the first of many plus other jumbled thoughts

the first of many lasts.

The last sembreak.
The last time I will see letters distributed to the applicants telling them their status.
The last first sem.
The last last day of first sem.
The last time I will CRS.
And in the next few days, the last induction.

Start the drama.

I refused to feel anything because well, honestly, I couldn't. But sitting here in the basement of our house and thinking of something to write cause I'm not really in the mood to read anything just yet.

What can change in one semester? More than I'm afraid to admit, I'm afraid. It has always has been about the fear of change. The fear of the familiar going away, of being obsolete. The fear of finding something new and trying to reconcile it with what you have in the present. And then the fear that the world does not stop, not for you, not for silly realizations. Not for any of that-- and you have to learn how to cope, how to deal with what's there, with the inevitable, with subtle changes and the not so subtle ones.

Here it is. The homestretch. But come from behind wins always remind us to remain aware and stay vigilant and not be complacent and not settle with what's there. Because you know what, they could be right: the world always wins. And sometimes you're just too small to fight against the world.

The feeling of being lost and alone isn't bothering me as much as it should, but it should. I have no idea what's in store for me next semester. And then after that, the life of "What next?" and "Where to?"

I wonder if my family felt any of this. They always seem so sure of themselves-- that they knew what they wanted even before they graduated from college. And I admire them so much, for having the courage to step outside their boundaries and all that they knew and explored something different and completely made it their own.

I used to be so damn sure of myself. That I was going to volunteer for a year after college and then start at the lower ranks of some NGO then slowly make my way up. Or be a hotshot doctor in Medecins Sans Frontieres. Or recently, be the premiere exercise physiologist in the Philippines. Or how Law popped up briefly until I realized that I needed a ton of units to be qualified for it.

I've slowed down so much this semester. I used to be able to work and love doing it. I tell myself I needed this break, that if I didn't, I would burn out like hell and that I needed the time for myself. But what have I really accomplished this sem? "What do you want-- a life of meaning or a life of happiness? You can't have both." -- from Heroes. And well yeah, I had so much fun. But I've had way too much fun for my own good.

And well, we have all those grand plans now don't we? And why do I feel that I won't be a part of the grand-er plan?

I think I can run pretty good but the world just runs so much faster. Run like hell and just keep running.