Here's something I've been thinking about the past few nights:
I want to graduate. The thought frightens me that with this downward spiral I'm in, things will get worse before they get better. Or I'll forget what it's like to have self-control and what sacrifice is. The past few months have left me taking the easy way out and how the smallest failure affects me so much, that I try to move past it and beyond, but I can't. A part of me still wonders whether I truly am over what happened last year, since by all outward appearances, I'm doing fine; I'm smiling again, I'm less stressed, I have more time for everyone, etc. But then I remember the Toni Gonzaga song and that maybe I should be singing its opposite: how can something so right be so wrong all along?
I'm going off track. Here's the thing: I'm scared I won't be able to graduate. I have nothing against people who delay-- a lot of my good friends I've made over the years in UP have extended their stay one way or another. I'm apprehensive that my delay will be caused by no apparent reason. Or simply because I just didn't feel like it. Or what the hell, I suddenly stopped caring. That just because my plans of graduating in four and a half years didn't push through, I just don't care anymore. Or just because I have no more life plan, that's it.
Speaking of, why did I give in so easily to my parents when they said I couldn't take med. Hello, I NEVER give in to my parents. I could've at least TRIED to take the NMAT, made some effort,i dunno, SOMETHING! But no, I just allowed it to happen that I would not take the NMAT or the LAE or something. And oh blah.
I don't want to go out in the real world. I want to stay where everything is safe and familiar, where I have so much freedom, where I know what's comfortable. Or better yet, I want to stay in the place where people know me and I know them-- know them that I can be intimate and whoever I want to be with them. Where else can I find that but in UP?
It scares me that I am slowly unraveling. That my determination over the past few years has just gone out the window. I know I'm not stupid, but why do I let myself become so? Why is it such a big deal to let people know your stupidity? When you know you're more than that. I'm better than this.
I have to learn how to get a grip on myself before I lose myself completely.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
oh drama
Gone are the days of screaming and shouting and crying in the org. I'm not so sure if that's a good thing or not. Maybe the members or apps this year are better or maybe we're just more forgiving. Haha I don't know. I try to be the bad guy but all I could see is goodness and hope. Cheesy as it is but I guess I've been looking at it the wrong way for the longest time. Always looking at the future and its goals and all its promise. But then I don't know what I'm saying.
Oh what is this.
I'm frustrated at how time moves way too fast and way too slow sometimes. How I feel that every moment is not enough and even with those moments, I feel like I'm still running out of time. And this is what I've been missing all those years. They don't need me but I need them. To love and be loved like that. Like what Rita said, everything is a race against time. And I feel like I'll never have enough words or enough time to say what I feel.
****
additional: I guess i think it's funny how I never expected this would be happening to me. It always was how other people would say goodbye. I never thought the time would come that I'd be the one saying it.
Oh what is this.
I'm frustrated at how time moves way too fast and way too slow sometimes. How I feel that every moment is not enough and even with those moments, I feel like I'm still running out of time. And this is what I've been missing all those years. They don't need me but I need them. To love and be loved like that. Like what Rita said, everything is a race against time. And I feel like I'll never have enough words or enough time to say what I feel.
****
additional: I guess i think it's funny how I never expected this would be happening to me. It always was how other people would say goodbye. I never thought the time would come that I'd be the one saying it.
not so nice turned nice
It's nice to think when you don't have alcohol in you.
1. I'm so glad you'll be staying for good. :)
2. I overthought something and now I'm second guessing myself wondering if it's worth it.
3. Thesis shmesis scares me. I realized I shouldn't be thinking about after graduation cause graduation ain't over yet. Haha! Too forward thinking of me.
4. It's amazing how I can't feel what you're going through. Or well I end up feeling the wrong thing. And it gets worse. Agh. This is frustrating.
5. Amazing how things have changed. But how so much more have stayed the same. Or so I think.
6. This is nice. :) Very nice. I could get used to it after months of trying to figure it out. I still am, but like I said, it's nice.
I hate how cryptic I am here.
1. I'm so glad you'll be staying for good. :)
2. I overthought something and now I'm second guessing myself wondering if it's worth it.
3. Thesis shmesis scares me. I realized I shouldn't be thinking about after graduation cause graduation ain't over yet. Haha! Too forward thinking of me.
4. It's amazing how I can't feel what you're going through. Or well I end up feeling the wrong thing. And it gets worse. Agh. This is frustrating.
5. Amazing how things have changed. But how so much more have stayed the same. Or so I think.
6. This is nice. :) Very nice. I could get used to it after months of trying to figure it out. I still am, but like I said, it's nice.
I hate how cryptic I am here.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
ms brightside
Jealous me. I can't do anything to stop it. One was enough but this.. This? Somehow I know something will happen to make it all right again. But I'm not going to be all right.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
going back
How do you make up for four years of never being there? Of realizing that this is it. That this is all that matters. That yes you are free to choose your own path, but always in the end, you'd go back to it? Over and over again and realize that you should have stayed.
the second (it must be the passion fruit)
hahahaha
the first happened. let's move on to the next. strangely enough, it hasn't hit me yet that last night was the last induction i'd be going to. As a member anyway. It's not sinking in yet, the drama, the emotions, all that jazz. Good thing I guess. I'm apprehensive but at the same time hopeful for the upcoming batch. In the interviews it was said that all that we asked from them was to be themselves. And now as members, that's all we can give them: ourselves. Nothing else. Because that is who we are. That's what makes us us. That's the distinct flavor we bring out. And I hope that that is enough. For them to stay. To not just stay but play active roles. To continue to strive harder. To believe that it is possible to do anything once you believe in others. That it is possible to love unconditionally. More than anything, I hope they see that. That beyond the fun times and pusoy cards at the tambayan is a group of people willing to unite together under any circumstance and bring out the goodness in each other. It is a bunch of people so passionate about each other. And I do wish that they grow with it, that our being ourselves is enough.
the first happened. let's move on to the next. strangely enough, it hasn't hit me yet that last night was the last induction i'd be going to. As a member anyway. It's not sinking in yet, the drama, the emotions, all that jazz. Good thing I guess. I'm apprehensive but at the same time hopeful for the upcoming batch. In the interviews it was said that all that we asked from them was to be themselves. And now as members, that's all we can give them: ourselves. Nothing else. Because that is who we are. That's what makes us us. That's the distinct flavor we bring out. And I hope that that is enough. For them to stay. To not just stay but play active roles. To continue to strive harder. To believe that it is possible to do anything once you believe in others. That it is possible to love unconditionally. More than anything, I hope they see that. That beyond the fun times and pusoy cards at the tambayan is a group of people willing to unite together under any circumstance and bring out the goodness in each other. It is a bunch of people so passionate about each other. And I do wish that they grow with it, that our being ourselves is enough.
Friday, October 19, 2007
the first of many plus other jumbled thoughts
the first of many lasts.
The last sembreak.
The last time I will see letters distributed to the applicants telling them their status.
The last first sem.
The last last day of first sem.
The last time I will CRS.
And in the next few days, the last induction.
Start the drama.
I refused to feel anything because well, honestly, I couldn't. But sitting here in the basement of our house and thinking of something to write cause I'm not really in the mood to read anything just yet.
What can change in one semester? More than I'm afraid to admit, I'm afraid. It has always has been about the fear of change. The fear of the familiar going away, of being obsolete. The fear of finding something new and trying to reconcile it with what you have in the present. And then the fear that the world does not stop, not for you, not for silly realizations. Not for any of that-- and you have to learn how to cope, how to deal with what's there, with the inevitable, with subtle changes and the not so subtle ones.
Here it is. The homestretch. But come from behind wins always remind us to remain aware and stay vigilant and not be complacent and not settle with what's there. Because you know what, they could be right: the world always wins. And sometimes you're just too small to fight against the world.
The feeling of being lost and alone isn't bothering me as much as it should, but it should. I have no idea what's in store for me next semester. And then after that, the life of "What next?" and "Where to?"
I wonder if my family felt any of this. They always seem so sure of themselves-- that they knew what they wanted even before they graduated from college. And I admire them so much, for having the courage to step outside their boundaries and all that they knew and explored something different and completely made it their own.
I used to be so damn sure of myself. That I was going to volunteer for a year after college and then start at the lower ranks of some NGO then slowly make my way up. Or be a hotshot doctor in Medecins Sans Frontieres. Or recently, be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. Or how Law popped up briefly until I realized that I needed a ton of units to be qualified for it.
I've slowed down so much this semester. I used to be able to work and love doing it. I tell myself I needed this break, that if I didn't, I would burn out like hell and that I needed the time for myself. But what have I really accomplished this sem? "What do you want-- a life of meaning or a life of happiness? You can't have both." -- from Heroes. And well yeah, I had so much fun. But I've had way too much fun for my own good.
And well, we have all those grand plans now don't we? And why do I feel that I won't be a part of the grand-er plan?
I think I can run pretty good but the world just runs so much faster. Run like hell and just keep running.
The last sembreak.
The last time I will see letters distributed to the applicants telling them their status.
The last first sem.
The last last day of first sem.
The last time I will CRS.
And in the next few days, the last induction.
Start the drama.
I refused to feel anything because well, honestly, I couldn't. But sitting here in the basement of our house and thinking of something to write cause I'm not really in the mood to read anything just yet.
What can change in one semester? More than I'm afraid to admit, I'm afraid. It has always has been about the fear of change. The fear of the familiar going away, of being obsolete. The fear of finding something new and trying to reconcile it with what you have in the present. And then the fear that the world does not stop, not for you, not for silly realizations. Not for any of that-- and you have to learn how to cope, how to deal with what's there, with the inevitable, with subtle changes and the not so subtle ones.
Here it is. The homestretch. But come from behind wins always remind us to remain aware and stay vigilant and not be complacent and not settle with what's there. Because you know what, they could be right: the world always wins. And sometimes you're just too small to fight against the world.
The feeling of being lost and alone isn't bothering me as much as it should, but it should. I have no idea what's in store for me next semester. And then after that, the life of "What next?" and "Where to?"
I wonder if my family felt any of this. They always seem so sure of themselves-- that they knew what they wanted even before they graduated from college. And I admire them so much, for having the courage to step outside their boundaries and all that they knew and explored something different and completely made it their own.
I used to be so damn sure of myself. That I was going to volunteer for a year after college and then start at the lower ranks of some NGO then slowly make my way up. Or be a hotshot doctor in Medecins Sans Frontieres. Or recently, be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. Or how Law popped up briefly until I realized that I needed a ton of units to be qualified for it.
I've slowed down so much this semester. I used to be able to work and love doing it. I tell myself I needed this break, that if I didn't, I would burn out like hell and that I needed the time for myself. But what have I really accomplished this sem? "What do you want-- a life of meaning or a life of happiness? You can't have both." -- from Heroes. And well yeah, I had so much fun. But I've had way too much fun for my own good.
And well, we have all those grand plans now don't we? And why do I feel that I won't be a part of the grand-er plan?
I think I can run pretty good but the world just runs so much faster. Run like hell and just keep running.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
this is (almost) it
End of the sem blues are making me needy and emotional. One more sem. What's next?
Friday, September 28, 2007
and that's the way this wheel keeps working now..
I was going for the emo post then I thought better off it. John Mayer's Wheel is playing-- haven;t heard this song in a while and haha, this and a text are threatening to bring out the emo in me.
I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me.
Ok. There. That's it. I just had to post those lyrics.
My ego has been shot down today. I wrote this in my other blog but I'm going to say it again: this "real world" shit is hard. You always want something more. And well, whoever you thought you were, time to start questioning yourself all over again.
I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give return to me.
Ok. There. That's it. I just had to post those lyrics.
My ego has been shot down today. I wrote this in my other blog but I'm going to say it again: this "real world" shit is hard. You always want something more. And well, whoever you thought you were, time to start questioning yourself all over again.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
the odd jobs I wanna try
Just for the heck of it all. The bunch of things I wanna do right after I graduate, before I actually get a hold on my life and figure out what kind of "career" I want;
1. barista. I really really want this. Last summer, I was so close to being one, but dammit, dammit for my inconsistencies.
2. work in Fully Booked. Speaking of inconsistencies, this was the absolute worst. I was there already. I was there!! But dammit for indecisiveness. I could've been at the harry potter book launch. I could've been at the opening if FB in High Street. But no. Oh no. This is sad.
3. be one of those Outward Bound type of guides. The ones that tag along during class field trips to mountains, beaches, etc. That's just way too cool. I love the outdoors.
4. bartender. Simply because I want someone sing me T-Pain's song when I am one. Haha kidding. Guys, come on. Something good must come out of alcohol. Besides, it gives me an excuse to be out late all the time and be at gigs of bands I love. And well, being around people is fun.
5. flight attendant. Simply because I want to travel. As in really travel. And deym, they pay well. Freakishly well.
1. barista. I really really want this. Last summer, I was so close to being one, but dammit, dammit for my inconsistencies.
2. work in Fully Booked. Speaking of inconsistencies, this was the absolute worst. I was there already. I was there!! But dammit for indecisiveness. I could've been at the harry potter book launch. I could've been at the opening if FB in High Street. But no. Oh no. This is sad.
3. be one of those Outward Bound type of guides. The ones that tag along during class field trips to mountains, beaches, etc. That's just way too cool. I love the outdoors.
4. bartender. Simply because I want someone sing me T-Pain's song when I am one. Haha kidding. Guys, come on. Something good must come out of alcohol. Besides, it gives me an excuse to be out late all the time and be at gigs of bands I love. And well, being around people is fun.
5. flight attendant. Simply because I want to travel. As in really travel. And deym, they pay well. Freakishly well.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
kaleidoscope
you know me
how troubled i can be
but through your kaleidoscope
i let go
cause you show me
the world as it could be
through your kaleidoscope
it's beautiful
how troubled i can be
but through your kaleidoscope
i let go
cause you show me
the world as it could be
through your kaleidoscope
it's beautiful
Monday, August 06, 2007
Saturday, August 04, 2007
killer line
I read this in my friend's blog: To love, is not to love until it hurts, but to love until it stops hurting.
And now I see why I've gotten it wrong all this time. I may be getting way ahead of myself with all these wonderful realizations, but then there is no reason to deny myself happiness.
And now I see why I've gotten it wrong all this time. I may be getting way ahead of myself with all these wonderful realizations, but then there is no reason to deny myself happiness.
i'm back :)
I finally get it. I suddenly had this great realization which I hope was not brought upon by too much alcohol. After years of telling people what to do or how to act, I finally am listening to my own advice. It was as if someone turned on a gigantic lightbulb in my head. That something that I was sorely missing this past year (or years?) is back. And I realized I haven't felt this alive in such a LONG time--no, not even with the view from Mt. Tangisan staring at you. So here it is, the great realization: acceptance and moving on for yourself. Ambaduy no? Life's great secret. Haha! It took a while (like years?) for those words to sink in . Yeah, I'm kinda slow on the uptake. At four in the morning (Yey for Gwen Stefani!), I suddenly realized what I had to do and wanted to do or do not. I don't want to settle--for what's there, for mediocrity, for whatever. I want to be a productive member of society and finally do the things I've been putting off for a long time. Little steps formed in my head, sort of showing me the way. This doesn't mean that everything is crystal clear, though. I still have no idea what to do for my thesis or what to do after college, but I'm gonna work like hell with what I've got and make damn sure it's the best thing I do.
My only worry? I hope this is not brought on by an onslaught of endorphins and the remnants of alcohol.
My only worry? I hope this is not brought on by an onslaught of endorphins and the remnants of alcohol.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Saturday, July 14, 2007
self-centered
This is rather self-centered, only because I've been thinking about it the past few weeks and even more so these past few days.
I've never given much thought about my body or not as much as others anyway. Simply because I always felt there was nothing to worry about. Sure, there came the insecurity bouts and the, "Deym, I want that body.." moments, but all in all, I was pretty contented with who I was and what shape I was in. I used to think my metabolism was invincible, that I could eat or drink anything and everything and get away with it. Or all I had to do was exercise a little, then yey, my stomach would go back to normal.
Then this semester came along. And we had to take skinfold measures of each other and get each other's measurements. And then I stepped on the BIA scale to find my percent body fat. And I didn't need to take a sum of skinfolds to know I'm higher than average. Even my co-interns were surprised that that was how big I was. And the BIA test (which is a relatively reliable and valid test) confirmed it. I'm overfat.
But here's the weird thing: I'm underweight but overfat. How is that possible. I am underweight by a couple of pounds but there it was: I'm overfat. I just want to say that line over and over again.
So here it is, to anyone reading this, take care of your bodies. I swear, you will regret all those drinks and all that icky fatty food you ingested. The effects of all those show up sooner than you think. Crap.
And you, I blame you. For making me drink ALL that. For all those wasted, wasted drunken moments and for making me feel like crap and for making me lose faith in myself. For making me wallow in misery and for making me just want to sleep all the time and not care about anything else. And for taking away all that physical activity.
Bitter me.
I've never given much thought about my body or not as much as others anyway. Simply because I always felt there was nothing to worry about. Sure, there came the insecurity bouts and the, "Deym, I want that body.." moments, but all in all, I was pretty contented with who I was and what shape I was in. I used to think my metabolism was invincible, that I could eat or drink anything and everything and get away with it. Or all I had to do was exercise a little, then yey, my stomach would go back to normal.
Then this semester came along. And we had to take skinfold measures of each other and get each other's measurements. And then I stepped on the BIA scale to find my percent body fat. And I didn't need to take a sum of skinfolds to know I'm higher than average. Even my co-interns were surprised that that was how big I was. And the BIA test (which is a relatively reliable and valid test) confirmed it. I'm overfat.
But here's the weird thing: I'm underweight but overfat. How is that possible. I am underweight by a couple of pounds but there it was: I'm overfat. I just want to say that line over and over again.
So here it is, to anyone reading this, take care of your bodies. I swear, you will regret all those drinks and all that icky fatty food you ingested. The effects of all those show up sooner than you think. Crap.
And you, I blame you. For making me drink ALL that. For all those wasted, wasted drunken moments and for making me feel like crap and for making me lose faith in myself. For making me wallow in misery and for making me just want to sleep all the time and not care about anything else. And for taking away all that physical activity.
Bitter me.
Monday, July 09, 2007
the tables have turned
How the world turns upside down.
It reminds me of the scene in Pirates 3 where they flipped the boat around to get to the other side, then the world turned around too.
Funny really what can change in one year. I'm not sure if I do regret anything that has happened the past year, but what the hell. Live and let live.
I'm finding more and more reasons to do so. =)
It reminds me of the scene in Pirates 3 where they flipped the boat around to get to the other side, then the world turned around too.
Funny really what can change in one year. I'm not sure if I do regret anything that has happened the past year, but what the hell. Live and let live.
I'm finding more and more reasons to do so. =)
Sunday, June 10, 2007
crashed from halo-halo
I haven't been writing anything cheerful here as of late. It's always something depressing or I always find something to complain about. It's the blog no one knows about or no one reads. It's the blog that I think the rest of the world has a better chance of finding. And I don't care.
It's insane how I can crash this hard from Chowking Halo-halo.
I'm looking for depressing music cause I love how it makes me feel. I am such a masochist. Grade school days, anyone? I remember something Ms. Quesada told me when I went back to my high school, "You were a really troubled/depressed person back in high school, noh?" Was I really? I don't think so. Although I really should know better than to listen to Ms. Quesada..
I lost my train of thought cause I was busy updating lj. Boo.
It's insane how I can crash this hard from Chowking Halo-halo.
I'm looking for depressing music cause I love how it makes me feel. I am such a masochist. Grade school days, anyone? I remember something Ms. Quesada told me when I went back to my high school, "You were a really troubled/depressed person back in high school, noh?" Was I really? I don't think so. Although I really should know better than to listen to Ms. Quesada..
I lost my train of thought cause I was busy updating lj. Boo.
this red book
This red book by pinback is such a beautiful beautiful song. I honestly have no idea what the song means, cause Pinback's lyrics are incomprehensible that way, but I love how it depresses me. I love the Uh-oh in the song, as if, yes, it were really meant. I've been downloading new music again, yey for me! I really need an mp3 player or something. I want to make playlists and organize my music. By genre, by solo/band, by male/female/lgbt, by country, by decade...
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
going back on what i said
In reference to my previous post, what comes with mellow-ness and peace is this sometimes insane desire for my life to just HAPPEN.
Something is always happening to someone, so why can't it be me?
Something is always happening to someone, so why can't it be me?
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
hush now
After our medyo inuman at Cantina and on the way to the MRT station, Mico asked if I was tired. Maybe it had something to do with the sudden silence in his car, as opposed to all the screaming and shouting we did in Cantina. Kasi namannnnnnnnn... haha another story for another day. Pero anyway, I couldn't really find a reason for my silence so I just told him, "Ah, hindi. Napaisip lang ako." About what? Mostly about the latter part of what was said in Cantina. Then I told him it was just nice to hear and listen to all those things being said (yes, I'm being very vague here). We both laughed and agreed that yup, it is very healthy to let things out and just vent and just let people (whether they're your friends or complete strangers) knock some sense in your head.
So anyway, I just realized why I was so quiet then. (I get these really late realizations-- they happen when I don't need them haha) My life has definitely mellowed out in recent times. There's a (lot) less of everything-- less action, less "alam-mo-ba-kung-ano-nangyari-sakin??" moments, less craziness, less violence (huwa??)... But hopefully, no less laughter nor life. (Ang labo ng sentence na yun, but I really should stop giving myself side comments). And guess what. I kind of like it this way. I like this mellow-ness. I like how my life has definitely plateau-d these past few days/weeks/months. True, I still look for adventure and something new and crazy and fun and stupid to do, but I think I've stayed away from actually doing that.
I think I've become boring, but with it comes this sort of peace/contentment with how things are. Not completely contented of course-- I still get those sudden drop in EQ points feeling-- but maybe this is just what I need. After everything that's happened-- information, sensory and emotional overload.
Or well, is this the calm before the storm?
So anyway, I just realized why I was so quiet then. (I get these really late realizations-- they happen when I don't need them haha) My life has definitely mellowed out in recent times. There's a (lot) less of everything-- less action, less "alam-mo-ba-kung-ano-nangyari-sakin??" moments, less craziness, less violence (huwa??)... But hopefully, no less laughter nor life. (Ang labo ng sentence na yun, but I really should stop giving myself side comments). And guess what. I kind of like it this way. I like this mellow-ness. I like how my life has definitely plateau-d these past few days/weeks/months. True, I still look for adventure and something new and crazy and fun and stupid to do, but I think I've stayed away from actually doing that.
I think I've become boring, but with it comes this sort of peace/contentment with how things are. Not completely contented of course-- I still get those sudden drop in EQ points feeling-- but maybe this is just what I need. After everything that's happened-- information, sensory and emotional overload.
Or well, is this the calm before the storm?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
cyclical
I was going through my blog and then I realized something. Whatever has happened then is happening now. Things don't change. There is always this prevalent feeling of being useless and unproductive and denying whatever I shouldn't be feeling.
For the past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out my current state and how it has come to this. I think I do have a pretty good idea of why all this is here. And recognition is supposed to be a good thing, right? Acceptance is the start. (After denial, anyway) After acceptance, you move on. You stop finding fault in yourself and in others and look towards the future cause there's nothing you can do about the past. Just move on. Guess what, it takes me forever to move on. So I guess I will be down this lonely self pity trip for quite a while.
I'm worried about the long term effects of this. I get this nagging feeling that this will get worse before it gets any better. And I'm wondering, jeez, it is really possible for things to get any worse? As if I'm not paranoid enough as it is already. Always, I'm scared and depressed and reclusive. Or I only choose to see a select few. I can count the number of people in my hand the people that I do want to see and whose company I enjoy. The rest, i feel I'll just be blah to them or they will just be blah to me. And the wit that I thought I possessed is gone.
But the point is: I shouldn't deny what I'm feeling. It's what I'm feeling. It's what I tell others; it isn't wrong to feel-- it's just what you do about them that matters. Uh. I haven't done anything about them. Where does that fall? But here, if people get sick of hearing what I have to say, is that their problem? Or will I be left with no one? Haha this is crazy.
We are so good at telling other people what to do. But we never follow our own advice. We laugh and make fun of people when they're so stupid. But when it's our turn, we always turn a blind eye. We like to criticize others not realizing that maybe somewhere, someone out there is criticizing us just as well in that same horrid manner.
I'm sick of who I am and what I've become. When I try to think of possible ways for me to change, I give a semi-half-hearted effort (so is that 1/4 effort?) and God knows, it'll take more than a semi-half-hearted effort for things to change.
A few years from now I'll be reading this same post and I'll realize, dayum, I'm still going through the same shit?
For the past few weeks, I've been trying to figure out my current state and how it has come to this. I think I do have a pretty good idea of why all this is here. And recognition is supposed to be a good thing, right? Acceptance is the start. (After denial, anyway) After acceptance, you move on. You stop finding fault in yourself and in others and look towards the future cause there's nothing you can do about the past. Just move on. Guess what, it takes me forever to move on. So I guess I will be down this lonely self pity trip for quite a while.
I'm worried about the long term effects of this. I get this nagging feeling that this will get worse before it gets any better. And I'm wondering, jeez, it is really possible for things to get any worse? As if I'm not paranoid enough as it is already. Always, I'm scared and depressed and reclusive. Or I only choose to see a select few. I can count the number of people in my hand the people that I do want to see and whose company I enjoy. The rest, i feel I'll just be blah to them or they will just be blah to me. And the wit that I thought I possessed is gone.
But the point is: I shouldn't deny what I'm feeling. It's what I'm feeling. It's what I tell others; it isn't wrong to feel-- it's just what you do about them that matters. Uh. I haven't done anything about them. Where does that fall? But here, if people get sick of hearing what I have to say, is that their problem? Or will I be left with no one? Haha this is crazy.
We are so good at telling other people what to do. But we never follow our own advice. We laugh and make fun of people when they're so stupid. But when it's our turn, we always turn a blind eye. We like to criticize others not realizing that maybe somewhere, someone out there is criticizing us just as well in that same horrid manner.
I'm sick of who I am and what I've become. When I try to think of possible ways for me to change, I give a semi-half-hearted effort (so is that 1/4 effort?) and God knows, it'll take more than a semi-half-hearted effort for things to change.
A few years from now I'll be reading this same post and I'll realize, dayum, I'm still going through the same shit?
Sunday, May 20, 2007
once
I'm currently listening to the soundtrack of "Once." I saw the trailer on Apple.com and it was so moving, I just had to download the songs. I so have to watch this movie. The songs are so powerful and the trailer showed nothing but very very very positive reviews.
And so the music is transporting me to another place and another time.
You only meet the right person once.
All this time, what if, what if that person was just there.. But we're always so scared when we're faced with the things we actually want. We screw up things that are already there.
The moment was there and then it's gone. The song ends and the words I want to write down have gone along with it. There is no one, you know. No particular person for whom that song is written. Every song has a story, every person has a story. What's my song and what's my story? Who is this song dedicated to? That when it is played, it will be you I think about. Whoever you are. There will be memories, little trinkets that will remind me of you. Times, dates, places-- all of you. Whoever you are.
There's always a difference between what you desire and what's right. What's right is not always what you desire, or vice versa. So when you meet someone right, does that mean that that person isn't the one you desire?
I try to conjure up an image of someone who fits the mold of these songs. It's that futile search for something that evades us or for all we know could be right there.
And so the music is transporting me to another place and another time.
You only meet the right person once.
All this time, what if, what if that person was just there.. But we're always so scared when we're faced with the things we actually want. We screw up things that are already there.
The moment was there and then it's gone. The song ends and the words I want to write down have gone along with it. There is no one, you know. No particular person for whom that song is written. Every song has a story, every person has a story. What's my song and what's my story? Who is this song dedicated to? That when it is played, it will be you I think about. Whoever you are. There will be memories, little trinkets that will remind me of you. Times, dates, places-- all of you. Whoever you are.
There's always a difference between what you desire and what's right. What's right is not always what you desire, or vice versa. So when you meet someone right, does that mean that that person isn't the one you desire?
I try to conjure up an image of someone who fits the mold of these songs. It's that futile search for something that evades us or for all we know could be right there.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
masters
I've been going masters' shopping these past few weeks. It used to be something I did just for fun. All this time, I was under the notion that I am quite capable of pursuing a masters' degree in kinesiology/exercise science. But the more I research about it, the more disheartened I get.
For one thing, how do I choose what school to go to? Should I go to the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, elsewhere? I mean, come on, how do you narrow down your choices? I know pretty much what I'm looking for but narrowing it down is the hard part because all the courses sound the same and there are only a few differences here and there. But that's just my opinion-- maybe I should read the fine print even more.
And then my second worry pops up. Are my undergraduate grades good enough? I've been trying to figure out how to compute GWA (General Weighted Average-- UP system) to GPA, but no such luck there. When I look at my transcript of grades, all I see are more causes for rejection. Cause they're just average at best.
And then the ultimate (or at least I think so) pops up-- where am I GONNA GET THE MONEY?? :O who knew studying abroad could be so expensive? I did a rough estimate of tuition costs, board and lodging for roughly 2 years of masters and the price tag came down to P3million. Come on. Where am I going to get that much money? And that's not even taking into account the tests I have to take (GRE, TOEFL), student visa, plane tickets, allowance.. and the list goes on and on. And I must be kidding myself if I want to make the Fall 2008 application. I don't even know how to start looking for scholarships. And hello, will they even accept me? This is me once again downplaying my abilities and capabilities but it's a very rational thought. I can think of a thousand reasons why I won't be accepted and I'm pretty sure I've got some stiff competition out there.
But this is what I want. And I know I have to find a way to get the things I want on my own, without being too reliant on others. I want to be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. I want the fitness industry here to be based on science and research and not just something recreational. Although there's nothing wrong with that, I just think that we study so hard for a research-oriented approach to sports and health, so why not put it to good use right? And it's time health should be a priority of the Filipinos. The way I see it, I think most people think of fitness centers as the new Starbucks-- look good and feel good as well as the place to see and be seen. Too little emphasis is placed on the why's and the how's. There's no information campaign on why they do these fitness classes or the exercises they do and how it affects their bodies.
And then I get those nagging fears again. Is this really what I want? Or is this something I just settled for just because it's there? Or is it just because I feel as if I have a better chance with this than succeeding in Med? It scares me. What if I suddenly realize that this isn't for me? Like by some twisted chance of fate, I'm able to support myself in grad school, will I realize it will have been for nothing and realize I flushed away millions of pesos? What a wonderful thought, eh?
I have one year to figure out whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Get it right!
For one thing, how do I choose what school to go to? Should I go to the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, elsewhere? I mean, come on, how do you narrow down your choices? I know pretty much what I'm looking for but narrowing it down is the hard part because all the courses sound the same and there are only a few differences here and there. But that's just my opinion-- maybe I should read the fine print even more.
And then my second worry pops up. Are my undergraduate grades good enough? I've been trying to figure out how to compute GWA (General Weighted Average-- UP system) to GPA, but no such luck there. When I look at my transcript of grades, all I see are more causes for rejection. Cause they're just average at best.
And then the ultimate (or at least I think so) pops up-- where am I GONNA GET THE MONEY?? :O who knew studying abroad could be so expensive? I did a rough estimate of tuition costs, board and lodging for roughly 2 years of masters and the price tag came down to P3million. Come on. Where am I going to get that much money? And that's not even taking into account the tests I have to take (GRE, TOEFL), student visa, plane tickets, allowance.. and the list goes on and on. And I must be kidding myself if I want to make the Fall 2008 application. I don't even know how to start looking for scholarships. And hello, will they even accept me? This is me once again downplaying my abilities and capabilities but it's a very rational thought. I can think of a thousand reasons why I won't be accepted and I'm pretty sure I've got some stiff competition out there.
But this is what I want. And I know I have to find a way to get the things I want on my own, without being too reliant on others. I want to be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. I want the fitness industry here to be based on science and research and not just something recreational. Although there's nothing wrong with that, I just think that we study so hard for a research-oriented approach to sports and health, so why not put it to good use right? And it's time health should be a priority of the Filipinos. The way I see it, I think most people think of fitness centers as the new Starbucks-- look good and feel good as well as the place to see and be seen. Too little emphasis is placed on the why's and the how's. There's no information campaign on why they do these fitness classes or the exercises they do and how it affects their bodies.
And then I get those nagging fears again. Is this really what I want? Or is this something I just settled for just because it's there? Or is it just because I feel as if I have a better chance with this than succeeding in Med? It scares me. What if I suddenly realize that this isn't for me? Like by some twisted chance of fate, I'm able to support myself in grad school, will I realize it will have been for nothing and realize I flushed away millions of pesos? What a wonderful thought, eh?
I have one year to figure out whether I'm doing the right thing or not. Get it right!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
summer
Summer vacation is supposed to be fun. I'm supposed to be making the most out of this final stretch. I wanted to dedicate this summer to fulfilling my "me" needs, to tell the world to go screw itself and just think about what I want. But I can't seem to get myself into high gear. Sure, there are the occasional parties and beach trips, but nothing has happened yet to make this summer memorable. I'm becoming restless and I feel like I'm just waiting for things to happen. I wish I could make things happen, i really do, but the lack of moolah prevents me from making things happen. There's only so much you can watch on DVD and surf the net before it suddenly sinks in that you've done nothing productive or done nothing that would rank on the cool-o-meter. Except for the constant 3pm onwards (usually until 530pm) moments that I share with the 3pm group, i think I lived a relatively boring final summer. And instead of this becoming a reflective journey or at least a moment of rest, I constantly get frustrated with myself because I wish that I what I am actually doing (which is what, exactly?) has substance or some vision. For now, I'm contented (or so it seems) to just let days pass and see what each day has in store for me. Although days have become pretty predictable, I still like to think they present some element of surprise. But seriously, who am I kidding?
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
continuation [edit]
This day would not have been what it is without you. From the start of the day to now. And I meant what I said, both times. And well, I know all you'll do is laugh at me, just like how I'll laugh at you when / if you do that to me. But forever will I be grateful for you, for coming into my life and just being you. And I know I probably say all this to you a million times to the point that I sound like a broken record. But that's just cause I run out of words to thank you and to let you know about all this.
Crazy really how all of this is, huh? I don't think I ever would have expected this. Anyway, yes I'm still on a crazy hangover. And not the alcoholic kind, mind you.
Crazy really how all of this is, huh? I don't think I ever would have expected this. Anyway, yes I'm still on a crazy hangover. And not the alcoholic kind, mind you.
a year older
Birthdays are one of the most dreaded days of the year. They never turn out the way you want them to. You always end up expecting more from others, from this day, from yourself. You keep wishing that something special happens just because it's your birthday. But you know in the end, except for the fact that you turn a year older, (which you don't even feel), birthdays are just like any other day of the year.
But occasionally, yes, they rarely turn out the way you want them to-- they end up becoming something better.
I didn't expect much from this day since it's kind of a pattern that odd birthdays are usually less eventful than even birthdays (well, in my case anyway). So I was preparing myself for a day of lounging around at home, abusing the internet and DVD player, annoying Lafi and trying not to act my age-- which Lafi thinks I did a very good job, since he told me to "Act my age" on more than one occasion. But Mel orders me to be in PHAn by 1pm, so so much for my being a homebody on my birthday.
I guess this day truly started in the afternoon. Nothing extremely surprising happened, except for Mel's gift which completely floored me because I was not expecting anyone to give me this. But today left me feeling surprisingly contented, from Shaq calling me up at 12mn to greet me, to Lafi running up the stairs to greet me, to Missy and Bim screaming at me from the second floor of PHAn, to the mini coop and flaming wings, to texts from people whom I haven't seen in the longest time (upsca, pugad, hk, family, high school), to a text from Drew :P, to donuts and pugad and to mass and dinner with my family.
And well, it's the sum of all these little things that made me wish this birthday lasted just a little bit longer. :)
So to all those who greeted me and surprised me via phone call, text, personal greetings, ym, multiply, friendster, lj, mail-- thank you so so much!!! You have no idea how much that all meant to me. Thank you for making this birthday not so sucky after all. In fact, so not sucky at all. <3
But occasionally, yes, they rarely turn out the way you want them to-- they end up becoming something better.
I didn't expect much from this day since it's kind of a pattern that odd birthdays are usually less eventful than even birthdays (well, in my case anyway). So I was preparing myself for a day of lounging around at home, abusing the internet and DVD player, annoying Lafi and trying not to act my age-- which Lafi thinks I did a very good job, since he told me to "Act my age" on more than one occasion. But Mel orders me to be in PHAn by 1pm, so so much for my being a homebody on my birthday.
I guess this day truly started in the afternoon. Nothing extremely surprising happened, except for Mel's gift which completely floored me because I was not expecting anyone to give me this. But today left me feeling surprisingly contented, from Shaq calling me up at 12mn to greet me, to Lafi running up the stairs to greet me, to Missy and Bim screaming at me from the second floor of PHAn, to the mini coop and flaming wings, to texts from people whom I haven't seen in the longest time (upsca, pugad, hk, family, high school), to a text from Drew :P, to donuts and pugad and to mass and dinner with my family.
And well, it's the sum of all these little things that made me wish this birthday lasted just a little bit longer. :)
So to all those who greeted me and surprised me via phone call, text, personal greetings, ym, multiply, friendster, lj, mail-- thank you so so much!!! You have no idea how much that all meant to me. Thank you for making this birthday not so sucky after all. In fact, so not sucky at all. <3
Sunday, April 29, 2007
wow. how i wish i could relate to this song
In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,
There you are standing right in front of me
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,
There you are standing right in front of me
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
because i secretly love flowers deep down inside
Yey! Summer in UP usually means sunflowers! Every year, I always make it a point to take a picture of these sunshine-y flowers-- and try and pick one too-- before they die out. So, who wants to go on a late night escapade with me and pick these flowers, military style?
the pics aren't as clear as I would have wanted them to be. Too bad. They looked prettier in the cam.
the pics aren't as clear as I would have wanted them to be. Too bad. They looked prettier in the cam.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
bittersweet
How bittersweet. More bitter than sweet. Because I decided to read Dani's Multiply blog so that inspired me to check my grades for the second sem too. So I finally checked my grades online last night and there they were. For some reason, the numbers looked incomprehensible and i couldn't figure out how I was supposed to interpret them. So I computed my GWA and there, the calculator does not lie. Strangely enough, I felt nothing. No whoops of joy, no jumping up and down by my lonesome, no sighs of relief. And here it starts to sink in as I stare at them again. Painful acceptance. Resignation of fate, I guess. i find it strangely ironic how I can muster up the best grades ever, knowing this has been the toughest sem I've ever gone through, yet still know it's not enough.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
it's not what it is
this is turning out worse than i expected.
with so many people to love in my life, why do i worry about one?
that pretty much sums it up but it's not what it may seem to be.
with so many people to love in my life, why do i worry about one?
that pretty much sums it up but it's not what it may seem to be.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
one step forward, two steps backward
I nearly ended up writing 2 steps behind until i remembered that's a song. Uh yeah. Right.
In roughly a couple of weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to my fourth year life. I'll be saying goodbye to a lot of things actually. After four years, friends who I made in my first year of college (aka co-freshies, sophies in five year courses) are all leaving. Wow. Heavy drama. Fine. They'll be graduating. And moving on to the great unknown called the workplace. And I'll be saying goodbye to the familiarity, to the things I was so used to. And there it is. Effin change.
Back to the subject. That pretty much sums it up, I guess. And I try to think of something this year that i did that was worthwhile or worth recognizing and ho hum..
Father Jboy and Bro Bros said we were all put there for a reason, that we were never placed there if God didn't have a plan for us in the first place. I'm not questioning God and His plans (well, ok, fine, I am) but it is beyond understanding. Or at least my level of understanding. What have i realized? It was a truly humbling experience and something I don't think I will ever look back with much enthusiasm. But how that realization helps others or the world is beyond me. It's all been one selfish ploy. that's what this whole year has been about.
Haha. I'm being overly dramatic, aren't I?
And my lj is so overly pretentious. I hate myself there. While this is overly dramatic. I hate myself here too.
Or maybe because it's 4am?
In roughly a couple of weeks, I'll be saying goodbye to my fourth year life. I'll be saying goodbye to a lot of things actually. After four years, friends who I made in my first year of college (aka co-freshies, sophies in five year courses) are all leaving. Wow. Heavy drama. Fine. They'll be graduating. And moving on to the great unknown called the workplace. And I'll be saying goodbye to the familiarity, to the things I was so used to. And there it is. Effin change.
Back to the subject. That pretty much sums it up, I guess. And I try to think of something this year that i did that was worthwhile or worth recognizing and ho hum..
Father Jboy and Bro Bros said we were all put there for a reason, that we were never placed there if God didn't have a plan for us in the first place. I'm not questioning God and His plans (well, ok, fine, I am) but it is beyond understanding. Or at least my level of understanding. What have i realized? It was a truly humbling experience and something I don't think I will ever look back with much enthusiasm. But how that realization helps others or the world is beyond me. It's all been one selfish ploy. that's what this whole year has been about.
Haha. I'm being overly dramatic, aren't I?
And my lj is so overly pretentious. I hate myself there. While this is overly dramatic. I hate myself here too.
Or maybe because it's 4am?
Friday, March 16, 2007
calm
If this is the calm before the storm, wonder what the storm will bring. There are so many things to worry about, yet i refuse to worry about them. Why is that? Why am i always so afraid? Why?
Friday, March 09, 2007
There are days when going through two orgs just drains the life out of me-- either with all the activities, or all the politics, or all the fun, or all not mentioned. But today was a day when I welcomed that draining energy. Because it was all worth it. Laughing with everyone, being MYSELF, being accepted. Seeing all that positive reaction-- it's all good, baby.
Miting de avance in pugad and papuri FA in upsca.
I'm so proud of those running in pugad. I know that the org will be in good hands. And I'm thankful for the current execom for instilling in those running that pugad passion.
FA in upsca. It is such a blessing to hear those voices singing in Delaney Hall. "Seasons of love," "for the beauty" and "love is the answer" it just sends me on another dimension. And then the responsiveness of the people there. Seeing them smile and laugh.
Seriously, when you notice those little things, it makes all the difference. It gives you something to look forward to once again.
Miting de avance in pugad and papuri FA in upsca.
I'm so proud of those running in pugad. I know that the org will be in good hands. And I'm thankful for the current execom for instilling in those running that pugad passion.
FA in upsca. It is such a blessing to hear those voices singing in Delaney Hall. "Seasons of love," "for the beauty" and "love is the answer" it just sends me on another dimension. And then the responsiveness of the people there. Seeing them smile and laugh.
Seriously, when you notice those little things, it makes all the difference. It gives you something to look forward to once again.
Monday, March 05, 2007
amazing race asia 2
Silly me, I ended up downloading the forms for the amazing race asia 2 until I remembered, oh yeah, I'm still twenty.
Sorry, babe. I know you want to join this, but looks like we gotta wait for another year. Crap. Haha! But think of it this way: imagine if we got in, what a grad gift that would be! Haha!
Sorry, babe. I know you want to join this, but looks like we gotta wait for another year. Crap. Haha! But think of it this way: imagine if we got in, what a grad gift that would be! Haha!
Sunday, March 04, 2007
seventeen magazines and change
I really should learn how to be more productive. And not wait til the absolute last minute before I start working.
My sister brought home the March issue of Seventeen today and was recommending me to read it. i was going to, but I was in the middle of Candy. She goes, "Lei, it's a nice issue! There are even tips on cramming inside!"
To which I reply, "Ate, I don't need tips."
There is effort on my part to try and change, you know. But it's just so darn hard when you're so used to what you have and you know that for the longest time, even though it hasn't given you the best results, it hasn't failed either. In other words, if it ain't broke, why fix it?
And this trying to change things, I wish it carries over to ALL aspects of my life, but for some reason, it just stays where it is. Which is kind of sad cause you know, I really do recognize the need to change just so everything else will be more stable.
My sister brought home the March issue of Seventeen today and was recommending me to read it. i was going to, but I was in the middle of Candy. She goes, "Lei, it's a nice issue! There are even tips on cramming inside!"
To which I reply, "Ate, I don't need tips."
There is effort on my part to try and change, you know. But it's just so darn hard when you're so used to what you have and you know that for the longest time, even though it hasn't given you the best results, it hasn't failed either. In other words, if it ain't broke, why fix it?
And this trying to change things, I wish it carries over to ALL aspects of my life, but for some reason, it just stays where it is. Which is kind of sad cause you know, I really do recognize the need to change just so everything else will be more stable.
hair, bangs and me. why again?
This is a very un-me entry. Read: kikay. Although you would find hints of me in this entry, thus remembering oh yes, it's still me writing this. Read: self-obsessed.
I had my hair cut today. It's um.. Something normal, for a change. But i'm still trying to figure out what it's supposed to be or how I'm supposed to fix it. It's short, which is what I wanted and layered enough, which is also what I wanted, but it ends there. I think I'm going to regret getting those darned bangs because knowing me, I would never even bother trying to fix those bangs. I would not even ATTEMPT to fix them. And here I was, trying to convince myself that I would fix them on a regular basis, just so I can have some sort of control over my hair. But just a few hours after, I get tired just thinking about them. And not to mention that my forehead is starting to break out (whaaattt?? here's to conceited-ness but I never break out :P)
I just realized the bangs play a major part of what my hair is supposed to look like. Part it one side, wow, automatic girly-ness. Part it on the other, I look like a screamo kid/boy. Wow! Instant androgyny! Which was what I wanted to avoid when i decided to get my hair cut.
I really should have just waited and saved up to have my hair curled. Haha.
But if this keeps up, I am definitely getting that mohawk.
I had my hair cut today. It's um.. Something normal, for a change. But i'm still trying to figure out what it's supposed to be or how I'm supposed to fix it. It's short, which is what I wanted and layered enough, which is also what I wanted, but it ends there. I think I'm going to regret getting those darned bangs because knowing me, I would never even bother trying to fix those bangs. I would not even ATTEMPT to fix them. And here I was, trying to convince myself that I would fix them on a regular basis, just so I can have some sort of control over my hair. But just a few hours after, I get tired just thinking about them. And not to mention that my forehead is starting to break out (whaaattt?? here's to conceited-ness but I never break out :P)
I just realized the bangs play a major part of what my hair is supposed to look like. Part it one side, wow, automatic girly-ness. Part it on the other, I look like a screamo kid/boy. Wow! Instant androgyny! Which was what I wanted to avoid when i decided to get my hair cut.
I really should have just waited and saved up to have my hair curled. Haha.
But if this keeps up, I am definitely getting that mohawk.
Friday, March 02, 2007
cssp sc chair elections
how weird is it that I forgot to mention the freshies in that previous post? But, hey, them too! picoy, mon, ruby, mario, jana, dior, junie, jb.... Them.
It is such a scary thought. I know I can do so much when I'm motivated and it really really feels good when people notice that and appreciate it. Call it ego-tripping but you know, we really really need that in life. Especially me. when you know people appreciate what you do, I mean that's it. No need for rewards or awards, just the simple respect or acknowledgment of what you did. And I love it. Haha.
The independent candidate running for cssp sc chair is so hot. Steph Tan. Steph forward. Haha. Julie and I became such fan girls after we saw her and we heard her speak. I love how real she is-- no pretensions, no airs about her. None of the canned speeches you are so used to hearing from all the other candidates. I do admit she does have a tough task ahead of her, running in a college so very known for its partisan politics and here she is running for chair. But I do admire her courage. To actually take that risk and try to change things. Naneng said things don't change overnight but here she is, trying to spark that change.
But if you do think about it, what she fights for is almost very similar to what the other parties do stand for. But the way she presents it and the way she's not afraid And maybe for things to change, they have to presented in a different package.
I swear. Me, Bri and Julie are so smitten. I think she's the only candidate whom I questioned that much. The way she responds is so candid and real (!! for lack of a better word). She makes it a point to connect with her audience and her recognition of her faults make her even more appealing (like admitting that she didn't speak good Filipino).
I am so smitten. Haha. And how insane is it that I checked her friendster? And Julie is willing to be her alalay. Haha.
But too bad I'm not from cssp. Here's to advertising the hell for her. Haha. If she does win though, I hope her being different is not just some facade or some show for everyone to notice her, with that streaked hair and funky haircut.
This post was supposed to be an objective one. All objectivity went out the window.
But really. I will have an objective post about this. Soon. Swear.
It is such a scary thought. I know I can do so much when I'm motivated and it really really feels good when people notice that and appreciate it. Call it ego-tripping but you know, we really really need that in life. Especially me. when you know people appreciate what you do, I mean that's it. No need for rewards or awards, just the simple respect or acknowledgment of what you did. And I love it. Haha.
The independent candidate running for cssp sc chair is so hot. Steph Tan. Steph forward. Haha. Julie and I became such fan girls after we saw her and we heard her speak. I love how real she is-- no pretensions, no airs about her. None of the canned speeches you are so used to hearing from all the other candidates. I do admit she does have a tough task ahead of her, running in a college so very known for its partisan politics and here she is running for chair. But I do admire her courage. To actually take that risk and try to change things. Naneng said things don't change overnight but here she is, trying to spark that change.
But if you do think about it, what she fights for is almost very similar to what the other parties do stand for. But the way she presents it and the way she's not afraid And maybe for things to change, they have to presented in a different package.
I swear. Me, Bri and Julie are so smitten. I think she's the only candidate whom I questioned that much. The way she responds is so candid and real (!! for lack of a better word). She makes it a point to connect with her audience and her recognition of her faults make her even more appealing (like admitting that she didn't speak good Filipino).
I am so smitten. Haha. And how insane is it that I checked her friendster? And Julie is willing to be her alalay. Haha.
But too bad I'm not from cssp. Here's to advertising the hell for her. Haha. If she does win though, I hope her being different is not just some facade or some show for everyone to notice her, with that streaked hair and funky haircut.
This post was supposed to be an objective one. All objectivity went out the window.
But really. I will have an objective post about this. Soon. Swear.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
pugad
At the start of the sem, I told the current execom that I would not be able to renew my membership in pugad this year. My commitment to my other org would take too much time, especially in the second sem and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to reach the 60% cut off grade. But here I am. Finding myself in pugad after so long, and realizing this was what I was missing. Now making an effort to drop by the tambayan more often and talk to the people whom I always see but never get a chance to know. And then making an effort to go to the activities, even if I'm late or have to miss a part of the activity, fine. And it's getting harder and harder cause now my life is planned by the minute and by the hour and if I don't follow the schedule, everything goes haywire.
So anyway, its been two weeks since i started this pugad rejuvenation thing and all the more do I feel so grateful for giving it and myself in this org a chance again. A chance to remember pugad and all it means to me, a chance to remember all the relationships and memories formed with all the people there, and now a chance to start anew: A chance to prove myself that I am still worthy to be there, a chance to see pugad for what it really is again, and most importantly, a chance to form new relationships and to truly get to know these new faces.
So to the people who have gone out of their way to accept me and to get to know me and to the people whom I cannot help but feel an instant connection with even if we've only bonded for a short while... to those crazy sophies whom I absolutely love to death-- ivy, jb, julie, jam, dana, meg, kat, miko, shobe, apol. the juniors who continue to make me feel at home --chub, ria, missy, jeejay, josh, inch, carcar. then those seniors whom i just cannot get enough of-- rica, bri, ice.
love. love. love. I find reasons to be there again and I look for it. i really really do want this to end in a different way. Not in the way I always end pugad: disappearing.
So anyway, its been two weeks since i started this pugad rejuvenation thing and all the more do I feel so grateful for giving it and myself in this org a chance again. A chance to remember pugad and all it means to me, a chance to remember all the relationships and memories formed with all the people there, and now a chance to start anew: A chance to prove myself that I am still worthy to be there, a chance to see pugad for what it really is again, and most importantly, a chance to form new relationships and to truly get to know these new faces.
So to the people who have gone out of their way to accept me and to get to know me and to the people whom I cannot help but feel an instant connection with even if we've only bonded for a short while... to those crazy sophies whom I absolutely love to death-- ivy, jb, julie, jam, dana, meg, kat, miko, shobe, apol. the juniors who continue to make me feel at home --chub, ria, missy, jeejay, josh, inch, carcar. then those seniors whom i just cannot get enough of-- rica, bri, ice.
love. love. love. I find reasons to be there again and I look for it. i really really do want this to end in a different way. Not in the way I always end pugad: disappearing.
Monday, February 12, 2007
inner conflict
we have to be unafraid to fall. It's human nature to be afraid. And here, I've spent most (if not all) of this year being afraid. But
And yes, I do feel I am to blame.
There has to be a purpose to what we do. The hows, the whos, that's all well and good. It's the why that has to be answered. And that's the question I can never seem to answer.
Everyday, let's just try something new. For a change.
Just fuggedaboudit. Really. Really. I know there are a lot of things on your mind right now.
But seriously, are you really like that? When the going gets tough, you get going? Come on. I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
Key word there in that statement: I thought
But come on, is it in you to give up?
I'm here already. I've been here for an entire year. What have I done? Maybe I'm better suited for something else. And after everything, is that what they would still want to see?
Lead by example.
What example? R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me... And like I said, I'm here already.
You got to be made of sterner stuff, babe.
Exactly my point. I'm not. And besides, enough with that complex. Sad to think I always put myself on that pedestal. For a long time, that was all I held on to. Now I wonder why.
Know the why's, dear.
I'm just so tired. I just don't see myself in it-- for all its beauty and its strengths and how much I believe it-- it gets worse everyday.
Put it aside. Since when has it all been about you?
But see, what else can I give?
There should never be a limit to that. Remember, we were all put there for a reason. That it's always going to be something beyond us. It's always going to be bigger than us. Wasn't that what attracted you in the first place? Stripping yourself free from everything and it not being about you. And that was what we were taught. That was what we felt. That was what/who we are. It prepares us to be something bigger and better than ourselves. And that's what we've lost. it's been reduced to something about us.
I remember something Fr. Ferdie said, "If you do things for the right reasons. everything else will fall into place."
And then just when I think I have everything figured out, it all shatters again.
But this is exactly what I don't want. Really. I'm good at being told what to do. Tell me what to do and I'll do it.
There are so many stories of it going through adversity and overcoming difficulty. World war 2, martial law.. evrything. It will get through this. But you cannot stand there in the corner and do nothing about it.
But I'm good at doing nothing, too.
Granted there are so many faults and thats what overwhelms you. But nothing will change while you stand there.
What will change? I've tried. Every year, I have to try and try again. Always the same old, same old.
Coldplay, mehn: Nobody said it was easy...
I've become more confused than I could have ever thought. This whole process has made me lose track of who I am and who I thought I was. I thought I had myself pretty much figured out already. And now, I'm worse off than when I started. A truly, truly humbling experience. And just when I think it might be over, another wave may be coming in.
And yes, I do feel I am to blame.
There has to be a purpose to what we do. The hows, the whos, that's all well and good. It's the why that has to be answered. And that's the question I can never seem to answer.
Everyday, let's just try something new. For a change.
Just fuggedaboudit. Really. Really. I know there are a lot of things on your mind right now.
But seriously, are you really like that? When the going gets tough, you get going? Come on. I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
Key word there in that statement: I thought
But come on, is it in you to give up?
I'm here already. I've been here for an entire year. What have I done? Maybe I'm better suited for something else. And after everything, is that what they would still want to see?
Lead by example.
What example? R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me... And like I said, I'm here already.
You got to be made of sterner stuff, babe.
Exactly my point. I'm not. And besides, enough with that complex. Sad to think I always put myself on that pedestal. For a long time, that was all I held on to. Now I wonder why.
Know the why's, dear.
I'm just so tired. I just don't see myself in it-- for all its beauty and its strengths and how much I believe it-- it gets worse everyday.
Put it aside. Since when has it all been about you?
But see, what else can I give?
There should never be a limit to that. Remember, we were all put there for a reason. That it's always going to be something beyond us. It's always going to be bigger than us. Wasn't that what attracted you in the first place? Stripping yourself free from everything and it not being about you. And that was what we were taught. That was what we felt. That was what/who we are. It prepares us to be something bigger and better than ourselves. And that's what we've lost. it's been reduced to something about us.
I remember something Fr. Ferdie said, "If you do things for the right reasons. everything else will fall into place."
And then just when I think I have everything figured out, it all shatters again.
But this is exactly what I don't want. Really. I'm good at being told what to do. Tell me what to do and I'll do it.
There are so many stories of it going through adversity and overcoming difficulty. World war 2, martial law.. evrything. It will get through this. But you cannot stand there in the corner and do nothing about it.
But I'm good at doing nothing, too.
Granted there are so many faults and thats what overwhelms you. But nothing will change while you stand there.
What will change? I've tried. Every year, I have to try and try again. Always the same old, same old.
Coldplay, mehn: Nobody said it was easy...
I've become more confused than I could have ever thought. This whole process has made me lose track of who I am and who I thought I was. I thought I had myself pretty much figured out already. And now, I'm worse off than when I started. A truly, truly humbling experience. And just when I think it might be over, another wave may be coming in.
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