inner conflict

we have to be unafraid to fall. It's human nature to be afraid. And here, I've spent most (if not all) of this year being afraid. But

And yes, I do feel I am to blame.

There has to be a purpose to what we do. The hows, the whos, that's all well and good. It's the why that has to be answered. And that's the question I can never seem to answer.

Everyday, let's just try something new. For a change.

Just fuggedaboudit. Really. Really. I know there are a lot of things on your mind right now.

But seriously, are you really like that? When the going gets tough, you get going? Come on. I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

Key word there in that statement: I thought

But come on, is it in you to give up?

I'm here already. I've been here for an entire year. What have I done? Maybe I'm better suited for something else. And after everything, is that what they would still want to see?

Lead by example.

What example? R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me... And like I said, I'm here already.

You got to be made of sterner stuff, babe.

Exactly my point. I'm not. And besides, enough with that complex. Sad to think I always put myself on that pedestal. For a long time, that was all I held on to. Now I wonder why.

Know the why's, dear.

I'm just so tired. I just don't see myself in it-- for all its beauty and its strengths and how much I believe it-- it gets worse everyday.

Put it aside. Since when has it all been about you?

But see, what else can I give?

There should never be a limit to that. Remember, we were all put there for a reason. That it's always going to be something beyond us. It's always going to be bigger than us. Wasn't that what attracted you in the first place? Stripping yourself free from everything and it not being about you. And that was what we were taught. That was what we felt. That was what/who we are. It prepares us to be something bigger and better than ourselves. And that's what we've lost. it's been reduced to something about us.
I remember something Fr. Ferdie said, "If you do things for the right reasons. everything else will fall into place."
And then just when I think I have everything figured out, it all shatters again.

But this is exactly what I don't want. Really. I'm good at being told what to do. Tell me what to do and I'll do it.

There are so many stories of it going through adversity and overcoming difficulty. World war 2, martial law.. evrything. It will get through this. But you cannot stand there in the corner and do nothing about it.

But I'm good at doing nothing, too.

Granted there are so many faults and thats what overwhelms you. But nothing will change while you stand there.

What will change? I've tried. Every year, I have to try and try again. Always the same old, same old.

Coldplay, mehn: Nobody said it was easy...

I've become more confused than I could have ever thought. This whole process has made me lose track of who I am and who I thought I was. I thought I had myself pretty much figured out already. And now, I'm worse off than when I started. A truly, truly humbling experience. And just when I think it might be over, another wave may be coming in.