and trying to relate very song I hear to my life?

Your love is a fast song, and I'm dancing cause I'm in love with you..

not by dashboard, but it's playing now and it's making me giddy and happy. And really I have to stop being so pathetic and cheesy.

And there are so many things I want to say but I'm crap at writing.
My mind is going blank right now.

at 12.23 am

In a few hours, I'd be on a bus to school never to be heard from again (well, not really, i just like to exaggerate things) and I'm going through all this for what might be the last time for the next 9 days. Why'm I even making such a big deal out of this?

I think you would prolly laugh if you found out all the stuff I've been writing about here have been nothing but about you...

I'm on this sentimental road trip to nowhere. I'm on this happy rollercoaster ride with no definite end in sight. I'm this song that plays on and on. And I'm this insanely cheesy sap who cried just a little too much while reading stepehen king. Who cries while reading stephen king, anyway?

Your love is in motion.. And it's spining me around again..
Your love is a fast song.. And I'm dancing cause I'm in love with you...

And I'm thankful. smile. =)

Waiting, waiting for you to go online. Silly smile is on my face.

Random, random thoughts.. That was the first time I ever did something like that. Wasn't sure if it was likeable or edible. It looked more like the latter than the former. Haha.

I usually make more sense in this blog than in the lj.. Oh no. Not really. And to think I ended up bashing my math prof for his weirdness. He should bash me back. *bash bash bash*

waiting, waiting, waiting..

go ahead, ask me

If anyone asked me right now how I'm feeling, I would say the same thing I've been saying the past few weeks: scared as hell, scared to death. Scared of responsibility, scared of growing up, scared of trying to do all the righ things, scared of screwing up. All that bullshit.

Then people woud rush to my side and try to reassure me, that the fears are normal, I won't go through it alone, there's a first time for everything and what the hell lei, you can do it!

But what the hell, can anyone blame me for feeling this way? I can't screw this up. I've lost all my chances for screwing up. It will be one hell of an experience, that much I'm sure....

I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be writing about. My head is aching, my eyes are blinking every now and then and my body is threatening to collapse. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be saying now.

reposting

here's something I saw while going through my posts and all my drafts..

hehehe

My heart nearly stopped when I saw you online. What made it worse was that I was re-reading the entry about you. And you want to know what makes it even worse? That song that i associate with you is playing. Geez, talk about signs.

There's a dopey smile on my face right now. A smile that's not supposed to be there. I have 30 minutes to chat with you before I call this off and eat lunch.

Oh dear me, what did I get myself into?

scripted

I hate planning these posts. Here's to trying to not state the obvious.

What is it with me and always wanting to complicate my life? I seem to always want to bring all these problems to myself. I knew I shouldn't have let it happen. It wasn't supposed to, but as always, I put meaning in the simplest of things. And me forever assuming and forever wanting, knowing fully well I'm not supposed to want it. And hey, it's bad for my health. It's bad for my well being.

In the long run, it's gonna be even worse.

So much for trying to be someone better than I was the year before.