i've been out of sorts this past week. i think it's a combination of so many factors and so many things happening. i remind myself of this lady who fainted in pro-gym yesterday. While staying with her in the bathroom, i asked her what went wrong, how it happened, etc. She said she didn't really know. I told her that maybe it was a combination of so many factors: swimming in the morning, not working out for a week, stress from her Masters, newer/harder fitness program-- a combination of all of this could have led her to her sudden fainting. Then she told me "Hindi naman ako ganito eh... Hindi ako mahiluin na tao..." i told her na siguro nabigla lang katawan niya.
i agree with her. hindi naman ako ganito eh...
these past few weeks have been my insecurity-filled weeks. how everything seems to be going wrong, i can't seem to do anything right, etc. etc.
mel dropped me off in vinzons a while ago, past 7 pm. i didn't feel like going home yet so i started walking around the acad oval towards no known destination. i just started to walk. And think. And think.
i thought about how i'm not really a very good friend. nope, not at all. i think i'm only good for the getting-to-know-you stage. after that, that's it. no more depth. i wrote before that i was a pretty shallow person, yeah, i'm a pretty shallow friend too. my mind suddenly wanders off whenever my friends share their kwento for the day. i can't seem to give advice or share my thoughts about anything. i just go ____blank____. i've been stuck in this phase for quite some time already. i've noticed it since high school.
there's this rave song that was such a hit during my first year in high school. "do you think you're better off alone?"
i reached a conclusion while walking around the acad oval: i'm too self-centered to deserve friends.
naks. drama di ba?
Thursday, August 05, 2004
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3 comments:
hey lei! when i read ur entry, i swear, i cried. i can't imagine why you would think of yourself as such. Lei, you have no idea how grateful i am that i met you. promise! i actually feel that you're one of the very few people in UP (or actually in my life) who could really understand me.
Esper and i talked about you once nga e. She said "alam mo, gusto ko si lei. parang ang free spirited niya. tapos madali siya maging friend. kahit sino kasi kaya niya makasundo". And i talked endlessly about how you really were how she saw you. even more than that. lei, you have no idea how much i admire you.
I know everything i've been saying sounds too cliche. but i promise you, its all true. i could go on forever you know.
i think right now, all of us are in that stage wherein we're trying to find ourselves, as in really find our true selves. maybe thats why i'm like this right now. (you know na what i mean) but hey, that's why we're here. that's why God gave us friends. so that someone can hold your hand and guide you along your way. remember yung fave quote ko? "we often think of ourselves as tiny insignificant stars chasing a beautiful moon. but little do you know, that you are being followed...and loved by a patient cloud"
ok lei, kung ano ano na sinasabi ko! basta, i just want you to know that i don't think you're shallow. And i admire how you reach out to others. that's not being self centered. believe me lei, idol kita! :)
love you! --mel
Symptoms:1) past few weeks of insecurity-filled weeks
2) everything seems to be going wrong
3) can't seem to do anything right
4) perceived shallowness in person observed since HS
5) self-diagnosis: too self-centered to deserve friends
Diagnosis:Considering subject in within 18-years of age, initial three symptoms are prevalent within that age group as part of "growing up". Subject needs to be informed that almost anyone at that stage suffers the same thing.
What is noteworthy is that unlike most people at that age, or older ages even, subject tends to REFLECT and BE AWARE of that condition whereas others tend to escape or just don't mind it at all. Her observation in shallowness stemmed since HS, only exemplifies the "growing up" syndrome of the matter. Further guidance on self-diagnosis is recommended.
Rx1) Blog more often. Leave comments, even hi and hello on other peoples blog. Even a short comment on a recent post is highly advisable.
2) Interact more with friends. LISTEN to them, they tend to fine-tune the self diagnosis.
3) An age-old remedy is also suggested by St. Teresa of Avila:
Nada te turbe
Nada te turbe;
nada te espante;
todo se pasa;
Dios no se muda,
la pacïencia
todo lo alcanza.
Quien a Dios tiene,
nada le falta.
Solo Dios basta.Translated by no less than Henry Wadsworth Longfellow as:
Let nothing disturb thee,
Nothing affright thee
All things are passing;
God never changeth;
Patient endurance
Attaineth to all things;
Who God possesseth
In nothing is wanting;
Alone God sufficeth.
lei,
mahal ka ng mga upscans,
mahal ka ng mga taga cabanggan,
mahal kita... oo, ikaw!
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